I’m more clear headed

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I’m trying to be better about what I need to do. But my depression hit so hard I forgot to do some work that was due, and I can’t do it late. There’s no making it up; I just got to try and do better and getting stuff done. I really couldn’t believe I missed that work. I thought I did it, but apparently, I didn’t. *sigh*

So I guess I’ll just talk about my thoughts this past week.

I’ve been getting very irritable, and I’ve been trying not to lash out at people. I find myself apologizing quite often. I hope to change my meds; I can get better. I think my anxiety has been so high, and that’s making me more irritable. I know my anxiety is about school work and not getting it done. I’m in a vicious cycle of feeling guilty of not doing it, then feeling anxious about it and then irritability cause I haven’t done it then getting depressed cause I didn’t do it. It just keeps going around and around. But I’m trying to do better and get this under control so I could do better with my school work.

I’m a sucker for makeup brushes. I don’t have very many face brushes as I do eye brushes. I don’t know how they wash or apply makeup yet, but if you want them, here’s where I got them.

Makeup brushes

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I always talk about DBT (dialectical Behavior Therapy) and how it’s helped me so much. It really helps with emotion regulation and expressing yourself in a positive way. I highly recommend doing DBT.

DBT Workbook

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I’m struggling to stay focused sense lowering my one med I’m being weaned off of. I just want to curl up and cry right now.

I’m doing a little better today emotionally. Hopefully, I can focus long enough to do my homework that’s due today. I got my ASL done, but I didn’t get math and communications done. I’m going to have to do it late. I just got a migraine and couldn’t focus after I did ASL. I struggled to finish my ASL assignments.

On a good note, we have hot water now, and the fossette in the kitchen works better now after dad changed the fossette, and he changed the pipes for that bathroom, so we have hot water now. We had to change it out because it was leaking into the wall. The last thing we want is for black mold to start.

During this lockdown, I’ve become one of those people shopping all the time online. At least I got bills paid first before shopping. But having a credit card does not help the urge to shop.

My dad and brother fixed the pipes leaking from the bathroom. We finally have hot water. I’ll never take a shower for granted again. We didn’t have hot water for a few weeks. My landlord had to have the money to fix it first, and they finally did. My dad changed out all the pipes from cast iron to copper. He also changed the faucet in the kitchen. The other one was really clogged, and we couldn’t unclog it. So we changed it out. We also had to change an element out of the water heater because it went out for not having water in it for an extended period.

For Mother’s day, we went over to my brothers for a BBQ. Here’s the picture we took for mom to put in the frame Kenny gave her. The frame was a nine picture frame, and the center doesn’t have a picture in it. Mom wanted it to be a picture of us three.

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I’m finally going back to Project Beauty Share! I’m so happy to finally be going back to help out there. Julie called me yesterday and asked me to come in and help with the mail and to also help with another thing. So instead of going in on Mondays, I’m going in on Tuesdays.

We checked the mail, and I got my last patch! The death’s head moth! Comment if you know what this is from!

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So I’m going to put my patches on a jean jacket that I’m going to dye black and orange. I think it’ll look so good. Dad suggested I do that and I really like the idea.

Since lowering my medication I’ve been able to think clearer. The day after lowering I just wanted to curl up and cry but the next day I was able to think and have motivation for my homework. I’m hoping I have the motivation to do workouts now. I’m thinking of doing beachbody online. I really need to workout and lose the weight I gained after increasing that medication. I’ve gained 40 lbs. in 2 months. That’s not normal. I know I haven’t been eating the greatest so I have to work on that too. I have an appointment with my weight loss doctor next week. I hope she’s not disappointed in me for gaining this weight. We’ll see what she says.

