I’m more clear headed

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I’m trying to be better about what I need to do. But my depression hit so hard I forgot to do some work that was due, and I can’t do it late. There’s no making it up; I just got to try and do better and getting stuff done. I really couldn’t believe I missed that work. I thought I did it, but apparently, I didn’t. *sigh*

So I guess I’ll just talk about my thoughts this past week.

I’ve been getting very irritable, and I’ve been trying not to lash out at people. I find myself apologizing quite often. I hope to change my meds; I can get better. I think my anxiety has been so high, and that’s making me more irritable. I know my anxiety is about school work and not getting it done. I’m in a vicious cycle of feeling guilty of not doing it, then feeling anxious about it and then irritability cause I haven’t done it then getting depressed cause I didn’t do it. It just keeps going around and around. But I’m trying to do better and get this under control so I could do better with my school work.

I’m a sucker for makeup brushes. I don’t have very many face brushes as I do eye brushes. I don’t know how they wash or apply makeup yet, but if you want them, here’s where I got them.

Makeup brushes

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I always talk about DBT (dialectical Behavior Therapy) and how it’s helped me so much. It really helps with emotion regulation and expressing yourself in a positive way. I highly recommend doing DBT.

DBT Workbook

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I’m struggling to stay focused sense lowering my one med I’m being weaned off of. I just want to curl up and cry right now.

I’m doing a little better today emotionally. Hopefully, I can focus long enough to do my homework that’s due today. I got my ASL done, but I didn’t get math and communications done. I’m going to have to do it late. I just got a migraine and couldn’t focus after I did ASL. I struggled to finish my ASL assignments.

On a good note, we have hot water now, and the fossette in the kitchen works better now after dad changed the fossette, and he changed the pipes for that bathroom, so we have hot water now. We had to change it out because it was leaking into the wall. The last thing we want is for black mold to start.

During this lockdown, I’ve become one of those people shopping all the time online. At least I got bills paid first before shopping. But having a credit card does not help the urge to shop.

My dad and brother fixed the pipes leaking from the bathroom. We finally have hot water. I’ll never take a shower for granted again. We didn’t have hot water for a few weeks. My landlord had to have the money to fix it first, and they finally did. My dad changed out all the pipes from cast iron to copper. He also changed the faucet in the kitchen. The other one was really clogged, and we couldn’t unclog it. So we changed it out. We also had to change an element out of the water heater because it went out for not having water in it for an extended period.

For Mother’s day, we went over to my brothers for a BBQ. Here’s the picture we took for mom to put in the frame Kenny gave her. The frame was a nine picture frame, and the center doesn’t have a picture in it. Mom wanted it to be a picture of us three.

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I’m finally going back to Project Beauty Share! I’m so happy to finally be going back to help out there. Julie called me yesterday and asked me to come in and help with the mail and to also help with another thing. So instead of going in on Mondays, I’m going in on Tuesdays.

We checked the mail, and I got my last patch! The death’s head moth! Comment if you know what this is from!

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So I’m going to put my patches on a jean jacket that I’m going to dye black and orange. I think it’ll look so good. Dad suggested I do that and I really like the idea.

Since lowering my medication I’ve been able to think clearer. The day after lowering I just wanted to curl up and cry but the next day I was able to think and have motivation for my homework. I’m hoping I have the motivation to do workouts now. I’m thinking of doing beachbody online. I really need to workout and lose the weight I gained after increasing that medication. I’ve gained 40 lbs. in 2 months. That’s not normal. I know I haven’t been eating the greatest so I have to work on that too. I have an appointment with my weight loss doctor next week. I hope she’s not disappointed in me for gaining this weight. We’ll see what she says.

As I said I’ve had more motivation to do my homework. I think I’ll be able to finish my math work before the end of the quarter. I don’t have much left to do so I’m wanting to finish it now. I signed up for my next classes and I’m doing math 88 and a fitness class that will be one credit. I needed to use the one credit so I can stay on track with what I have planned out. I have an academic plan that the counselor put together for me. So long as I follow that plan I’ll graduate next year and be able to transfer to Spokane Falls Community College. They have the library technician program that I want to do. After I do all that I might go to school for pastry. I haven’t decided yet. I love to cook and I love books. Might as well study both areas lol.

