Category: My Reality These Years

Creators of my world Skeliholm

August 6th, 2021

I know it’s been some time since I wrote anything on here. I’ve thrown myself into diamond painting and also writing down my world finally. I got the timeline of everything down and it’s slowly coming together.

My world does have a name lol it’s called Skeliholm!
I have it figured out to be at least five books in the series, but I keep remembering things that happened in the world. So, it might become longer 😆. It feels like it backfires though because writing it all down is everything I felt from my past. I’m slowly slipping back into that fantasy world, and it scares me. I’ve been trying so damn hard not to go there, but now I’m struggling to pull myself out of it and stay out. 😨
I’m also working on side projects that coincide with the story. Including a board game, a chili oil, a curry recipe, and if I can get the painting down, there will be pictures painted that the main character creates. Other things will go along with it, but those are the main things for the moment.
So far, I’ve primarily written dialogue and actions in the stories and haven’t added too many details of the happenings around the fantasy world. I mainly wanted to get the main events and actions down before worrying about the minor things. I did have to take a break from writing after going into Vasska’s mind, and I’m now going into the Sand Kats area, which is just as dark. It starts out fun and great but then… I don’t know how to word it now, except it’s intense for me mentally because I’m feeling the characters’ feelings while I write out their parts. I don’t know how else to write them without entering their minds.
I know most of you don’t know about all the sides to my mind. Well, believe it or not, I put names and faces with each side of my mind and it’s been the only way to really understand how and why I think the way I do. Now I’m going to add in what I wrote in my story when I introduced them.
“The bat, owl, dragon, hamster, rabbit, and the bastard of a goldfish’s honest thoughts!
Basically, I want to write down what I’m thinking when I go into my fantasy world. That fantasy world is run by a bat, an owl, dragon, a hamster (ringleader), a rabbit, and a bastard of a goldfish. Why didn’t I put the hamster first? Because I didn’t want to boost her inflated ego, otherwise she’d walk about like she owns this shit. Technically, she does, but let’s not tell her that.
Why do I put it as animals run my fantasy world? Because I’ve always referred to my brain as one with the Hamster center stage yelling at me what to do. She is the main one who controls my mental disorders and brought her weird-ass friends to coach me on how to deal with life.
Newsflash assholes! You fucked up. My therapist said so.
You’re probably wondering out of all of them who is deciding to spill all this. It’s an elusive squirrel who secretly is a double agent to all involved. I always said fear the squirrels for a reason, lol.
The squirrel is spilling everything and is giving the finger to the rest. Because she said, she’s the sanity of the bunch. My paranoia tells me it’s a lie but then again, why shouldn’t I trust her? She’s the reason I see a therapist once a week and told me the medications are a cocktail of happiness. I still am uncertain of that. Though she threatens to bring in the bat if I don’t take that cocktail, all hope would be gone. The bat thinks of herself as a hermit crab and doesn’t like people. So, we hide in the caves until the coast is clear, then we slip out unnoticed and do shit that makes people ask how something moved or got there.
So yeah, all of these fuckers are part of my mind; they all have a part to play.
The bat – Hates the light, sun, and anything that’s frilly girly and hides from the world because? People, ewe!
The owl – The nerd who tries to learn as much as she can about things but always ends up in obsession over said thing, and we get an abundance of useless information that nobody cares about. The owl is the reason I own so much makeup, colored pencils, diamond paintings, coloring books, and the list goes on…
The rabbit is the horny one of the bunch and is always the one that pushes my mind into the dirtiest of holes. Yes, she meant that in all ways, lol.
The goldfish tells me that I have to pay attention to everything shiny and makes noise but refuses to record it. She and owl get into many fights about record keeping.
