People without a mental illness don’t understand or care that communication is essential for emotional stability. Especially for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, we feel things so much more intensely than the average person. Being rejected, ridiculed, or invalidated is as painful as being physically hit. It’s why most will self-harm because physical pain is more straightforward to cope with than emotional.
Our minds will fixate on things, especially if it involves those three things. One word, rejection, invalidation becomes a massive part of our thought process involving that person.
I hate how much my mind fixates on things…
I’m sure people are getting tired of hearing about the sides to my mind, but seriously, I’ve hidden them for years, and I’m tired of not talking. I guess I’ll walk the lonely road of being labeled crazy, psycho, undeserving.
My mind is currently at war with itself; I’m fighting Hamster and Battie. They’re telling me they were right. I’m disgusting, ugly, unworthy, and everyone hates me. They’ve been telling me since last night I’m not worth anyone’s time or attention, and it’s getting hard to tell them otherwise.
Rabbit is telling me the only thing I’m good for is sex because who the fuck would want to be with a crazy disgusting, ugly POS?
I know there are going to be a lot of people who argue that…
But this is how my mind works, for fucks sake!
I’m arguing with my mind, fighting that verbal battle. Lately, it feels like I’m losing…
I’m getting close to pushing people away and going back to being a recluse.
Now back to why communication is so fucking vital…
I need to have very transparent communication with people, so I have the fucking facts to shut up those fucking assholes in my head! I don’t nag for clarification to be annoying or a bitch; it’s to shut them up!
Fuck! I wish I could show people how painful it is to fight with my mind every fucking day!
It’s why I’ve been so transparent about having Borderline Personality Disorder, among others. I need to be around people willing to help me so I don’t spiral out of fucking control. People who are willing to talk about my mental health without judgment. Finding that has been nothing short of searching for a unicorn.
Why is searching for someone who understands, is patient, and willing to learn about my mental health so hard? Oh yeah…
There’s a stigma around it.
Maybe I should reside to being the crazy animal lady? I know it goes “cat lady,” but I like more than just cats, so deal with it.
Finding someone willing to help me stay sane and think clearly will be a mythical quest to finding any mythical creature from the centuries.
I’m feeling empty and tired, but it’s not the physical tired…
It’s mentally, so that sleeping won’t cut it.
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m not going to end my life for those who are now worried because I couldn’t inflict that pain onto my family and friends. Their pain means more to me than my own.
So, I’ll sit here in emotional pain until the reaper takes me naturally.
I have only been recently opening to what goes through my head and talking about what I think. I am coming to see how lonely it is to walk this road. Most people do not want to hear or talk about mental health disorders and how much they affect a person’s life. I am now talking about how much these disorders affect my day-to-day. I am opening to everyone, and I am currently finding that most people, especially at school, do not want to hear it. Almost as though I am using it as an excuse to fail shit. I am not doing that.
I do not purposefully dissociate on purpose to forget to work. I do not use having ADHD as an excuse not to retain the information that is being taught. They have never known how many medications I have been put on and taken off during my time there. I have had to deal with all those side effects and practice mindfulness every day.
Do you know I have to practice mindfulness every hour to keep my focus while doing homework? I must constantly practice my DBT skills every day just to do my homework and understand what I do.
That is not a small list! There are 28 different skills I must do all the time, and that is not including trying to practice other crap mentally!
I am not sure if people realize how much energy it takes to act normal and be normal. To not act up and make everyone freaking happy! People do not realize that is why I do not talk much or try to converse. I always say something that irritates or frustrates someone, and they think I am a complete bitch or a completely incompetent imbecile. Either way, someone is always not happy with me in the end because I always say something that pisses them off.
“Youcan’tpleaseeveryone.”
I am coming to understand the phrase now more than ever. I have spent my life worried about making people mad and doing everything to avoid it.
After going through therapy and realizing how much I lived my life around what others wanted me to do, I am now doing what I want. I am showing people what my thought process is like, and many people do not like it.
People never knew what my mind and reality were about day-to-day. They had no idea about me disassociating all the time,causing me not to have memories of things that have happened. The more stress I go through, the more risk I have of disassociating, which is a higher risk of memory loss of that time.
I must fight my mind to stay focused so I can remember everything. I journal all the time so that I have memories of those days. No one knows the guilt I feel when I do not remember things or the activities I did with someone.
I must feel intense emotions that day for it to imprint on my mind. So, I must be genuinely happy or unimaginably miserable when I am disassociating to remember that shit.
Now that video really goes into my mindset, and how much I’m struggling to figure things out. I’m working every day to do what I need to so I can be mindful and present. I don’t want everything to be erased from my mind due to disacociastiong. I have that there are black parts to my past because of it. Anyways, that’s it for this posting.
That statement can be true,to say the least. Especially when analyzing situations about relationships, whether they are professional or personal.
A group of people cannot be given a definitive type of definition because there is an increase in aspecific type of correlation. Though, when we speak to others about their actions, that is when we look at how to approach them best.
We decide if the information we receive is something we need to investigate and read about. We start asking all the questions about that person’s integrity along with the people they spend most of their time with.
I am not saying that if someone in your group of friends does something wrong, you are guilty too. Though, if you approve of it and justifiably say they were in the right place to do what they did, your mentality can be grouped to be comparable to theirs.