In ASL we’re going to be telling children’s stories. She wants us to do a story from when we were little and I picked the story Three Billy Goats Named Gruff. I loved that story when I was little. The other books I really enjoyed was Dr. Seuss. But she said those would be too difficult to do. So I picked the other story I really liked. And in case we do it for another week or if I want to just record and post a video of me telling a kids story I ordered two others. One named The Grumpy Monkey and The Wonky Donkey. They looked really cute. I think it’d be fun to tell kids stories in sign. I want to build my vocabulary with ASL. So I need to keep practicing signing and watching people do it. I wont learn if I don’t try to watch people talk in sign. I know I still have so much to learn. Even though I’m not going into the interpreter program I still want to be able to talk to those who are deaf. I want to communicate with everyone. That’s also why I want to learn Spanish, French, and Japanese. I’ve considered other languages but I’ll start with these.

I got more makeup brushes lol.

I have an addiction to all things makeup lol. I need to do my makeup more often. I want to get more makeup but I have to pay my bills first. At least I’m being responsible lol.

I can’t believe how much more clear headed I am since lowering that medication. I’m not feeling irritable or emotional. I feel more in the present moment.

It’s been a slow week

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I’ve been doing okay, I still feel mentally sluggish. I’ve been trying to do things that make me feel better. I know I always feel better when I do my makeup. I’ve just been trying to find a balance with my mental health lately.

I said in my last post I was going to take pictures of the makeup I’ve gotten the past couple weeks. So here they are…

Mom got me these nail polishes from Sally Hansen. It’s their donut collection.

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Here are swatches of the nail polish… I didn’t have any nail swatch wheels, so I just did them on a piece of paper and put the name of the polish swatched next to them.

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Saturday’s makeup… I felt like doing my makeup to just feel good about myself. I really liked this makeup.

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Sunday’s makeup (mother’s day) I wanted to look good for pictures for Mother’s Day. Though I struggled with my contacts, so I just wore my glasses. I kept getting eyeliner on my contacts, which made it very difficult to see through them. So I took them out and cleaned them a couple times and messed up my makeup, so I said screw it and just put on my glasses.

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I got more patches for my jean jacket. I got to go to the post office and see if I have more in the P.O.Box. I love the lipstick with the bat wings. It feels like one of the most fitting for me, lol. I had one custom made that’s a Great Pyrenees, and it has my Angel babies’ name on it. I had to have one with Rocko and another with Angel. I wish I could’ve done one with his picture, but the dog bone with his name will be good enough for me. Just until I can get another that I love.

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I’ve bought a lot of makeup. Lately, I just haven’t posted it on here. Here are a couple pictures of some of the makeup I got, and I’ve been trying to use it. I’ve been trying to find that perfect foundation. It’s hard to find foundations that match because I’m so pale, and companies make their lightest an orange shade. I don’t feel like looking like an Oompa-Loompa. I wanted to buy white mixing mediums for foundations, and I can’t seem to find any. I already have Manic Panic’s white, but I thought more companies made them.

I know there’s more that I’ve gotten. I really just need to do a video of my makeup collection. It’s just hard in this small house. Since I have to move so much just to get into my dressers that have my makeup. Let me know if you’d want that and I’ll see what I can do. Or I can take pictures of some of what I have, though, that would be a lot of work lol.

So I got a couple eyeshadow pallets from Melaleuca. I can’t wait to use them and see their pigmentation. The top pallet is called East, and the bottom one is called West. They’re inspired by cities from the east coast and the west coast. I really want to try their other color cosmetics. I think I can do some pretty looks with them.

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I’m trying to do stuff more, so I don’t feel guilty about not doing it. I don’t know I’ve just been struggling mentally. So I’ve been trying to stay focused and do what I need to. It’s only been hard to keep the motivation. There’s so much I want to do, but I’ve lacked the motivation to do them.

I have to say I’ve missed going to project beauty share. I really want to go back and volunteer. I don’t feel like I’m doing what I need to do. I do have amazon smile, and when I buy something, a donation goes to them. At least I’m doing something even if it’s small.