As I said I’ve had more motivation to do my homework. I think I’ll be able to finish my math work before the end of the quarter. I don’t have much left to do so I’m wanting to finish it now. I signed up for my next classes and I’m doing math 88 and a fitness class that will be one credit. I needed to use the one credit so I can stay on track with what I have planned out. I have an academic plan that the counselor put together for me. So long as I follow that plan I’ll graduate next year and be able to transfer to Spokane Falls Community College. They have the library technician program that I want to do. After I do all that I might go to school for pastry. I haven’t decided yet. I love to cook and I love books. Might as well study both areas lol.

In ASL we’re going to be telling children’s stories. She wants us to do a story from when we were little and I picked the story Three Billy Goats Named Gruff. I loved that story when I was little. The other books I really enjoyed was Dr. Seuss. But she said those would be too difficult to do. So I picked the other story I really liked. And in case we do it for another week or if I want to just record and post a video of me telling a kids story I ordered two others. One named The Grumpy Monkey and The Wonky Donkey. They looked really cute. I think it’d be fun to tell kids stories in sign. I want to build my vocabulary with ASL. So I need to keep practicing signing and watching people do it. I wont learn if I don’t try to watch people talk in sign. I know I still have so much to learn. Even though I’m not going into the interpreter program I still want to be able to talk to those who are deaf. I want to communicate with everyone. That’s also why I want to learn Spanish, French, and Japanese. I’ve considered other languages but I’ll start with these.

I got more makeup brushes lol.

I have an addiction to all things makeup lol. I need to do my makeup more often. I want to get more makeup but I have to pay my bills first. At least I’m being responsible lol.

I can’t believe how much more clear headed I am since lowering that medication. I’m not feeling irritable or emotional. I feel more in the present moment.

Mentally sluggish

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This week… I’m struggling mentally… I’ve found I haven’t had much motivation this past week… I’ve even gotten behind on my homework… I’ve been trying to catch up… Mentally I feel sluggish. I haven’t written on here until today when I’m posting this… I think with staying in the house so much I’m just struggling to do stuff. I don’t know maybe I’m getting stir crazy being cooped up. I’m trying to be productive but finding it difficult to do stuff. I want to do more but finding I’m losing all motivation late afternoon. 

Cooking… I’ve been cooking regular meals but I haven’t baked much. I’ve gotten a lot of pans and cookie cutters. I want to make sugar cookies now lol. I got a bundt pan because I didn’t have a big one and it came with a cover for the cake after being made. I like that it came with a cover to store the cakes in.

Start juicing… I bought a juicer because I want to start juicing. I want to be able to detox and get healthy. 

Schoolwork… Like I said I’ve been behind on my school work. I’m trying to catch up so I don’t get too far behind in stuff. I enjoy the classes I’m in I just get hit with a wave of depression and my schoolwork suffers. In communications this past week we learned about religions around the world. I was assigned to Buddhism. I know a good deal about it because of DBT. The creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy is a Catholic-Buddhist. So during DBT we learn about meditation and controlling our thoughts. We learn about how our minds are what’s known as a monkey mind. Basically, we grasp at any and every thought that comes to mind. We hold onto that thought until we start mentally freaking out over nothing. I had to talk about what I found interesting that I didn’t know already. And I struggled with that. I ended up turning in the assignment late because I’ve been struggling mentally. I still need to go into the discussion and do replies to my classmates about the religions they were assigned. In ASL I did a story about 3 bats. Here’s the video if you know ASL.

This is the ASL gloss. Let me know if you want the English translation. But you can get the gist of it from the Gloss format.

3 bats one small name J-O-E one medium one name Edward one big one named Jacob 

Flowers little bat J-o-e search for find many N-E-C-T-A-R full  

Home he go-to-sleep.  

Medium bat E-d-w-a-r-d fly around find bugs. 

Find many big bugs eat many too full to fly tree he sleeps 

Big bat J-a-c-o-b search for fruit find mangos 

Smelled good ate much(too heavy) home he go-to-sleep  

If you want to see more videos of me signing let me know I can post more. I think I might do some story cubes and create stories and post videos of the stories. I think that’ll be fun to do. I need to practice my ASL more. If anyone wants to Zoom and do a story cubes game night let me know.

