People without a mental illness don’t understand or care that communication is essential for emotional stability. Especially for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, we feel things so much more intensely than the average person. Being rejected, ridiculed, or invalidated is as painful as being physically hit. It’s why most will self-harm because physical pain is more straightforward to cope with than emotional.
Our minds will fixate on things, especially if it involves those three things. One word, rejection, invalidation becomes a massive part of our thought process involving that person.
I hate how much my mind fixates on things…
I’m sure people are getting tired of hearing about the sides to my mind, but seriously, I’ve hidden them for years, and I’m tired of not talking. I guess I’ll walk the lonely road of being labeled crazy, psycho, undeserving.
My mind is currently at war with itself; I’m fighting Hamster and Battie. They’re telling me they were right. I’m disgusting, ugly, unworthy, and everyone hates me. They’ve been telling me since last night I’m not worth anyone’s time or attention, and it’s getting hard to tell them otherwise.
Rabbit is telling me the only thing I’m good for is sex because who the fuck would want to be with a crazy disgusting, ugly POS?
I know there are going to be a lot of people who argue that…
But this is how my mind works, for fucks sake!
I’m arguing with my mind, fighting that verbal battle. Lately, it feels like I’m losing…
I’m getting close to pushing people away and going back to being a recluse.
Now back to why communication is so fucking vital…
I need to have very transparent communication with people, so I have the fucking facts to shut up those fucking assholes in my head! I don’t nag for clarification to be annoying or a bitch; it’s to shut them up!
Fuck! I wish I could show people how painful it is to fight with my mind every fucking day!
It’s why I’ve been so transparent about having Borderline Personality Disorder, among others. I need to be around people willing to help me so I don’t spiral out of fucking control. People who are willing to talk about my mental health without judgment. Finding that has been nothing short of searching for a unicorn.
Why is searching for someone who understands, is patient, and willing to learn about my mental health so hard? Oh yeah…
There’s a stigma around it.
Maybe I should reside to being the crazy animal lady? I know it goes “cat lady,” but I like more than just cats, so deal with it.
Finding someone willing to help me stay sane and think clearly will be a mythical quest to finding any mythical creature from the centuries.
I’m feeling empty and tired, but it’s not the physical tired…
It’s mentally, so that sleeping won’t cut it.
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m not going to end my life for those who are now worried because I couldn’t inflict that pain onto my family and friends. Their pain means more to me than my own.
So, I’ll sit here in emotional pain until the reaper takes me naturally.
What is sympathy? How are they different? To sympathize with someone is to feel sorry for them, almost a pity in my opinion. Empathy, on the other hand, is to feel their pain with them. You aren’t shaming them for their pain; you are compassionate about it.
Now, it’s been a few days since I wrote that. I was doing homework, and with my 100 tabs open in my head, I got a popup! 📡💡🤯
I wonder? 🤔
Did you read it? Are you guys still checking up on what I post? Wondering if I’m going to talk about how this quarter plays out?
I’m asking that because I realized I sent a link to my site to the teacher I had an issue with and turned in my extra credit in a class.
Now I’m sitting here wondering who read it at the school. I’ll tell you why…
This quarter has started… 🤔
Interesting, I think that’s the best way to put it. And if I’m blunt, I’m amused 😆
If my post about me reflecting on my year so far, along with the communications between the teacher and chair of the department. Then I find this intriguing, to say the least. Maybe I’m just looking too much into this and overanalyzing? 🤷
Now, the question is, me using emojis in my post annoying and unprofessional to you guys? Do I seem uneducated and unskilled when I post on here? Am I considered a rude and undedicated person who doesn’t understand how to use vocabulary properly because I choose to use vulgarity in my posts?
I have so many questions going through my head with all these tabs open. Yes, I am questioning where the damn music and talking is coming from. 😒
Now, I want to put this out there; this is a place for me to tell everyone what goes through my head due to my mental health.
This is a place where I’m telling everyone what it’s like to be in my head. Isn’t that what these kinds of sites are for? Now, I’ve had this site since 2007, when I started it on Livejournal.com. I transferred over to here because I got nothing but spam and porn sites commented on my posts, and I was tired of it. I have an actual fucking spam filter on this bitch! <—- vulgarity 😲the horror! 😂
I’m a sarcastic person, and I’ll tell you why I’m like this.
Because growing up, being constantly humiliated, bullied, and tore down by other people about how I look and my mentality. Teachers told me to get a grow thicker skin! That I have to ignore them. They justified the bullies as I grew up. They told me it wasn’t a big deal.
