People without a mental illness don’t understand or care that communication is essential for emotional stability. Especially for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, we feel things so much more intensely than the average person. Being rejected, ridiculed, or invalidated is as painful as being physically hit. It’s why most will self-harm because physical pain is more straightforward to cope with than emotional.
Our minds will fixate on things, especially if it involves those three things. One word, rejection, invalidation becomes a massive part of our thought process involving that person.
I hate how much my mind fixates on things…
I’m sure people are getting tired of hearing about the sides to my mind, but seriously, I’ve hidden them for years, and I’m tired of not talking. I guess I’ll walk the lonely road of being labeled crazy, psycho, undeserving.
My mind is currently at war with itself; I’m fighting Hamster and Battie. They’re telling me they were right. I’m disgusting, ugly, unworthy, and everyone hates me. They’ve been telling me since last night I’m not worth anyone’s time or attention, and it’s getting hard to tell them otherwise.
Rabbit is telling me the only thing I’m good for is sex because who the fuck would want to be with a crazy disgusting, ugly POS?
I know there are going to be a lot of people who argue that…
But this is how my mind works, for fucks sake!
I’m arguing with my mind, fighting that verbal battle. Lately, it feels like I’m losing…
I’m getting close to pushing people away and going back to being a recluse.
Now back to why communication is so fucking vital…
I need to have very transparent communication with people, so I have the fucking facts to shut up those fucking assholes in my head! I don’t nag for clarification to be annoying or a bitch; it’s to shut them up!
Fuck! I wish I could show people how painful it is to fight with my mind every fucking day!
It’s why I’ve been so transparent about having Borderline Personality Disorder, among others. I need to be around people willing to help me so I don’t spiral out of fucking control. People who are willing to talk about my mental health without judgment. Finding that has been nothing short of searching for a unicorn.
Why is searching for someone who understands, is patient, and willing to learn about my mental health so hard? Oh yeah…
There’s a stigma around it.
Maybe I should reside to being the crazy animal lady? I know it goes “cat lady,” but I like more than just cats, so deal with it.
Finding someone willing to help me stay sane and think clearly will be a mythical quest to finding any mythical creature from the centuries.
I’m feeling empty and tired, but it’s not the physical tired…
It’s mentally, so that sleeping won’t cut it.
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m not going to end my life for those who are now worried because I couldn’t inflict that pain onto my family and friends. Their pain means more to me than my own.
So, I’ll sit here in emotional pain until the reaper takes me naturally.
I know it’s been some time since I wrote anything on here. I’ve thrown myself into diamond painting and also writing down my world finally. I got the timeline of everything down and it’s slowly coming together.
My world does have a name lol it’s called Skeliholm! I have it figured out to be at least five books in the series, but I keep remembering things that happened in the world. So, it might become longer 😆. It feels like it backfires though because writing it all down is everything I felt from my past. I’m slowly slipping back into that fantasy world, and it scares me. I’ve been trying so damn hard not to go there, but now I’m struggling to pull myself out of it and stay out. 😨 I’m also working on side projects that coincide with the story. Including a board game, a chili oil, a curry recipe, and if I can get the painting down, there will be pictures painted that the main character creates. Other things will go along with it, but those are the main things for the moment. So far, I’ve primarily written dialogue and actions in the stories and haven’t added too many details of the happenings around the fantasy world. I mainly wanted to get the main events and actions down before worrying about the minor things. I did have to take a break from writing after going into Vasska’s mind, and I’m now going into the Sand Kats area, which is just as dark. It starts out fun and great but then… I don’t know how to word it now, except it’s intense for me mentally because I’m feeling the characters’ feelings while I write out their parts. I don’t know how else to write them without entering their minds. I know most of you don’t know about all the sides to my mind. Well, believe it or not, I put names and faces with each side of my mind and it’s been the only way to really understand how and