I haven’t lived like you…

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A few people told me I’m inspirational for what I’m doing and accomplishing. But, in reality, you have inspired me. You all have been living your lives while I was stuck far, far away, to a world I never gave a name; I only ever called it My Fantasy World. Yes, I’m talking about things now. I’m telling everyone what’s in my mind now. I’m excepting reality. But, I haven’t lived like you. I haven’t been able to deal with or handle reality as it is. What I learned in school I warped into my world. What I learned and saw was always warped into my world. It wasn’t the happy parts of what I learned. I focused on the darker insidious side of things. I wanted to know the things that people turned their backs on. Because I felt everyone turned their back on me, especially in school. That I should learn about what people turned their backs on and what they misjudged the most. I started to dress goth because it’s what people hated to see. I felt normal when it happened because I felt they didn’t want to acknowledge me anyway. Why not be apart of a world they avoided?

Everyone kept saying it was nothing more than a phase to go back to being a girly girl. It never happened. I ended up hating the color pick because everyone said it’s a girly color. After a while, I started to get anxious at the thought of even wearing it or having anything with it. I didn’t want to be “normal” because I didn’t feel normal. I was also not in reality itself. Reality itself has been hard for me the past few years, but I’m working my ass off to stay in it. I won’t lie. There have been times I have disassociated and just went back to that world. Mostly because it’s the only place I feel understood emotionally. But I realized I haven’t let anyone know my emotions for so long I don’t know how to communicate my emotions to be understood. I had to go through intense therapy to learn that.

I was on medications since 2014, and I didn’t go to therapy until I was trying to get bariatric surgery. My insurance required it, lol. But, it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I learned to stand on my own two feet. And when I found out about Brandon cheating that time, I had IOP DBT for support. The therapist and people there understood my mental state and what I was going through emotionally because the therapist work with people with BPD and the people there had it. I’m not saying my family didn’t support me. They did through it all. I should’ve listened to them and dumped his ass at that time, but what can you do? I made a choice, and I had to deal with the consequences. I’ll admit I’m mentally better to handle things ending with us now than I would’ve back then.

Everyone has more life experience than I do. I don’t think people realize I don’t have the experiences like they do and the emotional understanding that they do. I’m having to learn how to actually communicate with people and I took communications classes for it. I’m trying to understand things emotionally. Do I flip out over little shit? Yes. Because I don’t know how to cope with it, I never learned like everyone else. When I got emotionally dysregulated I would just shut down and disassociate into My Fantasy World. I was able to cope better there. Why? It was a place of familiarity. Anyone with anxiety will understand that when being in a familiar environment your anxiety goes down a lot. So that’s what I did, because I couldn’t emotionally cope.

I didn’t get into reading until I was 15, and that was because of my aunt Selynda. She introduced me to Manga. I couldn’t get enough, lol then I started to watch anime and Japanese dramas and Korean dramas. Then she introduced me to the Harry Potter series, and I just kept reading. Before this, though, I actually did terrible in school. I actually wonder how the fuck I got to the grade I was in. She pushed me to register for Havermale Alternative School that she went to and enrolled. I was so behind in my credits. I was supposed to be in 10th grade, and I didn’t have a single credit for highschool. I was put in a program that was basically doing classes online but on campus since it was the middle of the school year. After I got classes, actually and I was still a loner at that time. I still didn’t work very hard at my education. The counselor talked to me and told me I wouldn’t graduate at this rate and suggested I go through a program called ESD 101. I had to take a test to get in there, which I failed 3 times. I was doing online classes on campus until I could pass the test. I got in during the last 3 months of the school year. When I got in, I had a 6th-grade education. While I was there, I studied and worked hard. By the end of the 3 months, my grade level was 12.9. This program waved all my credits up until a senior year, but the catch was I had to keep a b+ average or higher otherwise lose everything.

I worked my but off and got all A’s and B’s except for 1 c, which was due to absences’ from having my tonsils removed. Took me a month to recover from it. I graduated with 1 1/2 extra credits than I needed. I did a speech during graduation breakfast and announced to everyone who was to speak. Though, I did end up having a laughing fit in the middle of it. They almost told me to go sit down, lol. I was in the choir that sang during it too. I was the first out of my brothers and me to walk across the stage and get a diploma. I wanted to try and working before continuing with school. That’s when my mental health went to shit. My intense panic attacks that are called pseudo-seizures, started happening. I became a recluse and didn’t leave the house. I didn’t talk to anyone. I only met Brandon from a damn dating site. He moved in 2 weeks after moving up here from Hawaii.

Emotionally I wasn’t stable, and I wasn’t happy. I know how to act happy, so no one sees my feelings, but I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I haven’t actually been happy until after going on my medication and being in therapy. I’m excepting this side of me instead of denying its existence. I know I have a mental illness, and I’m not afraid to admit it anymore like I used to be. I was scared of being judged and ridiculed, but now I just frankly don’t give a fuck! I’ll wear a sign that says I’m a crazy bitch, and I really don’t care what people think. I’m so sick and fucking tired of the stigma around it. OMG being on dating sites and telling someone about it is the most fucking comical shit you can see. I want to be upfront about it to see if they’re going to be judgemental about it. It tells me if they really want to understand it or if they’re going to hightail it the other direction because they basically heard me say, “I’m a fucking psycho! Date me!” So yeah, LOL. Am I amused about it? Yes! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐LOL.

