Category Archives: My Reality These Years

I’m not stupid.

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I don’t know how many people know how it feels to be treated like they’re stupid. Like they’re a complete idiot their whole life, and when that person is treated that way starts getting pissed about it, they’re invalidated and told they’re crazy. Fucking story of my life, especially with men.

I’ve always been treated like an idiot, even by teachers growing up. I would ask for help, and they would tell me it’s not that hard to figure out and then tell me the answers. I was constantly invalidated when it came to my intelligence. It’s the reason I’ve always been so self-conscious of it, and I’ve never really spoken up when I knew something. I was better off in my fantasy world, where no one told me I was stupid and incompetent. People don’t understand why I went into a fantasy world all these years and why it’s so hard for me to face reality as it is. I’ve been in a marriage with a man I thought I knew but really don’t. I’ve been manipulated and emotionally abused and, yes, even hit physically in a past relationship.

But WHY, have I always been the crazy one?

By telling someone, they don’t know something or ignoring their questions to better understand things is extremely invalidating. It shows that they really don’t care to help you understand things or help you to learn things. It shows how judgmental a person is towards other people when someone says things they don’t agree with or piss them off. It makes me wonder how much that person really respects and values the person they’re talking to? Do they value the relationship as a whole or only their own wants and needs? Are they willing to learn about what it means to have a mental illness? There are so many questions I have that haven’t been answered. I mean, if you have a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, no matter what it is, fucking educate yourself on it! Because all you end up doing is causing their mental illness to go into an erratic spiral out of control! I mean fucking seriously, if that person can’t educate themself on the mental illness involved in the relationship, they shouldn’t ever make any promises to be understanding about it. They should NOT use it as a way to say you are crazy, and this is all that it is. Instead of providing answers to the questions, said, “CRAZY” is fucking asking!

Why is it too much to ask to have a man who listens, communicates, is willing to learn anything and everything, wants me in their life no matter what? Why is my perfect man only a dream? Fuck, I start crying at the thought of the only man who will actually care about me as a whole is nothing more than a dream. I mean I know there’s someone out there, just where?

Here’s my fantasy man lol:

I want to talk about him now,

Nickolias DelricVon – He’s a sweet man but also a man who knows hardship. He didn’t have things handed to him, and he knew the value of hard work. He’s a teacher and has taught people of all ages, but his favorite to teach is middle school kids because he loved to see them learn something and realize they could actually do it. He didn’t think all kids learned the same, and if a kid struggling with their work, he would sit with them until they found a way for them to understand the work. He has 2 Ph.D.’s, one in History and one in Linguistics. He’s a recovered alcoholic and strives every day to better himself, so he won’t slip back into it. He understands what it means to have emotional dysregulation and strives to understand it and better himself. He always wants to learn. If he doesn’t know something, he will go, “Damn it! I’m going to do everything I can to know about this if it’s the last thing I do!” But most importantly, he’s understanding of me and does everything not to invalidate me.

He can sing because his best friend’s dad is an air elemental and said, “If you’re going to sing around me, you’re going to fucking learn how to do it!” lol. That’s Sky for ya. Sky also taught him how to play a stringed instrument I never gave a name to, along with a flute. Sky’s wife Sierra taught him how to dance to properly seduce a woman while with her son Kay lol. I love Sky and Sierra’s story; they’re so funny. He never learned to cook because the one time he did, he burned it so bad that his family just told him to stay away from the kitchen, lol. His adopted brother asked how he passed chemistry, too lol. He may have lost his father to murder, and his mother died after giving birth to him, but he loved and valued his family. I love that about him.

What does this man look like? He’s 6’5″ He has black hair speckled with white because its a birthmark. He has brown eye’s. Medium skin tone. His body is well defined, I mean not muscular but not fat, just well proportioned.

His father raised him alone when he was born until he was 11 because his uncle murdered his father, but he didn’t do it out of hate; he did it out of fear. His brother had to choose the life of his brother or his wife and daughters. Someone forced his hand. Nick watched the whole thing while hiding in a cupboard that his father shoved him into when his uncle rushed in. It was bloody, but somehow Jr. flew through the window confused but jumped up and stopped Nick’s uncle. He tied up his uncle and found Nick in the cupboard crying. Being Velenthian, he had a gift to communicate and control animals, and he grabbed Nick and ran out of the house, jumped on a beast I never gave a name to, but it looked like a cross between a horse and a lizard. Silly, I know. They ran to the Velenthian embassy where Jr.’s father was and told them of everything.

Nick had to be taken to an orphanage until placed. That’s where he stayed until 12. but he never forgot his father. His father taught him the value of education and to be compassionate to others. But at the same time, he was angry about everything happening. He lived with his godparents and was adopted by them but was never named a family member. Nick was given the best education because his father made sure there was everything in place for it. He wanted to feel closer to his father, so at 16, he learned to blacksmith and jewel craft the way his father did. Even followed his father’s last design for a ring he would’ve given his mother.

