It has been a few weeks since I have posted anything. It was not on purpose; I just had an extreme episode of depression that stopped me from doing many things.
So much has happened since my last posting. The first thing that happened was that I was scammed.
I started to write out something talking about determining who is trying to scam you out of money, but I forgot about what else a person could be scammed out of. So, this is what I wrote but did not post; I wrote this back in May. I have just had not been willing to write much about anything until now.
How to determine if the person you are talking to is a scammer.
Offering something too good to be true.
When something is too good to be true, it usually comes to people online that you do not know. Yes, they may show pictures of said “glorious gift,” but how do you know those are not friends working with them as accomplices? How do you know it is not fake images from someone else’s social media?
They always ask for some type of ID or SS ID. When they are denied, they will demand trust from you. Then, they will keep talking and twisting your words until you give in.
Scammers come in many forms, not just for money. They are charming, tearing down your walls. Sometimes they just want you for their ego. Until you are nothing but putty in the hands ready to do their bidding, anything to please them.
You end up allowing them in your heart even when you are the most cautious person. Something about them disarms you.
You are probably wondering why I am saying this; it is because I was scammed emotionally. I let my guard down, and I did not follow my usual precautions. I ended up allowing someone to pray on me because of it.
Ever since I found out, most people have just told me it was my fault. That I allowed myself to be put in that situation is victim-blaming at its finest. Nevertheless, I am struggling to accept the fact that it happened. I am getting to the point where I am scared to leave my house. I have been nothing but an emotional wreck since then.
I was scammed but not for money but my emotions. This guy charmed his way past my emotional barriers and took my heart and mind for granted. Most people hear scams and think someone is swindled out of money or possessions. But people scam us of our time and emotionally. We give our whole hearts and feelings to these people; then, like a bitch slap, you find out your only there to boost their egos.
I have been so cautious about being scammed financially that I forgot to be cautious with my heart and mind.
This is what I was scammed out of, my time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. It has caused me a great deal of emotional pain. I have also been worried about family during these times.
My Grandmother had to have lung surgery to remove a mass, and they tested it while she was on the operating table to check if it was cancerous. Unfortunately, it came back positive, they had to remove part of her lung, and it was difficult surgery.
The doctor asked my mother if she was from the south, such as Mississippi because that is the only place he is seen people with a lung that sticky. He struggled to separate the mass, her lung, and vital organs that took him longer than he wanted.
She also had other Lymph Nodes that he did not like the look of, so they took samples to test for cancer. They said if they came back positive, she would need another surgery. Thankfully, they came back negative, and she did not have to go through another surgery.
With the worry of my family’s health and someone taking me for a fool, I have started to slip back into disassociating from this reality. I have thrown myself into diamond painting to keep myself in the present. I have been going back into my Fantasy world, but I fought back at first. When my mind slipped, I messed up the picture several times. Finally, it got to the point where I decided to step back from diamond painting.
I have now decided to write out what happens through my mind when I disassociate from this reality into my Fantasy world. I have started with the latest one. I figured writing out who said what and what happened would only be a couple of thousand words. Boy, was I wrong… I am not even a quarter into it, and I am already at 11,502 words.
I remember all the events that have taken place in this Fantasy world. I plan to write them out; I may not remember exact words, but I do know everyone’s personalities like the back of my hand, and I know how they would respond. I know who what good at the time and who was bad. I remember everything that twisted these people and their minds. I listed out the events, and it is thirty-two so far, but I am sure there are more.
I had no plans to draft a book about all this but just to get it written out. Though things are going with what I am currently writing, it will become a book. The crazy part of it is, I have been just writing out dialogue and actions; I have not put very many details or descriptions into it. I just wanted to get the main parts down. I can get the details of looks, places, and expressions down later. But, for now, I just wanted it to be written out.
Though, I am uncertain if people would even want to read it, mainly because it is not just talking about the disassociation and what is happening during the time but also the mental commentary. It is the best way to describe my mind’s thought process because of my mental health. The commentary is not from me either, and it is from the different sides of my mind that I have named, Hamster, Owl, Batty, Squirrel, Goldie, Dragon, and Rabbit. These guys are all sides to my mind and my emotions.