So my week hasn’t been eventful. I’ve just been trying to stay ahead of my depression. My meds doctor is changing a med of mine because I gained so much weight after increasing it. So I’m weaning off that one and starting a new one. I worry about my depression getting bad while going off of it, but it’s worth it if my depression gets better after the other med is in me.

Happy 2020!

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So it’s been a while since I’ve said anything on here. My life has been in chaos. I don’t want to talk about the negative, so I’m going to talk about the positive.

I know I just said I wasn’t going to talk about the negative, but I feel this needs to be said so it’s understood why I got into counseling and DBT. I had a psychotic break and it took a massive toll on my marriage. It got to the point I was considering and planning on killing myself. My husband talked me out of it and I got the help I needed thanks to him. At first, I just got on medications for it. I was on medications first before I got into counseling. It wasn’t until I gained a massive amount of weight and was perusing getting bariatric surgery that I got into counseling per requirements of my medical insurance. It was then I went to Frontier Behavioral Health and was diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder and was put into intensive outpatient dialectical behavior therapy, also referred to as DBT. I started DBT in July 2018 and was assigned a counselor and had to take classes to better understand what it means and what it takes to control yourself while having a personality disorder. I had an amazing counselor who helped me realize why I acted the way I do and why I do certain things. It’s made me think of many things and better understand myself. I was in DBT until July 2019. That’s when I graduated from the program.

During my time in DBT, I decided to go back to school. At first, I enrolled in non-credit classes and was taking classes at Spokane Falls Community College. After taking a quarter of those classes I enrolled in credit classes at Spokane Community College. I first enrolled in A.S.L. 121 which is an intro class into A.S.L.. I thoroughly enjoyed being in A.S.L. and I’m currently in A.S.L. 122. I took psychology 100 and a health class on stress management. I ended up taking classes in the summer which was guidance 102 and English 99. I had so much fun in English 99. I think what I enjoyed the most was doing a research paper. I did my paper on Borderline Personality Disorder. I went back to school in the fall and signed up for English 101, Math 21, and P.E. I have to say P.E. kicked my ass lol. But I lost a lot of inches off my waist. The total of inches I’ve lost is 26 inches. But I know I wouldn’t have been able to lose all the weight if I didn’t have bariatric surgery.

I had bariatric surgery on April 25, 2019. I’ve lost 78lbs so far and 26 inches off my waist. I’m currently in a weight management class so I can try and lose more weight. I gotta do better with my eating. I know I’ve been eating a lot of carbs so I haven’t lost much. I gotta do better. I had the surgery on a Thursday and was back at school that Monday. Everyone said I should’ve taken more time off of school but I didn’t want to get behind on A.S.L. and psychology. I knew if I got behind I would’ve struggled to catch up. I know me and I know how I am. It’s best for me to keep up or ahead than get behind. After the surgery, I was sent home the next day and I couldn’t hold down the pain meds so I ended up in so much pain at home that my mom took me back to the hospital. She called the on-call surgeon cause the emergency room wouldn’t get me back and said I had to wait for hrs. The surgeon bypassed everything hearing me in pain over the phone and made it so I got in and in a room. After I got the right pain meds in me that I could hole down I did okay. I was sent home on Sunday and did so much better with the right pain meds.

I was approved for work-study and I know do work-study in the Spokane Community College Library. I have to say working there has opened me up so much more than I expected. I still try to keep things professional there but I’m slowly making friends. I’m still very quiet but not as much as when I started. I can actually talk to my co-workers and not be judged. My boss understands mental illness which helps so much. Most don’t get a boss who understands and is willing to work with you because of it. I had run out of a med and I was going through withdrawals not having it and I was having bad headaches and nausea. He gave me work to do that was quiet and said to work as long as I wanted if I needed to go home I could. I worked till someone else showed up to cover what I couldn’t but I couldn’t handle much more. I went home and curled up in bed trying to not throw up and a pillow over my face to help with the headache. My mom called everywhere so I could get the med cause my pharmacy said they didn’t get their shipment so I had to go somewhere else. We finally got my meds and I was good the next day getting it into me took the symptoms away. I can’t believe how happy I am at the library. I never thought I would open up the way I have. I know I could open up more but I’m happy. I’ve gone through the years closed off emotionally, it feels so different opening up emotionally to those around me. The only person outside of the family who seen me open up is my best friend Cindy and my husband, Brandon. I can only go up from here emotionally. D.B.T. opened the door and school is opening that door even more than work slammed that door open lol and I don’t mind. I’m happy and I want to stay that way and keep moving forward.

