People without a mental illness don’t understand or care that communication is essential for emotional stability. Especially for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, we feel things so much more intensely than the average person. Being rejected, ridiculed, or invalidated is as painful as being physically hit. It’s why most will self-harm because physical pain is more straightforward to cope with than emotional.
Our minds will fixate on things, especially if it involves those three things. One word, rejection, invalidation becomes a massive part of our thought process involving that person.
I hate how much my mind fixates on things…
I’m sure people are getting tired of hearing about the sides to my mind, but seriously, I’ve hidden them for years, and I’m tired of not talking. I guess I’ll walk the lonely road of being labeled crazy, psycho, undeserving.
My mind is currently at war with itself; I’m fighting Hamster and Battie. They’re telling me they were right. I’m disgusting, ugly, unworthy, and everyone hates me. They’ve been telling me since last night I’m not worth anyone’s time or attention, and it’s getting hard to tell them otherwise.
Rabbit is telling me the only thing I’m good for is sex because who the fuck would want to be with a crazy disgusting, ugly POS?
I know there are going to be a lot of people who argue that…
But this is how my mind works, for fucks sake!
I’m arguing with my mind, fighting that verbal battle. Lately, it feels like I’m losing…
I’m getting close to pushing people away and going back to being a recluse.
Now back to why communication is so fucking vital…
I need to have very transparent communication with people, so I have the fucking facts to shut up those fucking assholes in my head! I don’t nag for clarification to be annoying or a bitch; it’s to shut them up!
Fuck! I wish I could show people how painful it is to fight with my mind every fucking day!
It’s why I’ve been so transparent about having Borderline Personality Disorder, among others. I need to be around people willing to help me so I don’t spiral out of fucking control. People who are willing to talk about my mental health without judgment. Finding that has been nothing short of searching for a unicorn.
Why is searching for someone who understands, is patient, and willing to learn about my mental health so hard? Oh yeah…
There’s a stigma around it.
Maybe I should reside to being the crazy animal lady? I know it goes “cat lady,” but I like more than just cats, so deal with it.
Finding someone willing to help me stay sane and think clearly will be a mythical quest to finding any mythical creature from the centuries.
I’m feeling empty and tired, but it’s not the physical tired…
It’s mentally, so that sleeping won’t cut it.
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m not going to end my life for those who are now worried because I couldn’t inflict that pain onto my family and friends. Their pain means more to me than my own.
So, I’ll sit here in emotional pain until the reaper takes me naturally.
What is sympathy? How are they different? To sympathize with someone is to feel sorry for them, almost a pity in my opinion. Empathy, on the other hand, is to feel their pain with them. You aren’t shaming them for their pain; you are compassionate about it.
Now, it’s been a few days since I wrote that. I was doing homework, and with my 100 tabs open in my head, I got a popup! 📡💡🤯
I wonder? 🤔
Did you read it? Are you guys still checking up on what I post? Wondering if I’m going to talk about how this quarter plays out?
I’m asking that because I realized I sent a link to my site to the teacher I had an issue with and turned in my extra credit in a class.
Now I’m sitting here wondering who read it at the school. I’ll tell you why…
This quarter has started… 🤔
Interesting, I think that’s the best way to put it. And if I’m blunt, I’m amused 😆
If my post about me reflecting on my year so far, along with the communications between the teacher and chair of the department. Then I find this intriguing, to say the least. Maybe I’m just looking too much into this and overanalyzing? 🤷
Now, the question is, me using emojis in my post annoying and unprofessional to you guys? Do I seem uneducated and unskilled when I post on here? Am I considered a rude and undedicated person who doesn’t understand how to use vocabulary properly because I choose to use vulgarity in my posts?
I have so many questions going through my head with all these tabs open. Yes, I am questioning where the damn music and talking is coming from. 😒
Now, I want to put this out there; this is a place for me to tell everyone what goes through my head due to my mental health.
This is a place where I’m telling everyone what it’s like to be in my head. Isn’t that what these kinds of sites are for? Now, I’ve had this site since 2007, when I started it on Livejournal.com. I transferred over to here because I got nothing but spam and porn sites commented on my posts, and I was tired of it. I have an actual fucking spam filter on this bitch! <—- vulgarity 😲the horror! 😂
I’m a sarcastic person, and I’ll tell you why I’m like this.