You know, I thought about killing myself because of being bullied. I thought about KILLING MYSELF! For being BULLIED! I didn’t have anyone who stood up for me! The only people who did were my brothers, but I didn’t go to school with them all the time. They had their own problems with teachers.
Like when a teacher grabbed my brother by the throat and threw him against a wall. He said he had every right to do it to my mother.
Do you know how invalidating that is? Do you!?
Unless you’ve been in a situation where you’ve been bullied left-right, and all around you, you don’t understand what it means to be that way constantly.
Now, I got sarcastic, cynical, and critical because of how I was treated growing up and not only by my peers.
And even after all this, I still have RESPECT for teachers! Because I’m not going to sit here and throw them all in a pile and say they’re all shit! I know everyone is different, and no one is the same. I understand that.
Though, people don’t understand that when it comes to mental health. They don’t understand what the other person’s mental health is all about. Do I enjoy the I fucked up train? No. No one does. But are we supposed to be shamed for fucking up? Again, no. They don’t know what it’s like to go on the “I’m sorry I fucked up” train to everyone. I mean, really, do you know what it’s like to do that? How ashamed I am when that happens. I’m more ashamed when the person invalidates my feelings and basically said you screwed up and deal with it when they make it out like you are nothing more than a nuisance.
Is that all I am? A nuisance? 😕 Nothing more than someone who you’re dealing with until further notice. Did you inform the other school that I’m nothing more than a troublemaker and to be on the lookout? Am I a student or a problem?
Then they condemn you because of that mistake. You have to live with it, and not just from them. You have to deal with it from those who they tell about it. Those people get a different perspective, and most likely, the story changes over and repeatedly.
Now, I want to put this here as well; I can’t read your minds. I don’t know what you guys are thinking. Understand, I don’t know what social norms are because at the critical adolescent age that molds kids between 10-15, I was alone in my room. I didn’t talk to anybody. I don’t understand how to communicate with people. I have to be told I fucked up and how to correct it.
I had to go to therapy to learn how to talk to people! I took those communication classes to learn how to talk to people! Do you realize that!? I have no idea how to communicate more than half the time because I never knew how to. I’ve only been learning how to do that since 2018.
Fuck, you have no idea what it’s like to be in my head. How hard it is to talk and understand things. I’ve only ever asked for empathy, not sympathy. I don’t want you to pity me.
I want you to say I may not understand what goes through your head and mind or how you feel, but I’ll stand here and help you to understand things. I’ll help you to understand this reality since you’ve only been in it for a short time. I’ll help you; I won’t draw a silver lining; I’ll stand with you while you’re in pain until you can stand on your own two feet.
I have only ever asked for compassion. Right now, that seems like nothing more than a unicorn—a fairytale and wishful thinking. You have no idea how emotionally painful that is to be in a place where people basically treat you like a nuisance, crazy, annoying, stupid, uncaring, and a waste of time and energy.
To be invalidated is painful.
To have Borderline Personality Disorder, one reason is that the person grew up in an invalidating environment and/or trauma.
Seriously, take a course by Marsha Linehan and learn about Dialectical Behavior Therapy and why it’s used for those with personality disorders. Maybe then you’ll understand how to approach and talk to someone like me.
I only did one essay in this class, I did other writing but they were assessments and I did them with other people. I’m not sure about posting those so I’m leaving it at this. This essay is an assessment on my emotional intelligence (EQ). It was a very interesting and a different perspective on how I am emotionally.
Stephanie Morante
Communications 210
24 October 2020
Emotional Intelligence Analysis
When people hear the word intelligence, they automatically think of their I.Q. Most people wouldn’t put intelligence with emotions, but here we are. Many people fail to realize that without understanding emotions not only of yourself but those around you, it can ultimately affect your interpersonal relationships throughout your life. Being able to understand and identify emotions can help you to communicate appropriately in specific settings. The five categories for emotional intelligence are self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. To not be able to do all of these things to yourself or those around you is to have low emotional intelligence. It takes a great deal of being mindful of your and others’ feelings to recognize those five areas of emotional intelligence. Most don’t realize that their thoughts and confidence in things can affect their emotions. People will ruminate about things that have happened in their life, and they’ll dwell on it. They won’t realize how much it affects their emotions to ruminate about things that have since continuously passed. It can affect our confidence in our work and the conversations we hold in our everyday lives. I have never been the most aware of my emotions and those around me due to having Borderline Personality Disorder (B.P.D.); after assessing my emotional intelligence, it was higher than I expected at forty, though, could use work.