You are not guilty by association unless you encourage and help with the said act the other person takes part in. If you should take part in that said action, you are just as guilty.
Now, you might be wondering why I am mentioning this. I will tell you.
After the last quarter and the start of this quarter,I feelhighly uncomfortable and uncertain about my education at the current school I am attending.
Before last quarter, I loved attending this college. Though, now, I am questioning if I even want to go there anymore. I am considering changing to a complete online school in another city because of how things are.
I wanted to see the overall rating of the school and all the teachers I have had over the quarters I have beenthere. As I said, correlation does not equal causation. Some of the teachers on here who have low scores I did very well in their classes, but the ones I struggled in, others have struggled too.
I did not look at this site when I signed up for this quarter; I feel I should have, then I would not have signed up for aparticular class that I ended up dropping only a couple of days into the quarter.
That was because just starting out, it was okay for reading needed, but reading the syllabus and reading so many lines about how if they feel you disrespect them inany way, they will suspend you even if you joke or are sarcastic. If they disagree with it, you will be punished. I would post it with everything highlighted, but I cannot.
I can hope you take my word for it, or you can directly ask me, and I will tell you which class, and you can ask them for their syllables.
From my understanding, people with the highest opinions are the ones who post their ratings on sites such as that one. Though, I did read quite a few average ones on there as well.
I have not posted on there,but I have been thinking about it; I just want to keep analyzing things first.
The reason is, I am not feeling happy with being at this school, and I do not want to post something based on emotions. Is that not the analytical way of doing things?
There are a lot of different scores for teachers and schools on there. Though I do question if the students themselves have been given a survey to answer these questions? What would happen if, bear with my thought here, if they were given the opportunity to do an anonymous survey after each quarter. To gauge if they are satisfied with the education they are receiving and paying for; Some of them are paying out of pocket, and that is the hard-earned income they saved up for, or their parents did.
Shouldn’t they be given the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings after each quarter? How much more time would it take for a teacher or the school to send out those surveys. If not that, the students should be encouraged to rate their professors on that site, so there is a more current and exact rating.
To really stand behind the school’s mission statement,should not a school engage with the students and actively survey them on how their professors are performing during the school year?
Anyways, this is me analyzing things. I am not emotional or aggressive, but I am actively questioning things. Why might you ask?
Because I have not lived like you.
I have not lived in this reality or learned to cope with this reality like everyone else. Due to trauma as a child, I tend to disassociate when I experience intense emotional pain. Because of that, I constantly did that because I could not handle the emotional stress of this reality. I never learned to cope with it.
I am learning things now that I should have learned when I was younger. Does it surprise you to know that I barely know what it means to be in a professional environment? I never learned it. When I was in school as a child, I was always ignored and pushed to the side. When I had to read aloud, the teachers gave other students two paragraphs while I had a sentence. When asking for help, I was questioned and made to feel like I was a nuisance. I felt nothing but the same while at school.
I am learning now to ask questions. I am learning now that it is not wrong to ask a question and that it does not mean you are stupid for the asking. If someone makes you feel shame or insecure for asking, it is not a show of your intelligence but a show of their criticism and judgmental thoughts.
I am now becoming triggered emotionally from this when people refuse to answer my questions or avoid it. Again, I am just analyzing here, and this is not saying this is what they are doing. This is what goes through my mind?
This is my reality and how my mind process works.
When a question is avoided or ignored, it triggers me not to trust the person or people who justify those actions. That is because Iwas made to look like a fool as a child by my peers. I was always the joke and used to trick into thinking they liked me as a friend.
An Example:
One time these girls said their brother had a crush on me and wrote me a letter. Of course, I wrote back. After I gave it to them, I watched them in the back of the bus just laugh hysterically and make fun of me. I cannot tell you how much shame and embarrassment I felt.
That is just one instance of my being ridiculed as an adolescent. I have been lied to, manipulated, abused, and hurt emotionally. I am just now learning what it means to trust a person. When my mind tells me not to trust someone, I lash out. I will become cynical, sarcastic, and snide.
I am highlyaware of my shortcomings, and I do not have to be reminded of them. Iknow what it means to go along the I messed up train and theshame that comes with it. I am very aware of the judgments and those that decided I am no longer of value to their lives. These things are nothing new to me.
Now back to correlation does not equal causation.
I am learning to change that correlation of my life of the lashing out and those shortcomings to my personality. But I cannot do it alone.
I need support, as though there is no tomorrow. I need people to tell me when I mess up so I can change these things. I need that communication in my life because I never learned it. I am not asking people to put up with abuse from me. I am asking people to point out when I am in the wrong.
Though, that needs to go both ways as well. Those people need to be able to accept when they are being told something is not working. Yes, I have a mental disorder, but that does not mean I am stupid or do not know when something is not working.
I have a mental disorder, and because of that, I learn differently from other people. It is hard for me to understand concepts at times.
I was now looking at the site rate of my professor and looking at all the professors I had. Not all of them are negative, and not all of them are positive either. Though, reading what people say is very consistentwith some of the things I have felt and spoke about a few professors I have had in the past.
These reviews do not decide who is and is not a bad professor. These are just reviewing them, and some are not even current. I just wonder how many college students would be more apt to go on there if the schools they were in encouraged them to review their teachers on their so they could understand how the students feel about their teachers and the course they are taking.