I know I said in another post about him going into slavery and that happened when he was 19. he went to propose to the girl he thought he loved and she just wanted to use him for her own gain. The Sand Kats that took him actually killed her after they escaped the lands and into the sands. They were attacked by the Carvarians but no one knew they were people because no one ever saw them in their human form. They were trying to stop them from taking Nick. He was held captive for 4 years and during that time his eyesight was messed up and almost completely blackened from the torture he endured. He has no memory of how he came home, but he knows he woke up feeling bedding and hearing his godmother’s voice. It took 2 surgeries to correct his vision for the most part, though, he still needed glasses for reading.

He got heavily into alcohol after his escape to the point he made it himself so he wouldn’t have to go out and buy it. It wasn’t until he ran out of alcohol and went to the bar instead of taking the time to make it; he had a flash back of being a slave. he attacked a man to the extreme. went to jail. During trial the King let the mans wife, who’s son was with her, ask him why he did it. Though, Nick didn’t give any clear answers, until, King Joyous walked over and had the 6 year old boy come over and look Nick in the face. And told the boy to ask his mothers question. he made Nick look this boy in the face and explain to him why he beat his father. It was an emotional thing for him to look at a child, a little boy, and tell him his father might die, and the reason. Nick saw his own face looking at the child. he was given life long probation so long as he never touched alcohol again, the moment he picked up the bottle he would go back.

He stayed sober, with the memory of that boys face in his mind. He lived through the torment of his memories for that boy. Because he would rather suffer than see another child suffer the way he did after he lost his father.

Nick is a man of compassion; he doesn’t think of himself. he thinks about others before himself because he rather suffer than see someone else suffer. So to not think about his past he buried himself in books. Went back to school got a second PH.D. and he does everything not to think about his pain so he won’t turn to alcohol. He’s the type of person who will try anything to learn how to better educate himself so he can be a better man.

Vasska The Mad King

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I want to start off, I don’t know how accurate some information is in this world; this is just how it plays out in my head and in my world. Please understand I know this is completely fiction. To understand Vasska a bit I want to explain the Zailainian race that I came up with.

Zailainian: This is actually the first face I came up with; they were the start of my world, so I’ve made more about them than most others. They’re a race of people who have the ability to harden their skin and sharpen their hair into thousands of blades. They’re unable to shapeshift, but they are very dangerous when it comes to fighting. They’re a very proud race with a very low context communication style. They value family bonds, and when those bonds are broken, they will seek them out elsewhere and create bonds, whether good or bad, with another family. Once they choose to be loyal to a family or person, it’s a lifetime commitment. They are formerly slavers, but that was abolished with King Vasska, but he only did that to favor the people. He was a cruel man who killed ruthlessly. (He was a very religious man, and I’ll get into their religion in another part). He would hunt down the Carvarians and kill them publicly by cutting their heart out while they were alive and awake. Their hearts were stored in the palace hidden in a locked room in the mines that are no longer worked. He would sacrifice his own people, saying that the gods were angry and required a sacrifice to right the wrong. They would be thrown off a cliff into a pool of ocean fenced off full of an animal looks like an electric eel with the appetite of a piranha, and they eat fast as a piranha. They’re blind, but they have an intense sense of smell like a great white shark. They are called Piscivorous Eels

The Island Of Purgatory: I do have people I’ve created who work here and sent here. I will eventually get into the details of this place and why it’s the jail of choice aside from the Grimical jail to send criminals’ worst. This is where all the criminals that commit the most heinous crimes are sent. It’s considered its own hell and worst than the Alcatraz island was. It’s in-closed and complicated to get to. Only a very experienced sailor or pilot can get to the area. Electrical instruments aren’t able to work in that area, so they have to rely on sight alone.

Religion is called: Pravá Viera – I’ll talk about this later… I want a post that goes in-depth about it, but to give you an idea, it has ideas from what I learned about Egyptian culture during Cleopatra’s time and when Aztecs sacrificed people and the pagan religion. Again what I have in this I have no idea where there is, or if there’s even accuracy, it’s just how my world turned into this one.

Valorous Skirmish: This is an honorable fight between two people, and the agreements they make before the fight starts must be honored, or they can be thrown in jail. Everyone always brings at least 2 or more witnesses to ensure that the right will be honored after. I’m certain all the WoW nerds reading this will know where I got this idea from LOL (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ~YESSS. #nerd (/◕ヮ◕)/ (^o^) (✿◠‿◠)

I will reference these again in the future when I talk about other people and scenes.