In writing this, though, I see what I usually think when meeting people and how irritated I get when I perform specific actions and those routines are not completed. Writing this out is allowing me to see my mind from a different perspective. Because in this world, I am an outsider watching what is happening to me and those in this world. Yet, at the same time, they are happening to me in certain situations because I will make it where I am part of that world in certain events then pull myself out again. And all the while, I will do things in this world and not have any memories of them because my mind is more focused on recording the memories of my fantasy world. To my mind, that world is more interesting than this one.
The sarcasm in this one is very apparent, and I curse like a sailor in it. I’m not sure who I plan to show it to and If I will put everything as a book, but I just wanted to get things written down onto paper. Well, onto word here on the computer, sorry had to get technical.
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I have only been recently opening to what goes through my head and talking about what I think. I am coming to see how lonely it is to walk this road. Most people do not want to hear or talk about mental health disorders and how much they affect a person’s life. I am now talking about how much these disorders affect my day-to-day. I am opening to everyone, and I am currently finding that most people, especially at school, do not want to hear it. Almost as though I am using it as an excuse to fail shit. I am not doing that.
I do not purposefully dissociate on purpose to forget to work. I do not use having ADHD as an excuse not to retain the information that is being taught. They have never known how many medications I have been put on and taken off during my time there. I have had to deal with all those side effects and practice mindfulness every day.
Do you know I have to practice mindfulness every hour to keep my focus while doing homework? I must constantly practice my DBT skills every day just to do my homework and understand what I do.
That is not a small list! There are 28 different skills I must do all the time, and that is not including trying to practice other crap mentally!
I am not sure if people realize how much energy it takes to act normal and be normal. To not act up and make everyone freaking happy! People do not realize that is why I do not talk much or try to converse. I always say something that irritates or frustrates someone, and they think I am a complete bitch or a completely incompetent imbecile. Either way, someone is always not happy with me in the end because I always say something that pisses them off.
“You can’t please everyone.”
I am coming to understand the phrase now more than ever. I have spent my life worried about making people mad and doing everything to avoid it.
After going through therapy and realizing how much I lived my life around what others wanted me to do, I am now doing what I want. I am showing people what my thought process is like, and many people do not like it.
People never knew what my mind and reality were about day-to-day. They had no idea about me disassociating all the time, causing me not to have memories of things that have happened. The more stress I go through, the more risk I have of disassociating, which is a higher risk of memory loss of that time.
I must fight my mind to stay focused so I can remember everything. I journal all the time so that I have memories of those days. No one knows the guilt I feel when I do not remember things or the activities I did with someone.
I must feel intense emotions that day for it to imprint on my mind. So, I must be genuinely happy or unimaginably miserable when I am disassociating to remember that shit.
http://https://youtu.be/SSQxJFK38EoNow that video really goes into my mindset, and how much I’m struggling to figure things out. I’m working every day to do what I need to so I can be mindful and present. I don’t want everything to be erased from my mind due to disacociastiong. I have that there are black parts to my past because of it. Anyways, that’s it for this posting.
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Correlation does not equal causation.
That statement can be true, to say the least. Especially when analyzing situations about relationships, whether they are professional or personal.
A group of people cannot be given a definitive type of definition because there is an increase in a specific type of correlation. Though, when we speak to others about their actions, that is when we look at how to approach them best.
We decide if the information we receive is something we need to investigate and read about. We start asking all the questions about that person’s integrity along with the people they spend most of their time with.
I am not saying that if someone in your group of friends does something wrong, you are guilty too. Though, if you approve of it and justifiably say they were in the right place to do what they did, your mentality can be grouped to be comparable to theirs.
You are not guilty by association unless you encourage and help with the said act the other person takes part in. If you should take part in that said action, you are just as guilty.
Now, you might be wondering why I am mentioning this. I will tell you.
After the last quarter and the start of this quarter, I feel highly uncomfortable and uncertain about my education at the current school I am attending.
Before last quarter, I loved attending this college. Though, now, I am questioning if I even want to go there anymore. I am considering changing to a complete online school in another city because of how things are.
Last night I decided to go onto this website:
Rate My Professors – Review Teachers and Professors, School Reviews, College Campus Ratings
I wanted to see the overall rating of the school and all the teachers I have had over the quarters I have been there. As I said, correlation does not equal causation. Some of the teachers on here who have low scores I did very well in their classes, but the ones I struggled in, others have struggled too.
I did not look at this site when I signed up for this quarter; I feel I should have, then I would not have signed up for a particular class that I ended up dropping only a couple of days into the quarter.