The first thing to work on is my self-awareness, which I have struggled with for a long time. It wasn’t until the past three years that I became more aware of myself and my emotions. I was put in Intensive Out-Patient Dialectical Behavior Therapy (I.O.P. D.B.T.), and that’s when I realized I wasn’t aware of my feelings. That my emotions were very much out of control in my everyday life and made it challenging to live today, I was disassociating several times a day. So I wasn’t even in there mentally to take control of my emotions, through D.B.T. I learned about mindfulness to stay in the present moment and be aware of my surroundings and my feelings. Mindfulness is also encouraged in increasing self-awareness for emotional intelligence. It may seem like an obvious thing to do, to be mindful of your surroundings, but mostly to be aware of your emotions. Without being cognizant of feelings, a person can lose control of those emotions very quickly. That’s why in D.B.T. the first thing people are taught is mindfulness because those with B.P.D. have difficulty regulating their emotions.
After successfully becoming mindful of self-awareness, it can lead to being able to self-regulate better. People can’t regulate their emotions and actions if they’re not aware of what they’re feeling or thinking. Self-regulating is to control yourself from losing control of your feelings in situations and take control of anxiety and stress and take accountability for your actions. When I learned to self-regulate in D.B.T, I first had to learn to validate those feelings. I had to acknowledge that I was feeling them along with why I was feeling them. “If you do decide to express your feeling, you can be most clear by making sure that both you and your partner understand that your feeling is centered on a specific set of circumstances rather than being indicative of the whole relationship” (Alder, Proctor II 155). This quote is something I had to learn and take to heart. That a conversation should be about the problem at hand, it shouldn’t be done in an aggressive or vindictive way towards others to communicate your feelings about a situation without being in a competing conflict style. “The fallacy of causation also operates when we believe that others cause our emotions” (Alder, Proctor II 168). We have to remember that we control and regulate our emotions. Others have no responsibility for our emotions, just as no other person controls our everyday actions. That is why we need to regulate our emotions and take accountability for those emotions, mainly if they cause us to act out inappropriately.
When it comes to motivation skills, they refer to the motivation a person has based on how optimistic they are in their everyday lives. On my optimistic assessment, I’m moderately pessimistic and moderately hopeless. I will give up on everything if I feel I’ve completely failed in what it is I’m doing. It hinders me from completing and following through with tasks that need to be met. I completely agree with the assessment because I tend to give up on certain things if they become too complicated or don’t feel adequate to complete the task. I have struggled with my motivation and optimism throughout the years. I know I learned to be pessimistic about things in life because of how I was raised. My father is cynical about things, and my mother is optimistic about everything she does. My father said she couldn’t get the I.R.S. to forgive her for the $70,000 she owed to them and get it reduced to 1%. She surprised everyone by doing it and getting it approved. I know I should learn from her to think about the positives and be more optimistic about things in life. I know I struggle with feeling optimistic about my everyday life, especially having B.P.D. This is one area I can improve upon.
To lack, empathy is to be emotionally tone-deaf to those around you. I have struggled with how to communicate with people empathetically. When I see people upset, I have no idea what to say or talk to them. I have no idea how to talk to people or even how to relate, especially if they’re looking to talk about something to relate to someone on a subject. I lack in my life experiences, and I haven’t done many things outside of the house. I have lived a very sheltered life when it comes to living emotionally. Growing up, I was always alone, and I didn’t have any friends until I was sixteen. So, I never learned how to talk or communicate empathetically with those around me. Being in my thirties, I’m just now learning how to communicate and recognize when it’s pertinent to be empathetic to those around me. I’ve had to learn that I shouldn’t confuse sympathy with empathy. That sympathy is I feel sorry for you, and empathy is I feel sad with you. I have to be aware of my thoughts and feelings when I’m talking to someone, and I have to make sure I’m empathetic and not sympathetic. I know this is one area of my emotional intelligence that I lack because I was always alone growing up. I never learned the fundamentals that I needed to be empathetic to those around me. I know that’s why most people find it difficult to talk to me, especially my husband because I lack empathy when communicating with him.
For that reason, I also lack in my social skills because I don’t understand how to be in social situations. This is the area I need to work on the most when it comes to my emotional intelligence. I’m very awkward talking to people around me, including my own family. I’ve never understood how to do what “normal” people call small talk. I struggle with just walking up to someone to ask where something is in a store due to extreme social anxiety. I’ve been trying to work on this one the most since I went into I.O.P. D.B.T. in 2018. For me learning to communicate in relationships, whether they’re work or personal relationships. They’ll shape me and how I’ll respond to them. I’ve always struggled with social skills, which is important for improving or creating relationships around me.