Because growing up, being constantly humiliated, bullied, and tore down by other people about how I look and my mentality. Teachers told me to get a grow thicker skin! That I have to ignore them. They justified the bullies as I grew up. They told me it wasn’t a big deal.
You know, I thought about killing myself because of being bullied. I thought about KILLING MYSELF! For being BULLIED! I didn’t have anyone who stood up for me! The only people who did were my brothers, but I didn’t go to school with them all the time. They had their own problems with teachers.
Like when a teacher grabbed my brother by the throat and threw him against a wall. He said he had every right to do it to my mother.
Do you know how invalidating that is? Do you!?
Unless you’ve been in a situation where you’ve been bullied left-right, and all around you, you don’t understand what it means to be that way constantly.
Now, I got sarcastic, cynical, and critical because of how I was treated growing up and not only by my peers.
And even after all this, I still have RESPECT for teachers! Because I’m not going to sit here and throw them all in a pile and say they’re all shit! I know everyone is different, and no one is the same. I understand that.
Though, people don’t understand that when it comes to mental health. They don’t understand what the other person’s mental health is all about. Do I enjoy the I fucked up train? No. No one does. But are we supposed to be shamed for fucking up? Again, no. They don’t know what it’s like to go on the “I’m sorry I fucked up” train to everyone. I mean, really, do you know what it’s like to do that? How ashamed I am when that happens. I’m more ashamed when the person invalidates my feelings and basically said you screwed up and deal with it when they make it out like you are nothing more than a nuisance.
Is that all I am? A nuisance? 😕 Nothing more than someone who you’re dealing with until further notice. Did you inform the other school that I’m nothing more than a troublemaker and to be on the lookout? Am I a student or a problem?
Then they condemn you because of that mistake. You have to live with it, and not just from them. You have to deal with it from those who they tell about it. Those people get a different perspective, and most likely, the story changes over and repeatedly.
Now, I want to put this here as well; I can’t read your minds. I don’t know what you guys are thinking. Understand, I don’t know what social norms are because at the critical adolescent age that molds kids between 10-15, I was alone in my room. I didn’t talk to anybody. I don’t understand how to communicate with people. I have to be told I fucked up and how to correct it.
I had to go to therapy to learn how to talk to people! I took those communication classes to learn how to talk to people! Do you realize that!? I have no idea how to communicate more than half the time because I never knew how to. I’ve only been learning how to do that since 2018.
Fuck, you have no idea what it’s like to be in my head. How hard it is to talk and understand things. I’ve only ever asked for empathy, not sympathy. I don’t want you to pity me.
I want you to say I may not understand what goes through your head and mind or how you feel, but I’ll stand here and help you to understand things. I’ll help you to understand this reality since you’ve only been in it for a short time. I’ll help you; I won’t draw a silver lining; I’ll stand with you while you’re in pain until you can stand on your own two feet.
I have only ever asked for compassion. Right now, that seems like nothing more than a unicorn—a fairytale and wishful thinking. You have no idea how emotionally painful that is to be in a place where people basically treat you like a nuisance, crazy, annoying, stupid, uncaring, and a waste of time and energy.
To be invalidated is painful.
To have Borderline Personality Disorder, one reason is that the person grew up in an invalidating environment and/or trauma.
Seriously, take a course by Marsha Linehan and learn about Dialectical Behavior Therapy and why it’s used for those with personality disorders. Maybe then you’ll understand how to approach and talk to someone like me.
In my reflections post about everything that’s been going on with me recently regarding personal and school.
I feel so defeated…
Was there a point in writing a letter to the dean or the chair of my concerns? Was there a point in trying to be heard? They talk about the rights of those with disabilities, but are those for the obvious?
I have several mental illnesses. One of them is Borderline Personality Disorder, which I want to educate you on what that is. I shared my poem, but there’s more to it than that. So much more. There’s a reason I want to be around people who are not judgmental about it. The criticism a person receives from having a mental illness is intense. Don’t sit here and tell me it’s not unless you have a mental illness yourself. If you’ve been open about it without being blamed for just seeking attention or being psycho; Then kudos to you. I applaud you and envy you. Most don’t get that, especially from people outside their family—those who don’t know them.
