People without a mental illness don’t understand or care that communication is essential for emotional stability. Especially for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, we feel things so much more intensely than the average person. Being rejected, ridiculed, or invalidated is as painful as being physically hit. It’s why most will self-harm because physical pain is more straightforward to cope with than emotional.
Our minds will fixate on things, especially if it involves those three things. One word, rejection, invalidation becomes a massive part of our thought process involving that person.
I hate how much my mind fixates on things…
I’m sure people are getting tired of hearing about the sides to my mind, but seriously, I’ve hidden them for years, and I’m tired of not talking. I guess I’ll walk the lonely road of being labeled crazy, psycho, undeserving.
My mind is currently at war with itself; I’m fighting Hamster and Battie. They’re telling me they were right. I’m disgusting, ugly, unworthy, and everyone hates me. They’ve been telling me since last night I’m not worth anyone’s time or attention, and it’s getting hard to tell them otherwise.
Rabbit is telling me the only thing I’m good for is sex because who the fuck would want to be with a crazy disgusting, ugly POS?
I know there are going to be a lot of people who argue that…
But this is how my mind works, for fucks sake!
I’m arguing with my mind, fighting that verbal battle. Lately, it feels like I’m losing…
I’m getting close to pushing people away and going back to being a recluse.
Now back to why communication is so fucking vital…
I need to have very transparent communication with people, so I have the fucking facts to shut up those fucking assholes in my head! I don’t nag for clarification to be annoying or a bitch; it’s to shut them up!
Fuck! I wish I could show people how painful it is to fight with my mind every fucking day!
It’s why I’ve been so transparent about having Borderline Personality Disorder, among others. I need to be around people willing to help me so I don’t spiral out of fucking control. People who are willing to talk about my mental health without judgment. Finding that has been nothing short of searching for a unicorn.
Why is searching for someone who understands, is patient, and willing to learn about my mental health so hard? Oh yeah…
There’s a stigma around it.
Maybe I should reside to being the crazy animal lady? I know it goes “cat lady,” but I like more than just cats, so deal with it.
Finding someone willing to help me stay sane and think clearly will be a mythical quest to finding any mythical creature from the centuries.
I’m feeling empty and tired, but it’s not the physical tired…
It’s mentally, so that sleeping won’t cut it.
I’m so fucking tired.
I’m not going to end my life for those who are now worried because I couldn’t inflict that pain onto my family and friends. Their pain means more to me than my own.
So, I’ll sit here in emotional pain until the reaper takes me naturally.
I can only hope it’s Lydia from my world.