Emotional intelligence is fundamental in communication with those around us because it can help us better understand ourselves and the people we’re communicating with. Having self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills are to have a keen understanding of communicating with those around you. From this, I’ve learned that I need to better learn to improve a great deal on all five skills. There are the ones that I want to improve on more than others, but they’re all equally important. Emotional intelligence is something I wasn’t aware of before this, and I’m glad I know of it now because I can now improve upon the areas that I struggle in.
Score Interpretation
Score
Comment
15-34
You need to work on your emotional intelligence. You may find that you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, especially in stressful situations; or, you may avoid conflict because you think that you’ll find it distressing. It’s likely, too, that you find it hard to calm down after you’ve felt upset, and you may struggle to build strong working relationships. Don’t worry – there are plenty of ways that you can build emotional intelligence, starting now. Read our tips below to find out more.
35-55
Your emotional intelligence level is… OK. You probably have good relationships with some of your colleagues, but others may be more difficult to work with. The good news is that you have a great opportunity to improve your working relationships significantly. Read more below to boost your EI still further.
56-75
Great! You’re an emotionally intelligent person. You have great relationships, and you probably find that people approach you for advice. However, when so many people admire your people skills, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs. Read our tips below to find out how you can continue to build your EI. Researchers have found that emotionally intelligent people often have great leadership potential. Realize this potential by seeking opportunities to improve even further.
Characteristics of Emotional Intelligence
Psychologist Daniel Goleman identified five elements that make up emotional intelligence. These are:
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
Terms reproduced by permission of Bloomsbury Press.
Let’s look at how you can develop good skills in each area.
To increase self-awareness , learn about mindfulness . This involves focusing on the present moment – including how you’re feeling. And keep a journal in which you write about and analyze the emotional situations you experience from day to day.
You also need to understand your strengths and weaknesses to build self-awareness. Do a personal SWOT analysis , and ask for feedback from your boss, friends, and trusted colleagues to find out how you can improve further.
Self-Regulation
(Questions 2, 4, 7)
Your score is 6 out of 15
Self-regulation is about staying in control. To develop your skills in this area, learn how to manage your emotions effectively.
If you often get angry , note what triggers this feeling, and think about why this happens. Use techniques such as deep breathing to calm yourself down, and give yourself time to pause before you respond to emails or requests, so that you don’t say something that you’ll later regret. (See our article on anger management to learn more about this.)
You may also be affected by other negative feelings and emotions, such as anxiety and stress . So, do what you can to manage these feelings effectively.
Accountability is another important element of self-regulation. Take responsibility for your actions and behaviors, and make sure that these align with your values .
Motivation
(Questions 6, 10, 12)
Your score is 7 out of 15
Self-motivation is strongly affected by your emotions. When you’re distracted by your emotions, you may find it hard to see tasks through.
Also, set yourself longer-term goals . When you decide what you want to achieve, you’ll focus on what really matters to you. This can be highly motivating, especially when you connect personal goals with career-related ones.
If you’re still struggling to get motivated in your current role, take some time to rediscover your purpose .
Empathy
(Questions 3, 13, 15)
Your score is 10 out of 15
Empathy is the ability to recognize other people’s emotions and understand their perspectives. Goleman calls this aspect of EI “the fundamental people skill.”
To develop empathy , start by simply thinking about other people’s viewpoints. Imagine how they may be feeling, and use active listening skills to understand them fully when they express their emotions to you.
Try not to interrupt or talk about your own feelings during the conversation. Look at their body language , too: it can tell you a lot about their emotions. If you watch and listen to others, you’ll quickly become attuned to how they feel. (The Perceptual Positions technique can give you a particularly sharp insight into what other people may be thinking and feeling.)
Tip:
If you’re a leader, read our article “What’s Empathy Got to do With it?” for tips on using empathy in leadership.
Social Skills
(Questions 5, 9, 14)
Your score is 7 out of 15
Even if you’re not a natural “people person,” it is possible to develop better social skills.
Start by taking our quiz to see which communication skills you need to improve on. Then, find out how you can develop trust and rapport with people – this is an essential part of building good working relationships .
Don’t shy away from negative situations, either. Learn how to deal with conflict and other difficult situations effectively.