Makeup… I should take pictures of the makeup I got… and I should do my makeup lol… I got a great deal of makeup lately. I think I’m going to make a separate post about the makeup I got and if I can swatches. I don’t know I might make a video talking about it but that’s if I get the time and the house to be quiet for a few while I make the video.

The animals… The animals are doing good. Angel stood on her hind legs and put them on my shoulders. Her head was up to mine. So she’s 5’5″ long and still growing lol. They really need baths and their nails trimmed. They like to paw at us when they want something and the nails are very pointy. They’re not sharp like the cats but they are pointy and very apparent.

Crafts… I’ve been trying to do more crafts to help with my mental health. I thoroughly enjoy doing crafts. It really helps me mentally to do something creative.

Since learning to sew I’ve been getting cloth to sew more. I’m finding I’m enjoying the process of measuring cutting and then sewing things together. I got some cloth for a quilt. Moms going to show me how to make it.

I got patches for my jean jacket that I just bought. I’m going to dye the jacket black then I’m going to iron these on. I have more on the way I’ll post a picture once I get them and get them on the jacket. I’m excited to put them on. I know if they don’t stick I’m going to sew them on.

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School started back up online

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I can’t believe that I spent most of the week, not writing. It feels so weird. I thoroughly enjoy writing, so it surprised me that I didn’t write for so long. So what have I been up to?

I’ve been learning to sew masks and hot pads lol. I baked a milk and honey bread that tasted amazing as french toast. We haven’t left the house except to get food from the store and check the post office. I was going to make mini lemon bundt cakes, but the lemons were bad, and we didn’t have enough money to buy some more.

School starts back up with classes being only offered online. I’ve been trying to get things taken care of for school. Making sure I get my books and getting things watched that need to be watched beforehand. I have to be in the zoom classroom on Monday for ASL. There’s supposed to be a deaf event done for it, but that might change due to how things are going with this virus. It should be interesting to learn ASL entirely online. Math seems more straight forward than my last math class. Communications is reasonably straight forward as well. I’ve been watching the intro videos that we can watch now and reading the material.

I’ve been just trying to keep my mind busy since I’ve been cooped up in the house. I’m trying not to slip into a depression and making sure I’m doing productive things. I’ve been trying to do something good for me mentally, even when I don’t feel like doing it.

We’re not really going to celebrate easter. Never really have celebrated it. But everyone in the baking community has been making carrot cakes for easter.

It’s easter. So I guess happy easter. Just going to make potato soup for dinner and possibly grilled cheese with the milk and honey bread I made. Going to finish creating the masks, then clean the kitchen along with doing the dishes. The kitchen is a complete mess, and I don’t like it, so I’m going to clean it.

I’ve been hooked to listening to music at night before I go to sleep. I forgot how much I enjoy hard rock. Been listening to Five Finger Death Punch, Korn, Disturbed, and Godsmack along with a few others. I haven’t listened to them for a long time, and I remember how much I enjoy those artists.

School just started, and I’m uncertain of how it’s going to go being entirely online. My teachers are doing their best to help up with figuring it out.

I did my first zoom class today, and that was for ASL. Trying to figure out how it all works, and it seems that’s going to be the only zoom I have during the week. I had to keep my mic muted since my dogs like to bark at any noise they hear. It took me a few to get mine figured out cause I didn’t realize I needed to click on my mic so I could listen to them.

I got what homework I could do for communications and with ASL. I watched what videos I needed to know what homework to do. I read through the modules and saw what I needed to for that week’s course work. I still need to work on math. I plan on doing that and my ASL video tomorrow. Apparently, we’re doing the vocab on our own to teach the rest of the class how to sign the words. We’re also going to sign a story about Mr. Potatohead lol.

I got what school work I could do for the day, and I also went and check the post office for my check. I put that in the bank then came home and paid bills go me.