Anyways, I’m learning to live my life the way everyone else has. I’m not saying I don’t remember anything; I just remember good things. The only bad things are the ones I haven’t been able to push out of my head. The ones I obsess about, like anyone with BPD. We tend to obsess over the shit, either extremely stupid or massive. We remember our emotional heartbreaks and our emotional happiness because we feel it so intensely. People don’t understand the intensity of our emotions. There’s no between with us. We either feel everything to the extreme or nothing at all.

One of the other things that have helped me is writing. I write because of Selynda. She got me into reading then into the idea of writing more seriously. Yeah, I wrote a few poems as a kid, but I didn’t really start writing more than that until she. We used to stay up all night and just write stories. Or we do games of each of us say a sentence and the other adds to it with a new sentence making a short story. It’s why I always say my hamster fell off its wheel now, lol. We literally had a story about that. I enjoy being creative with writing, and I enjoy learning, and it’s because of her. I haven’t lived like she has, but I’m trying to live my life. I started that when I started therapy than going to school. I’m going to keep going to school and getting the degrees I want. I’m going to open my business. I’m going to pray for my family’s happiness and health every day like I have been since a child.

I love everyone more than they know. I look up to you guys more than you know because you know more than I do when I comes to living life. Understand I don’t know what it means to really live my life in reality to the fullest. But I’m trying. I love you, I hope you have a blessed day! ٩(*❛⊰❛)~❤

Understand me

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Many people hear BPD and don’t think anything about it or automatically think the person is “crazy.” What we really are is scared; rejection more than anything, and subsequently, we will sabotage the relationship because, in our minds, we don’t deserve it. We either don’t feel deserving of it, or that person will leave like all the rest, so why not speed up the process? That’s what goes through our minds, especially when meeting new people. It’s hard for us to trust people because we have trusted it’s been shattered beyond repair. Going into new relationships is terrifying for someone with a personality disorder. Giving someone all our trust right out of the gate is unrealistic for us mentally. It’s why when I went on dating apps recently, I was very upfront about having BPD. I wanted them to know what they were going to have to deal with in a relationship. Also, see if they didn’t know about it if they would actually take the time to learn about it so they could understand how things work in my mind.

Atlas, I’ve decided to give up on that; if someone wants to be with me, they’ll make the fucking effort. I’m not going to fight to have anyone in my life. I’m so fucking tired of fighting! For now, if it happens, great! If a man isn’t willing to work to be with me and educate himself about me, I’m better off alone. I deserve compassion and understanding. I’m learning how to control my mind, and people don’t understand that. I’ve had a challenging time allowing people to be part of my life romantically. I’ve always been treated like a fool. I’m tired of it. I’ll be damned if it fucking happens again! All my relationships have been the same, and I want something different. I don’t want to keep repeating the same fucking pattern over and over; otherwise, nothing will ever change. I think these pictures best sum up how I am as a person with this disorder. but this is just a scratch of the surface. These are the reasons I demand communication so damn much in my relationships, so I don’t fucking erratically spiral out of fucking control.

I’m not stupid.

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I don’t know how many people know how it feels to be treated like they’re stupid. Like they’re a complete idiot their whole life, and when that person is treated that way starts getting pissed about it, they’re invalidated and told they’re crazy. Fucking story of my life, especially with men.

I’ve always been treated like an idiot, even by teachers growing up. I would ask for help, and they would tell me it’s not that hard to figure out and then tell me the answers. I was constantly invalidated when it came to my intelligence. It’s the reason I’ve always been so self-conscious of it, and I’ve never really spoken up when I knew something. I was better off in my fantasy world, where no one told me I was stupid and incompetent. People don’t understand why I went into a fantasy world all these years and why it’s so hard for me to face reality as it is. I’ve been in a marriage with a man I thought I knew but really don’t. I’ve been manipulated and emotionally abused and, yes, even hit physically in a past relationship.

But WHY, have I always been the crazy one?

By telling someone, they don’t know something or ignoring their questions to better understand things is extremely invalidating. It shows that they really don’t care to help you understand things or help you to learn things. It shows how judgmental a person is towards other people when someone says things they don’t agree with or piss them off. It makes me wonder how much that person really respects and values the person they’re talking to? Do they value the relationship as a whole or only their own wants and needs? Are they willing to learn about what it means to have a mental illness? There are so many questions I have that haven’t been answered. I mean, if you have a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, no matter what it is, fucking educate yourself on it! Because all you end up doing is causing their mental illness to go into an erratic spiral out of control! I mean fucking seriously, if that person can’t educate themself on the mental illness involved in the relationship, they shouldn’t ever make any promises to be understanding about it. They should NOT use it as a way to say you are crazy, and this is all that it is. Instead of providing answers to the questions, said, “CRAZY” is fucking asking!