The squirrel – tells me every logical thing and tells me that I can’t do shit about it. She’s the one that checks all facts and gets way too literal to the point we forget what sarcasm is. To where we try to be sarcastic but end up pissing off someone, and they think we’re serious. Fucking bitch!
Dragon – is the reason I struggle to let go of things and remembers all the past things that have gone wrong. She’s also the reason I get angry or irritated so easy. People are irritating and not to trust them if they resemble my past experiences. If it’s the person who did those acts that they are not to be trusted ever again.
And lastly, hamster – the ringleader. She is the reason I stuff my face every time things are stressful and tells me to buy shit impulsively, I don’t need. She’s a judgmental bitch, and tells me I’m an idiot, ugly, and everyone hates me, including the animals.
Hamster is the reason I have a fantasy world. I didn’t have friends, so she had the idea to create them. At least then we can say if they stay or go. We can give them a backstory, talk about their lives and live among them. That was supposed to last until I went to middle school because then, I’d have a friend or two, I’d be popular! But, no, we held on to them and their lives. Enslaving them to our minds and eventually becoming a slave to them.”
These characters are me in all; my therapist thinks I should make a new character to add to them so I can better accept changes happening in my life along with love and what not. These guys are who I am, and I can’t add a new character to my mind. They’re each side of my mentality and why I act the way I do at times. They’re not literal animals. They’re me in animal onesies that represent the animal they’re named after.
Anyways, I’m still on dating sites and some guys on there. They get so butthurt when I say how I felt about things that have been discussed between us. I wrote this on OneNote one night, and yeah, this is how I feel about it at times. Especially after meeting a couple of guys in person.
I’m not going to beg anyone to stay in my life. I did that for ten fucking years. I refuse to do it again, I’ll care about that person, but if they choose to leave, that’s on them. I don’t need them in my life, I want them in it, but I’m not going to demand them.
People always say you shouldn’t burn that bridge with that person 😒 you know what? I’ll grab a fucking can of kerosene and a box of matches. Light that shits on fire and roast a mother fucking marshmallow while I watch the person flip out that I’m cutting them out of my life.
If they choose to leave me, then I have every right to cut them the fuck out of my life! 🖕 I’m done crying over someone who doesn’t give a shit about me or my feelings. I’m tired of being nothing more than an achievement, amusement, & sex object. 🖕😤💯 �
So, I know some people will read this and think it’s about them; well, if the shoe fucking fits, sure, but the world doesn’t revolve around you and your inflated ego. So, you want it about you, then fine, but I can guarantee it’s not! 🖕
I know I was in emotional mind when I wrote that out. I wasn’t rationally thinking about other things or people I was talking with. I just got pissed after meeting up with someone, and they basically treated me exactly like my ex-husband. It pissed me off to no end, and I really felt like I should have charged the guy to meet up with me. 😒
I will say after that experience that I have considered just making an Only Fans because I feel like guys only want me for sex. Yes, I’m open to talking about it, and I don’t mind joking about it, but when it becomes the only thing, if all we are fucking talk about is sex, it gets on my nerves. Can’t we talk about something else that’s not sexual, or is that too much to ask?
I do have times when I talk to someone, and I know Rabbit grabs hold of the controls sometimes, and I just become a horny bitch who wants dick. Then the rest of them dog piles on top of her telling her not to meet up with guys just for that. I will admit she is convincing at times, especially when she makes me believe that’s all I’m good for. 😒 At times, she can be such a fucking bitch, but she knows how to make me believe that about myself. 😔🐰😩
Anyways, this is an introduction to the sides of my mind that I’ve never told anyone about. They’ve been hidden until now; I know many people will think I’m crazy, but whatever. 🤷
This reality sucks.