I haven’t gone to see very many movies due to school, work, and volunteering I just haven’t had time. So I don’t have much to say about this subject like I normally do. I try to watch new movies when I have time but mostly it’s been watching the same old ones I know cause I need to do my homework and not pay attention to the T.V… So the movies that play a great deal is Erin Brockovich, Green Mile, Jurassic Park, and Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias stand-up comedy. I try to watch different things but it’s hard cause I have so much homework at times. Especially when a paper is due and it has to be a certain amount of pages and words. Thankfully I enjoy writing so that parts not too bad it’s just when it comes to math. I hate math but I’m doing what I need to so I can pass the class.

I haven’t worn much makeup but I try when I’m not too tired in the mornings. I’ve canceled my subscriptions due to money being tight. I had it till December and I had to cancel after that. I didn’t want to cancel I just couldn’t afford it anymore. I have so much makeup LOL. I need to try and use what I have and try not to get more but that won’t happen I’ll still buy makeup LOL.

I now volunteer at Project Beauty Share here in town. This is their website https://projectbeautyshare.org/. I love volunteering there. I’ve been doing it since October 26, 2019. I first went there to sanitize makeup. Then I asked about doing it on another day and they said they needed help on Mondays. Which worked perfectly with my school schedule. I feel so good feeling needed. They tell me all the time that they appreciate the work that I do for them. I open mail with them and presort the makeup that needs to be sanitized. The makeup is sanitized each Wednesday and on certain Saturdays. I can’t say how much I thoroughly enjoy helping out there. My boss also works with me so I can do it and don’t schedule me for Mondays. I found out about Project Beauty Share through Thataylaa on YouTube. This is the link to her YouTube https://www.youtube.com/user/ThaTaylaa that goes by Taylor Wynn now. I first started following her when she was doing 15 days of foundation. Where she tried out a foundation for 15 days in a row. I started following her during her first round of doing that. She now does it every I think 6 months and works with Project Beauty Share to raise money and also does Voting on a certain nonprofit organization to do a meetup at. The organization that gets the most votes Taylor does a meet up at and they give $5,000. Last time they raised so much they were able to give money to the other organizations. Which I love so much. I love that Taylor brings these organizations to the public eye so people know where and what to donate to. Volunteering with them is helping to keep my door propped open so I can open up more. I’m learning to be so happy and it feels so unreal.

On April 23, 2019, I lost Rocko.

I know I said no negative but this is what happened. I miss him so much. I stayed with him until the bitter end. His spin was rupturing and he couldn’t walk or hold his bowel movements. We had a diaper on him to help with his bladder. We didn’t mind having to change his diaper and give him meds. I was willing to spend what I had to to keep him comfortable. But I did everything the vet told me to and he still was suffering. We took him in carrying him on his blanket. The vet looked at him and told us what we feared. He was getting worse and was not reacting to the meds as they had hoped. He could get surgery but they didn’t feel it would help him there was not a big chance that it would help. I made the hard decision to end his suffering. I cried so much and I hurt emotionally so much. I didn’t plan on getting any more pets for a while. I got Rocko’s ashes back on April 29 along with a cast of his pawprint. I cried so hard when I got it. I struggled to do my homework during that time but I did what I had to. I guess homework helped to keep my mind occupied. I was also going to D.B.T. classes and seeing my therapist helped me emotionally. On May 5, 2019, I went to look at cats at Spokanimal I didn’t expect to bring any of them home. But I met my Yuki. He was meowing and pawing at me and even licking my hand. He’s from California he was displaced due to the fires down there and no one claimed him. He had no microchip and he was at a shelter that was so full that they couldn’t handle how many cats they had. So he was sent up here. He was supposed to go to Scraps but they were closed when they got up here and Spoanimal was open. They took all the kitties. That same day mom saw a kitty that reminded her of a cat she had when she was young. I got her for my mom. Her name is Sophia-sassy-pants lol. I love them with all my heart. When we went to get their licenses we looked at the kitties and saw a black kitty that was so lovely. My husband really wanted a black cat so I got her for him. Her name is Cleopatra. She’s such a love bug.