Why is it too much to ask to have a man who listens, communicates, is willing to learn anything and everything, wants me in their life no matter what? Why is my perfect man only a dream? Fuck, I start crying at the thought of the only man who will actually care about me as a whole is nothing more than a dream. I mean I know there’s someone out there, just where?

Here’s my fantasy man lol:

I want to talk about him now,

Nickolias DelricVon – He’s a sweet man but also a man who knows hardship. He didn’t have things handed to him, and he knew the value of hard work. He’s a teacher and has taught people of all ages, but his favorite to teach is middle school kids because he loved to see them learn something and realize they could actually do it. He didn’t think all kids learned the same, and if a kid struggling with their work, he would sit with them until they found a way for them to understand the work. He has 2 Ph.D.’s, one in History and one in Linguistics. He’s a recovered alcoholic and strives every day to better himself, so he won’t slip back into it. He understands what it means to have emotional dysregulation and strives to understand it and better himself. He always wants to learn. If he doesn’t know something, he will go, “Damn it! I’m going to do everything I can to know about this if it’s the last thing I do!” But most importantly, he’s understanding of me and does everything not to invalidate me.

He can sing because his best friend’s dad is an air elemental and said, “If you’re going to sing around me, you’re going to fucking learn how to do it!” lol. That’s Sky for ya. Sky also taught him how to play a stringed instrument I never gave a name to, along with a flute. Sky’s wife Sierra taught him how to dance to properly seduce a woman while with her son Kay lol. I love Sky and Sierra’s story; they’re so funny. He never learned to cook because the one time he did, he burned it so bad that his family just told him to stay away from the kitchen, lol. His adopted brother asked how he passed chemistry, too lol. He may have lost his father to murder, and his mother died after giving birth to him, but he loved and valued his family. I love that about him.

What does this man look like? He’s 6’5″ He has black hair speckled with white because its a birthmark. He has brown eye’s. Medium skin tone. His body is well defined, I mean not muscular but not fat, just well proportioned.

His father raised him alone when he was born until he was 11 because his uncle murdered his father, but he didn’t do it out of hate; he did it out of fear. His brother had to choose the life of his brother or his wife and daughters. Someone forced his hand. Nick watched the whole thing while hiding in a cupboard that his father shoved him into when his uncle rushed in. It was bloody, but somehow Jr. flew through the window confused but jumped up and stopped Nick’s uncle. He tied up his uncle and found Nick in the cupboard crying. Being Velenthian, he had a gift to communicate and control animals, and he grabbed Nick and ran out of the house, jumped on a beast I never gave a name to, but it looked like a cross between a horse and a lizard. Silly, I know. They ran to the Velenthian embassy where Jr.’s father was and told them of everything.

Nick had to be taken to an orphanage until placed. That’s where he stayed until 12. but he never forgot his father. His father taught him the value of education and to be compassionate to others. But at the same time, he was angry about everything happening. He lived with his godparents and was adopted by them but was never named a family member. Nick was given the best education because his father made sure there was everything in place for it. He wanted to feel closer to his father, so at 16, he learned to blacksmith and jewel craft the way his father did. Even followed his father’s last design for a ring he would’ve given his mother.

I know I said in another post about him going into slavery and that happened when he was 19. he went to propose to the girl he thought he loved and she just wanted to use him for her own gain. The Sand Kats that took him actually killed her after they escaped the lands and into the sands. They were attacked by the Carvarians but no one knew they were people because no one ever saw them in their human form. They were trying to stop them from taking Nick. He was held captive for 4 years and during that time his eyesight was messed up and almost completely blackened from the torture he endured. He has no memory of how he came home, but he knows he woke up feeling bedding and hearing his godmother’s voice. It took 2 surgeries to correct his vision for the most part, though, he still needed glasses for reading.

He got heavily into alcohol after his escape to the point he made it himself so he wouldn’t have to go out and buy it. It wasn’t until he ran out of alcohol and went to the bar instead of taking the time to make it; he had a flash back of being a slave. he attacked a man to the extreme. went to jail. During trial the King let the mans wife, who’s son was with her, ask him why he did it. Though, Nick didn’t give any clear answers, until, King Joyous walked over and had the 6 year old boy come over and look Nick in the face. And told the boy to ask his mothers question. he made Nick look this boy in the face and explain to him why he beat his father. It was an emotional thing for him to look at a child, a little boy, and tell him his father might die, and the reason. Nick saw his own face looking at the child. he was given life long probation so long as he never touched alcohol again, the moment he picked up the bottle he would go back.

He stayed sober, with the memory of that boys face in his mind. He lived through the torment of his memories for that boy. Because he would rather suffer than see another child suffer the way he did after he lost his father.

Nick is a man of compassion; he doesn’t think of himself. he thinks about others before himself because he rather suffer than see someone else suffer. So to not think about his past he buried himself in books. Went back to school got a second PH.D. and he does everything not to think about his pain so he won’t turn to alcohol. He’s the type of person who will try anything to learn how to better educate himself so he can be a better man.