Let’s start with King  Vasska, Known as Vasska The Mad King.

King Vasska Ulrick- Deceased- died at 54 years old. While trying to kill a boy in a sacrifice, the cliff gave way, and he fell into the pool of Piscivorous Eels’s. Prince Scrapptious’s, Lord Tobias’s, and Lord Taifa’s father.

Queen Sveta Ulric- Deceased- Died at 44 years old. Prince Scrapptious’s, Lord Tobias’s, and Lord Taifa’s mother. Yes, she was a child bride.

He was a mad man, and his wife Sveta had Stockholm syndrome. Vasska was extremely religious, but their religion wasn’t a religion known here on earth; I made it up; it was called Pravá Viera, which translates to true faith. This religion only sacrificed a small animal, and that was only during the change of seasons. Vasska twisted it; he thought their god had spoken to him and that the crops were failing in the lands because the gods weren’t getting a grand enough sacrifice. At first, it was larger animals, but it wasn’t long until animals turned to people. He started to make a sacrifice a day. Then it turned into a couple a day; eventually, the people feared for their own lives because they didn’t know if they did something that he or his followers didn’t like, they would kill them and say it was nothing more than a sacrifice, the person was then absolved of the crime. Vasska would say that is a justified answer, even if they didn’t have evidence. Eventually, it became a ritual to gather those marked as sinners by his religious police; they were marched up to the temple that stood on a cliff. At the top of the cliff was a temple that overlooked the ocean. At the bottom of the cliff, Vasska had the water closed off and filled with Piscivorous Eels of an animal that looks like an electric eel with the appetite of a piranha, and they eat fast as a piranha. They’re blind, but they have an intense sense of smell like a great white shark. These people hand their hands bound until right before they were pushed off the cliff. Men, women,  and children were all thrown into this pool by Vasska himself. He would laugh like that of a mad man and enjoy every moment of hearing their screams and cries. His wife Sveta would just stand there emotionless as though she was bored.; and no one was off-limits either. He did have two kids that were only 6, twin boys, that he threw into the pools for “sinning” against their god.

When Sveta had her 3 sons (triplets), Tobias, Taifa, and Prince Scrapptious, she convinced Vasska to send them to the temple to the north when they were only 5 could learn the proper way to follow the texts and serve God.

That is where the three of them met Remus and his brother and parents. But I’m not going to go into their story yet; I want to continue with Vasska.

Vasska ruled for quite a few years; his rule wasn’t short; it was 42 years Scrapptious didn’t take the throne until 34 years old. When his twin boy Joyous and Girl Star were barely 5. They had to be born in hiding because of Vasska; when Scrapptious’s wife Synova got pregnant 2 1/2 years before Vasska beat her until she miscarried because she wasn’t wearing the proper clothes during the proper day; for the certain holy texts that were to be read. As I said, he was a madman. They stayed in hiding until Vasska’s and his wife Sveta’s death; their death was also ironic. They were making their traditional sacrifice; that day, Vasska went after his own nephew because he yawned and looked down during the texts’ reading. Vasska rushed over and grabbed Tonga. Tonga struggled to free himself and ended up using his hair to cut Vasska; right then, the cliff gave way, and Vasska fell down into the pool of Piscivorous Eels’s. Standing there horrified, Sveta ran and jumped off the cliff after her husband into the pool. The priests looked at Tonga and said this was God’s way of saying he is to be spared, that he is chosen and that the sacrifices are to end with King Vasska and Queen Sveta’s death.

There is so much more that happens with Vasska and during his ruling. He killed thousands of people, and sacrifices weren’t his only method of choice. He tortured and brutalized his people; just a complete monster. His excuse for everything was it was in the name of god. That was his way of rationalizing murder. I know everyone will probably want more about this Vasska The Mad King, but this is the basic rundown of what he was known for in my world.

There’s a part that happened with Remus and Nick running into Vasska and his hunting party in the woods. Nick risk’s his own life to save a boy’s life from being killed by Vasska. I want to save that for when I talk about Arvarian who is the Clan leader to the Carvarians. For now let’s leave it here, since Vasska The Mad King was chosen I’ll start with the Zailainian race and let you know about them in my world first. Enjoy!

Trust me if I understood and knew how to come up with languages I would have different languages for each race (͡o‿O͡).

Life Update, Sorry it has been so long.

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I know it’s been awhile since I posted on here.