If you’re uncomfortable with social situations, work on building self-confidence . Start slowly, but then look for opportunities to practice your skills with bigger groups. For example, you could offer to attend conferences on behalf of your team.
Key Points
Developing high emotional intelligence (or EI) is incredibly important for a successful career. When we have high levels of emotional intelligence, we’re able to build strong working relationships and manage difficult situations more effectively.
Influential psychologist Daniel Goleman developed a framework of five elements that define emotional intelligence:
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
Even if you already have many of the elements of emotional intelligence, it’s important to look for opportunities to build it further. This will increase your leadership potential, and improve the quality of your relationships.
Optimism Test
Here are your scores on the Optimism Test. The following two sections will explain the two basic dimensions of optimism. There are two crucial dimensions to your explanatory style: permanence and pervasiveness.
Certain scores cause the percentile graph to display incorrectly; we apologize if this happens and please ignore this.
Permanence-Good Events Score (You scored as high as or higher than…)%Sc…Web UsersGenderAge GroupOccupationGroupEducationLevelZip Code020406080100
Label
% Score
Web Users
17
Gender
17
Age Group
18
Occupation Group
16
Education Level
17
Zip Code
17
People who believe good events have a permanent cause are more optimistic than those who believe they have temporary causes.
If your score is 7 or 8, you are very optimistic about the likelihood of good events continuing; 6, moderately optimistic; 4 or 5, average; 3, moderately pessimistic; and 0, 1, or 2, very pessimistic.
Oct 07, 2020
Score Range : 0 to 8
Permanence-Bad Events : 3
Permanence-Bad Events Score (You scored as high as or higher than…)%Sc…Web UsersGenderAge GroupOccupationGroupEducationLevelZip Code020406080100
Label
% Score
Web Users
54
Gender
54
Age Group
55
Occupation Group
50
Education Level
52
Zip Code
54
People who give up easily believe the causes of the bad events that happen to them are permanent—the bad events will persist, are always going to be there to affect their lives. People who resist helplessness believe the causes of bad events are temporary.
If your score is 0-1, you are very optimistic on this dimension; 2 or 3, moderately optimistic; 4 average, 5 or 6 quite pessimistic; and if you got a 7 or 8 you are very pessimistic.
Oct 07, 2020
Score Range : 0 to 8
Pervasiveness-Bad Events : 4
Pervasiveness-Bad Events Score (You scored as high as or higher than…)%Sc…Web UsersGenderAge GroupOccupationGroupEducationLevelZip Code020406080100
Label
% Score
Web Users
63
Gender
61
Age Group
64
Occupation Group
56
Education Level
58
Zip Code
64
People who make universal (pessimistic) explanations for their failures give up on everything when a failure strikes in one area. People who make specific (optimistic) explanations may become helpless in that one part of their lives, yet march stalwartly on in others.
If your score is 0-1, you are very optimistic on this dimension; 2 or 3, moderately so; 4 average, 5 or 6 quite pessimistic; and if you got a 7 or 8 very pessimistic
Oct 07, 2020
Score Range : 0 to 8
Pervasiveness-Good Events : 4
Pervasiveness-Good Events Score (You scored as high as or higher than…)%Sc…Web UsersGenderAge GroupOccupationGroupEducationLevelZip Code020406080100
Label
% Score
Web Users
46
Gender
45
Age Group
47
Occupation Group
45
Education Level
44
Zip Code
47
The optimist believes good events will enhance everything he does, while the pessimist believes good events are caused by specific factors.
If your score is 7 or 8, you are very optimistic; 6, moderately optimistic; 4 or 5, average; 3, moderately pessimistic; and 0, 1, or 2, very pessimistic
Oct 07, 2020
Score Range : -16 to 16
Hopefulness : 0
Hopefulness Score (You scored as high as or higher than…)%Sc…Web UsersGenderAge GroupOccupationGroupEducationLevelZip Code020406080100
Label
% Score
Web Users
26
Gender
26
Age Group
26
Occupation Group
29
Education Level
27
Zip Code
26
Whether or not we have hope depends on the two dimensions of Permanence and Pervasiveness taken together. Finding permanent and universal causes of good events along with temporary and specific causes for misfortune is the art of hope finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune and temporary and specific causes of good events is the practice of despair.
If your score is 10 to 16, you are extraordinarily hopeful; 6 to 9, moderately hopeful; from 1 to 5, average, from minus 5 to 0, moderately hopeless; and below minus 5, severely hopeless.