why I think the way I do. Now I’m going to add in what I wrote in my story when I introduced them. “The bat, owl, dragon, hamster, rabbit, and the bastard of a goldfish’s honest thoughts! Basically, I want to write down what I’m thinking when I go into my fantasy world. That fantasy world is run by a bat, an owl, dragon, a hamster (ringleader), a rabbit, and a bastard of a goldfish. Why didn’t I put the hamster first? Because I didn’t want to boost her inflated ego, otherwise she’d walk about like she owns this shit. Technically, she does, but let’s not tell her that. Why do I put it as animals run my fantasy world? Because I’ve always referred to my brain as one with the Hamster center stage yelling at me what to do. She is the main one who controls my mental disorders and brought her weird-ass friends to coach me on how to deal with life. Newsflash assholes! You fucked up. My therapist said so. You’re probably wondering out of all of them who is deciding to spill all this. It’s an elusive squirrel who secretly is a double agent to all involved. I always said fear the squirrels for a reason, lol. The squirrel is spilling everything and is giving the finger to the rest. Because she said, she’s the sanity of the bunch. My paranoia tells me it’s a lie but then again, why shouldn’t I trust her? She’s the reason I see a therapist once a week and told me the medications are a cocktail of happiness. I still am uncertain of that. Though she threatens to bring in the bat if I don’t take that cocktail, all hope would be gone. The bat thinks of herself as a hermit crab and doesn’t like people. So, we hide in the caves until the coast is clear, then we slip out unnoticed and do shit that makes people ask how something moved or got there. So yeah, all of these fuckers are part of my mind; they all have a part to play. The bat – Hates the light, sun, and anything that’s frilly girly and hides from the world because? People, ewe! The owl – The nerd who tries to learn as much as she can about things but always ends up in obsession over said thing, and we get an abundance of useless information that nobody cares about. The owl is the reason I own so much makeup, colored pencils, diamond paintings, coloring books, and the list goes on… The rabbit is the horny one of the bunch and is always the one that pushes my mind into the dirtiest of holes. Yes, she meant that in all ways, lol. The goldfish tells me that I have to pay attention to everything shiny and makes noise but refuses to record it. She and owl get into many fights about record keeping. The squirrel – tells me every logical thing and tells me that I can’t do shit about it. She’s the one that checks all facts and gets way too literal to the point we forget what sarcasm is. To where we try to be sarcastic but end up pissing off someone, and they think we’re serious. Fucking bitch! Dragon – is the reason I struggle to let go of things and remembers all the past things that have gone wrong. She’s also the reason I get angry or irritated so easy. People are irritating and not to trust them if they resemble my past experiences. If it’s the person who did those acts that they are not to be trusted ever again. And lastly, hamster – the ringleader. She is the reason I stuff my face every time things are stressful and tells me to buy shit impulsively, I don’t need. She’s a judgmental bitch, and tells me I’m an idiot, ugly, and everyone hates me, including the animals. Hamster is the reason I have a fantasy world. I didn’t have friends, so she had the idea to create them. At least then we can say if they stay or go. We can give them a backstory, talk about their lives and live among them. That was supposed to last until I went to middle school because then, I’d have a friend or two, I’d be popular! But, no, we held on to them and their lives. Enslaving them to our minds and eventually becoming a slave to them.” These characters are me in all; my therapist thinks I should make a new character to add to them so I can better accept changes happening in my life along with love and what not. These guys are who I am, and I can’t add a new character to my mind. They’re each side of my mentality and why I act the way I do at times. They’re not literal animals. They’re me in animal onesies that represent the animal they’re named after. Anyways, I’m still on dating sites and some guys on there. They get so butthurt when I say how I felt about things that have been discussed between us. I wrote this on OneNote one night, and yeah, this is how I feel about it at times. Especially after meeting a couple of guys in person. I’m not going to beg anyone to stay in my life. I did that for ten fucking years. I refuse to do it again, I’ll care about that person, but if they choose to leave, that’s on them. I don’t need them in my life, I want them in it, but I’m not going to demand them. People always say you shouldn’t burn that bridge with that person 😒 you know what? I’ll grab a fucking can of kerosene and a box of matches. Light that shits on fire and roast a mother fucking marshmallow while I watch the person flip out that I’m cutting them out of my life. If they choose to leave me, then I have every right to cut them the fuck out of my life! 