It’ll be nice to change my focus on something other than boredom. I’ve been mentally going nuts, not leaving the house very much. I didn’t realize how much I try to keep myself busy, so I’m not stuck in my head. After going through DBT, I did what I needed to, so I didn’t dwell on things around me. I hate being stuck in my head most days. I guess I struggle with thinking about things that’ll make me unhappy. Overthinking is my biggest downfall for myself mentally. When I do that, I end up becoming increasingly depressed. It’s best to try not to focus on the bad and nonexistent, which people with BPD tend to do.

I’m planning on reading my communications book and try to get ahead in that class, well, as much as I can. There’s quite a bit of reading to do in that class. Oh, I should print out the study guides on the modules. Okay, I just tried to get into the module, and it is not open, yet so I have to wait until next week.

Brandon got excepted into a college over in New York. I’m not going with him. I have no desire to leave, and besides, I want to stay with my mom and help her when she needs it. I’m happy here, and I don’t want to leave. I’m happy for Brandon, and if he wants to go, it’s his choice, not mine. I don’t tell him what he can or can’t do with his life. I’m genuinely happy for him. He might be leaving at the end of August if he can get the money together to go for the fall quarter. If not, he’s going to leave for the spring quarter. He’ll be at that school for four years to get his masters with cooking. He wants to expand his knowledge and abilities with food. He feels this school will open up doorways for his future and to open the type of restaurant he wants.

So we got our stimulus check, which is going to go for bills. I need to pay down some credit cards. Paid on the phone bill.

I’ve been doing math even though I hate it, but at least I’m doing it. I’ll get through this class no matter what. I’ll do my group work and tests as soon as I can, and I’m going to get as much as the online stuff done as I can. I want to pass it even though I hate doing it. I’ll say there’s not as much required in this math class as my other math class. So it should be easy to get a passing grade.

Oh, I thought I would have more to talk about with starting school this week. Guess I was wrong, lol.

So, what to talk about?

I’m slowly getting things done that I need to for school. Right now, I’m turning in my test for ASL. Though the dogs started being noisy while I recorded my ASL video, thankfully, they didn’t full-blown start barking. I can only imagine what people would say if I yelled out in the middle of my video to get the dogs a damn carrot lol. I wish it didn’t take so long to upload the videos for ASL.

I feel like I’m not being very productive with not going to the school for classes or work-study. Though I found out today since we can’t go on campus to do our hours, we’re going to be awarded half of our money, and if they stay closed after may, then we’ll be awarded the other half. I missed when I used to take the bus there and sit in the bakery with Brandon and work on my next blog post. I probably could get up and do those sorts of things and then do my homework like I used to. Right now, I’m getting up in the morning and taking my sweet ass time to wake up before working on homework.

Everyone got stimulus checks from the government. We used ours to pay on some bills and put a little bit aside for more bills. It would be nice if they did the $2,000 a month for everyone since a lot of people can’t work right now. But I know that’s wishful thinking, but it would be helpful for bills. It was nice for the one time, so we could get some bills paid that needed to be paid.

I need to stop eating so much lol. Being stuck at home, I’m eating more than I should. I hope I haven’t gained too much weight. I need to do better at taking care of myself.

We’ve made masks for us to go out and about. We don’t have gloves to wear, though.

I’m getting what I need done for school for this week. I need to do the rest of my math and the last video for ASL. I want to get ahead for communications. I have a lot to read for it, and I need to write a long post for a discussion. I only have two more homework for math. The video I need to do for ASL needs to talk about potato head comic strip and do a story about it. I haven’t come up with my story yet, but I can get it written up tonight, and I’ll make the video tomorrow. I have to make sure I write it out in gloss and English. Gloss is when it’s written in ASL. Get done what I need to for the day and do my homework.

I hope everyone is doing well even though the virus is going around. I hope everyone is safe and healthy.