Now here’s an introductory on what Borderline Personality is:
Now that’s the basics of it, and before I bombard you with information on what this disorder is. I want you to understand something; I’m not crazy!
I feel things more intensely than other people, and people don’t realize that. I can feel things so intensely that I want to feel physical pain to relieve the emotional pain. It distracts me from the emotional pain. I struggle to handle emotional pain. When I feel rejected, shame is invalidated. It’s as though someone is slapping me across the face tenfold but emotionally. It feels like my head is splitting in two at times. It has gotten so intense that I have started hitting my head just to stop the pain. That’s how intense that gets for me.
I got on medication in 2014, but I was still highly emotionally dysregulated. It wasn’t until I went into IOP DBT that I started to change my actions. That I stopped self-harming all the time when I was emotionally dysregulated, people don’t realize how much I have hurt myself. I will eat and eat until I feel sick or I throw up. I don’t purposely make myself throw up; I just eat until it happens, or I eat until it comes close to happening. That’s why I have a binge eating disorder. When I don’t take part in that, I starve myself. In high school, I would only eat one meal a day at times. I barely drank water. I have body dysmorphia. I hate the way I look. I think I’m the most hideous thing around. I’m trying to learn to love myself in therapy.
People don’t realize we don’t do this by choice. Our brain is screaming at us to do it. For me, it becomes a compulsion. That’s why self-harm is considered compulsive. It’s what our brains turn to because that’s what it’s always known to ease the pain when there wasn’t anything else. It’s a security blanket, in a way. Well, that’s how it has been for me.
So many people make assumptions about a disorder they don’t know anything about. They don’t know what it’s like to be in my head. What it’s like to not have memories of your life because you dissociated so much everything is blank. This isn’t something I choose. This isn’t something I want. If I could stop it, I would, but I can’t. I’m just going through therapy and trying to cope. I’m working, so it doesn’t control my life.
I don’t mind talking about my mental illnesses, so long as I speak to people who have empathy and compassion. Not sympathy.
You don’t know the difference between the two, do you? Here is a quote from a character in my fantasy world that I created. But this is the difference between them.
I wanted to do this post to educate people about this. I want people to understand it’s okay to ask questions on this. Just don’t make assumptions that I’m lazy or a complete bitch because I lash out. I own up to my lashing out. I always have. I know when I’m in the wrong. I just need people around me who are understanding and companionate about this.
Now, if you want a PDF for it in the professional setting to understand what this is. Go here:
Here’s an essay I wrote on BPD when in English 99:
English 99
13 August 2019
Borderline Personality Disorder Can Be Managed
Borderline personality disorder, also known as BPD, is a mental disorder stemming from childhood trauma. People with BPD have a fear of abandonment, impulsiveness, self-harm, and either trying to commit suicide or considering it. “Suicide attempts are common, and one in ten patients eventually kills himself or herself” (Talan 2). People should always take it seriously when someone talks or even considers the idea of suicide. BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, in other words people with BPD have a very hard time regulating their emotions. Especially when they grow up in an invalidating environment. They don’t learn what emotions they’re feeling, so they end up disassociating mentally. Which means they basically check out mentally and aren’t aware of their situations or surroundings. People with BPD can also be impulsive in turn will cause them to act on things without thinking. That includes acting out illicit activities with random people. People with BPD can be found in risky situations without regard of their own safety. People with borderline personality disorder would benefit with psychotherapy and medications.
BPD is a psychological disorder that can be chaotic if not properly treated or properly diagnosed. It was considered untreatable for a long time and mental health professionals would withhold the diagnosis, believing the patients were better off (Steiner 1). But it has been found people fare better after they receive a proper diagnosis. “…In men, it is often misdiagnosed as depression or PTSD” (Avramchuk 2). “BPD has a high comorbidity…” which means that other mental illnesses can coincide with BPD making it very difficult to diagnose (Avramchuk 5). Clinicians should remember that BPD “…is equally prevalent in men and women, and is heritable” (Nelson 1). Also, with the comorbidity “…complicates medical care compared to other individuals” (Kulacaoglu 1). Clinicians have to take other mental illnesses into consideration when planning treatments.