That was because just starting out, it was okay for reading needed, but reading the syllabus and reading so many lines about how if they feel you disrespect them in any way, they will suspend you even if you joke or are sarcastic. If they disagree with it, you will be punished. I would post it with everything highlighted, but I cannot.
I can hope you take my word for it, or you can directly ask me, and I will tell you which class, and you can ask them for their syllables.
From my understanding, people with the highest opinions are the ones who post their ratings on sites such as that one. Though, I did read quite a few average ones on there as well.
I have not posted on there, but I have been thinking about it; I just want to keep analyzing things first.
The reason is, I am not feeling happy with being at this school, and I do not want to post something based on emotions. Is that not the analytical way of doing things?
There are a lot of different scores for teachers and schools on there. Though I do question if the students themselves have been given a survey to answer these questions? What would happen if, bear with my thought here, if they were given the opportunity to do an anonymous survey after each quarter. To gauge if they are satisfied with the education they are receiving and paying for; Some of them are paying out of pocket, and that is the hard-earned income they saved up for, or their parents did.
Shouldn’t they be given the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings after each quarter? How much more time would it take for a teacher or the school to send out those surveys. If not that, the students should be encouraged to rate their professors on that site, so there is a more current and exact rating.
To really stand behind the school’s mission statement, should not a school engage with the students and actively survey them on how their professors are performing during the school year?
Anyways, this is me analyzing things. I am not emotional or aggressive, but I am actively questioning things. Why might you ask?
Because I have not lived like you.
I have not lived in this reality or learned to cope with this reality like everyone else. Due to trauma as a child, I tend to disassociate when I experience intense emotional pain. Because of that, I constantly did that because I could not handle the emotional stress of this reality. I never learned to cope with it.
I am learning things now that I should have learned when I was younger. Does it surprise you to know that I barely know what it means to be in a professional environment? I never learned it. When I was in school as a child, I was always ignored and pushed to the side. When I had to read aloud, the teachers gave other students two paragraphs while I had a sentence. When asking for help, I was questioned and made to feel like I was a nuisance. I felt nothing but the same while at school.
I am learning now to ask questions. I am learning now that it is not wrong to ask a question and that it does not mean you are stupid for the asking. If someone makes you feel shame or insecure for asking, it is not a show of your intelligence but a show of their criticism and judgmental thoughts.
I am now becoming triggered emotionally from this when people refuse to answer my questions or avoid it. Again, I am just analyzing here, and this is not saying this is what they are doing. This is what goes through my mind?
This is my reality and how my mind process works.
When a question is avoided or ignored, it triggers me not to trust the person or people who justify those actions. That is because I was made to look like a fool as a child by my peers. I was always the joke and used to trick into thinking they liked me as a friend.
An Example:
One time these girls said their brother had a crush on me and wrote me a letter. Of course, I wrote back. After I gave it to them, I watched them in the back of the bus just laugh hysterically and make fun of me. I cannot tell you how much shame and embarrassment I felt.
That is just one instance of my being ridiculed as an adolescent. I have been lied to, manipulated, abused, and hurt emotionally. I am just now learning what it means to trust a person. When my mind tells me not to trust someone, I lash out. I will become cynical, sarcastic, and snide.
I am highly aware of my shortcomings, and I do not have to be reminded of them. I know what it means to go along the I messed up train and the shame that comes with it. I am very aware of the judgments and those that decided I am no longer of value to their lives. These things are nothing new to me.
Now back to correlation does not equal causation.
I am learning to change that correlation of my life of the lashing out and those shortcomings to my personality. But I cannot do it alone.
I need support, as though there is no tomorrow. I need people to tell me when I mess up so I can change these things. I need that communication in my life because I never learned it. I am not asking people to put up with abuse from me. I am asking people to point out when I am in the wrong.
Though, that needs to go both ways as well. Those people need to be able to accept when they are being told something is not working. Yes, I have a mental disorder, but that does not mean I am stupid or do not know when something is not working.
I have a mental disorder, and because of that, I learn differently from other people. It is hard for me to understand concepts at times.
I was now looking at the site rate of my professor and looking at all the professors I had. Not all of them are negative, and not all of them are positive either. Though, reading what people say is very consistent with some of the things I have felt and spoke about a few professors I have had in the past.
These reviews do not decide who is and is not a bad professor. These are just reviewing them, and some are not even current. I just wonder how many college students would be more apt to go on there if the schools they were in encouraged them to review their teachers on their so they could understand how the students feel about their teachers and the course they are taking.