June 26th, 2021

It has been a few weeks since I have posted anything. It was not on purpose; I just had an extreme episode of depression that stopped me from doing many things.
So much has happened since my last posting. The first thing that happened was that I was scammed.
I started to write out something talking about determining who is trying to scam you out of money, but I forgot about what else a person could be scammed out of. So, this is what I wrote but did not post; I wrote this back in May. I have just had not been willing to write much about anything until now.
How to determine if the person you are talking to is a scammer.
Offering something too good to be true.
When something is too good to be true, it usually comes to people online that you do not know. Yes, they may show pictures of said “glorious gift,” but how do you know those are not friends working with them as accomplices? How do you know it is not fake images from someone else’s social media?
They always ask for some type of ID or SS ID. When they are denied, they will demand trust from you. Then, they will keep talking and twisting your words until you give in.
Scammers come in many forms, not just for money. They are charming, tearing down your walls. Sometimes they just want you for their ego. Until you are nothing but putty in the hands ready to do their bidding, anything to please them.
You end up allowing them in your heart even when you are the most cautious person. Something about them disarms you.
You are probably wondering why I am saying this; it is because I was scammed emotionally. I let my guard down, and I did not follow my usual precautions. I ended up allowing someone to pray on me because of it.
Ever since I found out, most people have just told me it was my fault. That I allowed myself to be put in that situation is victim-blaming at its finest. Nevertheless, I am struggling to accept the fact that it happened. I am getting to the point where I am scared to leave my house. I have been nothing but an emotional wreck since then.
I was scammed but not for money but my emotions. This guy charmed his way past my emotional barriers and took my heart and mind for granted. Most people hear scams and think someone is swindled out of money or possessions. But people scam us of our time and emotionally. We give our whole hearts and feelings to these people; then, like a bitch slap, you find out your only there to boost their egos.
I have been so cautious about being scammed financially that I forgot to be cautious with my heart and mind.
This is what I was scammed out of, my time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. It has caused me a great deal of emotional pain. I have also been worried about family during these times.
My Grandmother had to have lung surgery to remove a mass, and they tested it while she was on the operating table to check if it was cancerous. Unfortunately, it came back positive, they had to remove part of her lung, and it was difficult surgery.
The doctor asked my mother if she was from the south, such as Mississippi because that is the only place he is seen people with a lung that sticky. He struggled to separate the mass, her lung, and vital organs that took him longer than he wanted.
She also had other Lymph Nodes that he did not like the look of, so they took samples to test for cancer. They said if they came back positive, she would need another surgery. Thankfully, they came back negative, and she did not have to go through another surgery.
With the worry of my family’s health and someone taking me for a fool, I have started to slip back into disassociating from this reality. I have thrown myself into diamond painting to keep myself in the present. I have been going back into my Fantasy world, but I fought back at first. When my mind slipped, I messed up the picture several times. Finally, it got to the point where I decided to step back from diamond painting.
I have now decided to write out what happens through my mind when I disassociate from this reality into my Fantasy world. I have started with the latest one. I figured writing out who said what and what happened would only be a couple of thousand words. Boy, was I wrong… I am not even a quarter into it, and I am already at 11,502 words.
I remember all the events that have taken place in this Fantasy world. I plan to write them out; I may not remember exact words, but I do know everyone’s personalities like the back of my hand, and I know how they would respond. I know who what good at the time and who was bad. I remember everything that twisted these people and their minds. I listed out the events, and it is thirty-two so far, but I am sure there are more.
I had no plans to draft a book about all this but just to get it written out. Though things are going with what I am currently writing, it will become a book. The crazy part of it is, I have been just writing out dialogue and actions; I have not put very many details or descriptions into it. I just wanted to get the main parts down. I can get the details of looks, places, and expressions down later. But, for now, I just wanted it to be written out.
Though, I am uncertain if people would even want to read it, mainly because it is not just talking about the disassociation and what is happening during the time but also the mental commentary. It is the best way to describe my mind’s thought process because of my mental health. The commentary is not from me either, and it is from the different sides of my mind that I have named, Hamster, Owl, Batty, Squirrel, Goldie, Dragon, and Rabbit. These guys are all sides to my mind and my emotions.
In writing this, though, I see what I usually think when meeting people and how irritated I get when I perform specific actions and those routines are not completed. Writing this out is allowing me to see my mind from a different perspective. Because in this world, I am an outsider watching what is happening to me and those in this world. Yet, at the same time, they are happening to me in certain situations because I will make it where I am part of that world in certain events then pull myself out again. And all the while, I will do things in this world and not have any memories of them because my mind is more focused on recording the memories of my fantasy world. To my mind, that world is more interesting than this one.
The sarcasm in this one is very apparent, and I curse like a sailor in it. I’m not sure who I plan to show it to and If I will put everything as a book, but I just wanted to get things written down onto paper. Well, onto word here on the computer, sorry had to get technical.
It is a lonely road

April 21st, 2021

I have only been recently opening to what goes through my head and talking about what I think. I am coming to see how lonely it is to walk this road. Most people do not want to hear or talk about mental health disorders and how much they affect a person’s life. I am now talking about how much these disorders affect my day-to-day. I am opening to everyone, and I am currently finding that most people, especially at school, do not want to hear it. Almost as though I am using it as an excuse to fail shit. I am not doing that.

I do not purposefully dissociate on purpose to forget to work. I do not use having ADHD as an excuse not to retain the information that is being taught. They have never known how many medications I have been put on and taken off during my time there. I have had to deal with all those side effects and practice mindfulness every day.

Do you know I have to practice mindfulness every hour to keep my focus while doing homework? I must constantly practice my DBT skills every day just to do my homework and understand what I do.

That is not a small list! There are 28 different skills I must do all the time, and that is not including trying to practice other crap mentally!

I am not sure if people realize how much energy it takes to act normal and be normal. To not act up and make everyone freaking happy! People do not realize that is why I do not talk much or try to converse. I always say something that irritates or frustrates someone, and they think I am a complete bitch or a completely incompetent imbecile. Either way, someone is always not happy with me in the end because I always say something that pisses them off.

“You can’t please everyone.”

I am coming to understand the phrase now more than ever. I have spent my life worried about making people mad and doing everything to avoid it.

After going through therapy and realizing how much I lived my life around what others wanted me to do, I am now doing what I want. I am showing people what my thought process is like, and many people do not like it.

People never knew what my mind and reality were about day-to-day. They had no idea about me disassociating all the time, causing me not to have memories of things that have happened. The more stress I go through, the more risk I have of disassociating, which is a higher risk of memory loss of that time.

I must fight my mind to stay focused so I can remember everything. I journal all the time so that I have memories of those days. No one knows the guilt I feel when I do not remember things or the activities I did with someone.

I must feel intense emotions that day for it to imprint on my mind. So, I must be genuinely happy or unimaginably miserable when I am disassociating to remember that shit.
http://https://youtu.be/SSQxJFK38Eo
Now that video really goes into my mindset, and how much I’m struggling to figure things out. I’m working every day to do what I need to so I can be mindful and present. I don’t want everything to be erased from my mind due to disacociastiong. I have that there are black parts to my past because of it. Anyways, that’s it for this posting.

Category: My Reality These Years

Creators of my world Skeliholm

This reality sucks.

It is a lonely road