Most of you know, and some don’t; I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been going through therapy since 2018, and I’ve been on medications for it since 2014. I have learned a great deal about my mental health and what healthy relationships and boundaries are because of it. I’ve also learned to radically accept things that I can’t change. It’s actually a skill taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s the therapy I started back in 2018. I was put in Intensive Outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I had a weekly private therapy session for an hour—a Weekly group session for 3 hours. Then a supplemental class every 6 weeks for 3 hours a day every week. I did this for a full year. It’s during this therapy I learned what I wanted and what made me happy the most. What I wanted to go for, how I wanted to live my life. That’s when I realized my dream job and why I wanted to go for it. And it’s because of my best friend, Cindy. I’ll tell you why…

When we first met, I was 16, we were in high school. We both didn’t really have a lot of money, but that didn’t stop us from hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. She lived close to downtown by the riverfront. We would walk to the park all the time and just goof around and take pictures if she could get a disposable camera. Eventually, we started going into Nordstroms and trying on the clothes and just having fun, taking pictures. After we would go to the library and look at books. I can’t remember if I had a library card or if we just used hers, but we would check out a book and just go back to her house and read. We always would go to the library, and I realized how much I loved it. I realized how much a genuine friend can be with her. I wanted to be a chef in high school but decided I didn’t want that intense of a life. Then I wasn’t sure what I wanted after my mental health took a turn. I love to bake. I would love to own a patisserie with pastries from around the world and serve coffees and teas. I know I don’t need a degree as a librarian to open a bookstore/patisserie; I’m getting that degree because I want to know that knowledge and the dream of having that job. My other dream job is owning a Patisserie, a bookstore called Witches Candy House, based on the Grimm Tale of Hansel and Gretel. I want it to be a place of acceptance and happiness. If a kid comes in wearing a costume, they get a free treat or book of their choice. It’s my dream, and I’m working towards it! Because my best friend Cindy showed me what it feels like to be Happy and accepted all the time. She’s a woman I admire alongside my mother. I don’t know if she knows how much of a strong woman she is, but she is; God knew what he was doing when he made her and her family. When he put me in the path of the people I’ve met to this point. They have no idea how much they’ve impacted my life. Even if I wasn’t all there until after 2018. I should explain what I mean by that.

Many don’t know this, but I made up a fantasy world since I was 10 years old. At that age, I would just escape to it because I was alone and didn’t have anyone to talk to. So, I made up a place of fantasy; eventually, that fantasy became my reality. I didn’t really acknowledge reality as it was until 2018. I never wrote down my world; I’ve never shared my world with anyone. Though, I’m going to change that. I’m ready to write it down. In my world, I’ve created people, places, races, and histories. In this world, I had friends and a dream man. Who wasn’t royalty? He was a teacher and strived for knowledge; his name was Nickolias DelricVon. His father Remus raised him alone because his mother died after giving birth to him. Nick’s father came from an impoverished life, where Remus’s own father had to work at a temple in exchange for food and shelter. Remus’s mother would make clothes from the scraps of cloth the priests threw away. Remus and his brothers were given enough education so they could read the holy texts while there. But Remus persevered and continued his education, becoming a great jeweler and scientist. He valued education and made sure Nick understood the value of it. After Remus’s death, Nick was adopted by his godfather at 12 but to remember his father, he strives for an education. He was a good man who went through so much, from the woman he wanted to marry selling him as a slave and after escaping slavery became an alcoholic then getting sober. There’s so much to this world I want to talk about, and when I told mom about the people and places, she demanded a book series, lol. This has been my reality for so long, and I wanted to keep it private because it was my world. But, I’m doing everything not to escape to that world. I want to be in the present moment and in reality. I want to write it down not only for people to know what I’ve been seeing and experiencing mentally because of this world but as a way to close that door.

A lot of people read that Brandon and I have split up. I found out he was asking other girls for sex from one of his friends. He admitted to compulsively lying to me throughout the entire relationship. Also, our marriage was an achievement he wanted his family to acknowledge, so basically, I was just a fucking prize. He told me he’s been wanting a divorce for quite some time. When I asked him why he didn’t ask for one while we were in marriage counseling (for him cheating on me), he said he didn’t want me to hate him or stop talking to him. How narcissistic is that? That he went to culinary school to further his career and wanted a divorce because he knew I wouldn’t move out of state. He never talked to me why and if he did, he wouldn’t listen to my reasons. So, he put his “career” on “hold” for us. He was just avoiding the enviable and didn’t want to be the fucking bad guy asking for a divorce; he fucking left it to me( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮! I can’t tell you, hot fucking pissed I’ve been with him. After I found out all this, he thought we were going to stay together, and I basically had to say, “Guess what bitch! No! You’re moving out, and we’re getting a fucking divorce!” I’m so fucking done with him( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮!

Anyways, I thought everyone would like to know why we split up since I haven’t really been on Facebook or anything in awhile. I want to get back into writing down many things, and I have been. I just haven’t been uploading it to here like I used to. I’m being mindful about things and thinking things through. I do want to try and keep everyone updated; I’m just going through a lot emotionally.