I love all our kitties but I still longed to have a dog. I was looking online at classifieds and saw an ad for Great Pyrenees puppies. We were just going to get me one at first until my mom saw them. She didn’t want to leave the one that was glued to her. So we both got puppies.

Mine is named Angel and moms is named Daisy. We got them on December 7, 2019. My brother was kind enough to take mom and me to get them in Sprague, WA. We would’ve gotten lost if mom and I went lol at least my brother knew the area due to fishing in that area. I’ve been so happy with them they’re our fluffy marshmallows lol until they become our fluffy polar bears. I know they’re going to get big. Everyone keeps saying they’re going to get huge. Like we’ve never had big dogs before. Sargent Rockhead was 130lbs alone if not more. Angel and Daisy’s parents were 150lbs. They were on-site and were so loving. I love all our furbabies when we move to a bigger house mom and I plan on getting 2 rottweiler puppies.

Right now we’re in a small one-bedroom house. The house we were in was foreclosed on due to my grandparent’s not making the payments on the house. I know a lot of people think we should sue and what not but I don’t have any hard feelings towards them. Things happen and I understand. Yeah, it sucks but we can’t change what has come to pass. And I don’t want to waste my energy being angry about it. I’ve learned that things happen and there’s a lot I can’t change so the only thing I can control is how I react and respond. So, I have no hard feelings towards them. I know our living situation is cramped but I don’t mind. We’ll find a new bigger place to live sooner or later.

Now for books, I haven’t read much for fun except I did read The Hobbit over Christmas break. It was nice to read something that I didn’t feel forced to read. Don’t get me wrong the books I had to read for English 99 and 101 were really good. One I read twice. Which was The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead. Here’s a link to buy the book.

https://www.amazon.com/Nickel-Boys-Novel-Colson-Whitehead/dp/0385537077/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Nickel+Boys%3A+A+Novel&qid=1579400237&sr=8-1

I read it for English 101 and its historic fiction. So, it’s based on events that happened but the characters were fiction. It was a very moving book about a boy who was sent to the Nickel Academy for stealing a car when he didn’t steal it he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It talks about what he suffered at the academy and how he was abused. It talks about how he and his friend escaped from there and one of them was killed. It talked about so much that happened. It’s so sad that the story is based on facts. The other book that we had to read was Educated By Tara Westover. Here’s a link to purchase this book.

https://www.amazon.com/Educated-Memoir-Tara-Westover/dp/0399590501/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3QTXUBVN6ROXS&keywords=educated+tara+westover&qid=1579400327&sprefix=educated+%2Caps%2C268&sr=8-1

It’s a memoir about a woman who basically bullshitted her way into college without high school education. Her parents, well, mostly her father, was completely against public education. He was against the government and he thought he was apart of Ruby Ridge that happened in North Idaho. When he had nothing to do with it. Ruby Ridge really did happen in north Idaho. Everything that happened in the book was looked into and found to be true. The publisher is known for making sure things are facts before putting it out there that a story is based on facts. Her whole family says that she made it all up and that she’s crazy. It’s a really good story and I would highly recommend both books. I can’t remember the book I read in English 99 but it was alright not sure if I will read it again but it was good.

I know I haven’t posted on here in so long but I have been busy with life. I want to post on here more, I know I say that every time but I need to remember to do things for myself, that I enjoy. I’m trying to take care of myself. I’m taking care of the things around me before I’m taking care of myself and I need to remember myself. I’ve stopped compulsively eating but that’s changed to compulsively shopping. I’m trying to get myself under control. I’m seeing a therapist but she’s a bit of a flake and I can’t depend on her. I’m thinking of finding someone else that is more reliable. That knows about people with B.P.D. and about D.B.T. it’s something that I need in a therapist. I’m trying to work on what I need to so I can be better emotionally and physically.

I hope to try and make this at least a weekly thing. We’ll see especially when it comes to homework. So, I hope to talk to you guys again in a week. Till then, later!