🖕 I’m done crying over someone who doesn’t give a shit about me or my feelings. I’m tired of being nothing more than an achievement, amusement, & sex object. 🖕😤💯 � So, I know some people will read this and think it’s about them; well, if the shoe fucking fits, sure, but the world doesn’t revolve around you and your inflated ego. So, you want it about you, then fine, but I can guarantee it’s not! 🖕 I know I was in emotional mind when I wrote that out. I wasn’t rationally thinking about other things or people I was talking with. I just got pissed after meeting up with someone, and they basically treated me exactly like my ex-husband. It pissed me off to no end, and I really felt like I should have charged the guy to meet up with me. 😒 I will say after that experience that I have considered just making an Only Fans because I feel like guys only want me for sex. Yes, I’m open to talking about it, and I don’t mind joking about it, but when it becomes the only thing, if all we are fucking talk about is sex, it gets on my nerves. Can’t we talk about something else that’s not sexual, or is that too much to ask? I do have times when I talk to someone, and I know Rabbit grabs hold of the controls sometimes, and I just become a horny bitch who wants dick. Then the rest of them dog piles on top of her telling her not to meet up with guys just for that. I will admit she is convincing at times, especially when she makes me believe that’s all I’m good for. 😒At times, she can be such a fucking bitch, but she knows how to make me believe that about myself. 😔🐰😩 Anyways, this is an introduction to the sides of my mind that I’ve never told anyone about. They’ve been hidden until now; I know many people will think I’m crazy, but whatever. 🤷
That statement can be true,to say the least. Especially when analyzing situations about relationships, whether they are professional or personal.
A group of people cannot be given a definitive type of definition because there is an increase in aspecific type of correlation. Though, when we speak to others about their actions, that is when we look at how to approach them best.
We decide if the information we receive is something we need to investigate and read about. We start asking all the questions about that person’s integrity along with the people they spend most of their time with.
I am not saying that if someone in your group of friends does something wrong, you are guilty too. Though, if you approve of it and justifiably say they were in the right place to do what they did, your mentality can be grouped to be comparable to theirs.
You are not guilty by association unless you encourage and help with the said act the other person takes part in. If you should take part in that said action, you are just as guilty.
Now, you might be wondering why I am mentioning this. I will tell you.
After the last quarter and the start of this quarter,I feelhighly uncomfortable and uncertain about my education at the current school I am attending.
Before last quarter, I loved attending this college. Though, now, I am questioning if I even want to go there anymore. I am considering changing to a complete online school in another city because of how things are.
I wanted to see the overall rating of the school and all the teachers I have had over the quarters I have beenthere. As I said, correlation does not equal causation. Some of the teachers on here who have low scores I did very well in their classes, but the ones I struggled in, others have struggled too.
I did not look at this site when I signed up for this quarter; I feel I should have, then I would not have signed up for aparticular class that I ended up dropping only a couple of days into the quarter.
That was because just starting out, it was okay for reading needed, but reading the syllabus and reading so many lines about how if they feel you disrespect them inany way, they will suspend you even if you joke or are sarcastic. If they disagree with it, you will be punished. I would post it with everything highlighted, but I cannot.
I can hope you take my word for it, or you can directly ask me, and I will tell you which class, and you can ask them for their syllables.
From my understanding, people with the highest opinions are the ones who post their ratings on sites such as that one. Though, I did read quite a few average ones on there as well.
I have not posted on there,but I have been thinking about it; I just want to keep analyzing things first.