Psychotherapy wasn’t found to be able to treat BPD until recently. It wasn’t until the last decade that it has been found to be treatable with dialectical behavior therapy or DBT (Steiner 1). Marsha Linehan and her colleagues created DBT to help with suicidal patients so they’re able to slow down or stop impulsive behavior (Talan 3). It was through treating these patients they were able to see improvement with patients with BPD. BPD is usually misdiagnosed causing symptoms to appear as other illnesses. It’s only when all the symptoms are pooled together when it is finally seen as BPD. It wasn’t till it was published in the DSM-III that there was a set criteria for what was BPD (Schulz 1). “The new diagnostic strategies were helpful…” (Schulz 1). People were treated with antipsychotics before they were treated with therapy. Medications developed for BPD have been slow (Schulz 1). It wasn’t till recently that people were being treated with psychotherapy. DBT is the most common form of psychotherapy patients are treated with, and that usually lasts twelve months (Steiner 2).
The main type of psychotherapy used to treat people with BPD is DBT. DBT usually consist of individual therapy, and group meetings where people are taught new skills to better regulate emotions (Arlo 4). It’s in the group meeting that skills are taught the most. The skills taught are put in four categories: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, and distress tolerance (Arlo 4). The skills are tracked on a paper known as a diary card that has different skills typed up on to it. The other things tacked on the diary card is if there has been an attempt for someone to commit suicide (diary card). If someone has hurt themselves, used illegal drugs, taken medications as prescribed, and lastly the ups and downs of one’s emotions throughout the day (diary card). What has been tracked on the diary card is shared with a counselor privately, and the skills used throughout the week is shared in group sessions. During which the person is validated for their feelings but also helped with finding solutions to problems (Arlo 3). “Mindfulness practice helps to increase awareness and participation in the here and now and to identify areas of struggle that include tendencies to ruminate, dissociate…” (Arlo 5 & 6). “Patients are accepted as they are while also encouraged to make changes” (Arlo 6). The groups are a place where someone knows they’re not alone in the diagnosis. It helps that “therapists are trained to approach patients nonjudgmentally” (Nelson 3). Therapy is a good way to find a road to recovery, and to help someone educate themselves on the illness.
Another thing that can help someone with BPD is medications. Though, as stated before it can be difficult to treat especially with the comorbidity of other illnesses clinicians tend to treat the symptoms that the person is feeling. Some of the medications that were used to treat BPD was traditional antipsychotic’s that is used for people with schizophrenia but after so long it became clear that people with BPD couldn’t tolerate even small doses of these medications (Schulz 2). One of the other ones was an antipsychotic quetiapine or known as seroquel (Schulz 3). “…A report the quetuapine reduced symptoms and also improved cognitive measures…” (Schulz 3). In another trial lamotigine an anticonvulsant has also been successful (Schulz 3). Prozac and xanax have been shown to be successful with people who have BPD (Schulz 4). They help to treat the persons depression as well as their anxiety. So, there is no one medication that is specifically for BPD but it has been found medications that target symptoms can be beneficial (Kulacaoglu 5). Having medications can help a mental illness, and it’s no different than taking a medication for the flu. The medications treat the sickness of the mind just like flu medications treat symptoms of the body.
So, in all treatment can be very beneficial to those suffering with borderline personality disorder. “When an individual understands where their behavior comes from, it can be the key to recovery” (Steiner 4). It helps when the family also learns about the illness so the person with BPD doesn’t feel so alone. Having a network of friends and family that support and try to understand what is going on with that person mentally can be very beneficial. Taking medications can help to ease symptoms to help with the quality of life.
Talan, Jamie. “People with Borderline Personality Disorder are Finding Help in various Therapies, Brain Research.” McClatchy – Tribune Business News, Mar 06, 2007, pp. 1. ProQuest, https://search.proquest.com/docview/462643028?accountid=1169.