The reason is, I am not feeling happy with being at this school, and I do not want to post something based on emotions. Is that not the analytical way of doing things?
There are a lot of different scores for teachers and schools on there. Though I do question if the students themselves have been given a survey to answer these questions? What would happen if, bear with my thought here, if they were given the opportunity to do an anonymous survey after each quarter. To gauge if they are satisfied with the education they are receiving and paying for; Some of them are paying out of pocket, and that is the hard-earned income they saved up for, or their parents did.
Shouldn’t they be given the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings after each quarter? How much more time would it take for a teacher or the school to send out those surveys. If not that, the students should be encouraged to rate their professors on that site, so there is a more current and exact rating.
To really stand behind the school’s mission statement,should not a school engage with the students and actively survey them on how their professors are performing during the school year?
Anyways, this is me analyzing things. I am not emotional or aggressive, but I am actively questioning things. Why might you ask?
Because I have not lived like you.
I have not lived in this reality or learned to cope with this reality like everyone else. Due to trauma as a child, I tend to disassociate when I experience intense emotional pain. Because of that, I constantly did that because I could not handle the emotional stress of this reality. I never learned to cope with it.
I am learning things now that I should have learned when I was younger. Does it surprise you to know that I barely know what it means to be in a professional environment? I never learned it. When I was in school as a child, I was always ignored and pushed to the side. When I had to read aloud, the teachers gave other students two paragraphs while I had a sentence. When asking for help, I was questioned and made to feel like I was a nuisance. I felt nothing but the same while at school.
I am learning now to ask questions. I am learning now that it is not wrong to ask a question and that it does not mean you are stupid for the asking. If someone makes you feel shame or insecure for asking, it is not a show of your intelligence but a show of their criticism and judgmental thoughts.
I am now becoming triggered emotionally from this when people refuse to answer my questions or avoid it. Again, I am just analyzing here, and this is not saying this is what they are doing. This is what goes through my mind?
This is my reality and how my mind process works.
When a question is avoided or ignored, it triggers me not to trust the person or people who justify those actions. That is because Iwas made to look like a fool as a child by my peers. I was always the joke and used to trick into thinking they liked me as a friend.
An Example:
One time these girls said their brother had a crush on me and wrote me a letter. Of course, I wrote back. After I gave it to them, I watched them in the back of the bus just laugh hysterically and make fun of me. I cannot tell you how much shame and embarrassment I felt.
That is just one instance of my being ridiculed as an adolescent. I have been lied to, manipulated, abused, and hurt emotionally. I am just now learning what it means to trust a person. When my mind tells me not to trust someone, I lash out. I will become cynical, sarcastic, and snide.
I am highlyaware of my shortcomings, and I do not have to be reminded of them. Iknow what it means to go along the I messed up train and theshame that comes with it. I am very aware of the judgments and those that decided I am no longer of value to their lives. These things are nothing new to me.
Now back to correlation does not equal causation.
I am learning to change that correlation of my life of the lashing out and those shortcomings to my personality. But I cannot do it alone.
I need support, as though there is no tomorrow. I need people to tell me when I mess up so I can change these things. I need that communication in my life because I never learned it. I am not asking people to put up with abuse from me. I am asking people to point out when I am in the wrong.
Though, that needs to go both ways as well. Those people need to be able to accept when they are being told something is not working. Yes, I have a mental disorder, but that does not mean I am stupid or do not know when something is not working.
I have a mental disorder, and because of that, I learn differently from other people. It is hard for me to understand concepts at times.
I was now looking at the site rate of my professor and looking at all the professors I had. Not all of them are negative, and not all of them are positive either. Though, reading what people say is very consistentwith some of the things I have felt and spoke about a few professors I have had in the past.
These reviews do not decide who is and is not a bad professor. These are just reviewing them, and some are not even current. I just wonder how many college students would be more apt to go on there if the schools they were in encouraged them to review their teachers on their so they could understand how the students feel about their teachers and the course they are taking.
