Life Update, Sorry it has been so long.

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I know it’s been awhile since I posted on here.

Most of you know, and some don’t; I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been going through therapy since 2018, and I’ve been on medications for it since 2014. I have learned a great deal about my mental health and what healthy relationships and boundaries are because of it. I’ve also learned to radically accept things that I can’t change. It’s actually a skill taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s the therapy I started back in 2018. I was put in Intensive Outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I had a weekly private therapy session for an hour—a Weekly group session for 3 hours. Then a supplemental class every 6 weeks for 3 hours a day every week. I did this for a full year. It’s during this therapy I learned what I wanted and what made me happy the most. What I wanted to go for, how I wanted to live my life. That’s when I realized my dream job and why I wanted to go for it. And it’s because of my best friend, Cindy. I’ll tell you why…

When we first met, I was 16, we were in high school. We both didn’t really have a lot of money, but that didn’t stop us from hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. She lived close to downtown by the riverfront. We would walk to the park all the time and just goof around and take pictures if she could get a disposable camera. Eventually, we started going into Nordstroms and trying on the clothes and just having fun, taking pictures. After we would go to the library and look at books. I can’t remember if I had a library card or if we just used hers, but we would check out a book and just go back to her house and read. We always would go to the library, and I realized how much I loved it. I realized how much a genuine friend can be with her. I wanted to be a chef in high school but decided I didn’t want that intense of a life. Then I wasn’t sure what I wanted after my mental health took a turn. I love to bake. I would love to own a patisserie with pastries from around the world and serve coffees and teas. I know I don’t need a degree as a librarian to open a bookstore/patisserie; I’m getting that degree because I want to know that knowledge and the dream of having that job. My other dream job is owning a Patisserie, a bookstore called Witches Candy House, based on the Grimm Tale of Hansel and Gretel. I want it to be a place of acceptance and happiness. If a kid comes in wearing a costume, they get a free treat or book of their choice. It’s my dream, and I’m working towards it! Because my best friend Cindy showed me what it feels like to be Happy and accepted all the time. She’s a woman I admire alongside my mother. I don’t know if she knows how much of a strong woman she is, but she is; God knew what he was doing when he made her and her family. When he put me in the path of the people I’ve met to this point. They have no idea how much they’ve impacted my life. Even if I wasn’t all there until after 2018. I should explain what I mean by that.

Many don’t know this, but I made up a fantasy world since I was 10 years old. At that age, I would just escape to it because I was alone and didn’t have anyone to talk to. So, I made up a place of fantasy; eventually, that fantasy became my reality. I didn’t really acknowledge reality as it was until 2018. I never wrote down my world; I’ve never shared my world with anyone. Though, I’m going to change that. I’m ready to write it down. In my world, I’ve created people, places, races, and histories. In this world, I had friends and a dream man. Who wasn’t royalty? He was a teacher and strived for knowledge; his name was Nickolias DelricVon. His father Remus raised him alone because his mother died after giving birth to him. Nick’s father came from an impoverished life, where Remus’s own father had to work at a temple in exchange for food and shelter. Remus’s mother would make clothes from the scraps of cloth the priests threw away. Remus and his brothers were given enough education so they could read the holy texts while there. But Remus persevered and continued his education, becoming a great jeweler and scientist. He valued education and made sure Nick understood the value of it. After Remus’s death, Nick was adopted by his godfather at 12 but to remember his father, he strives for an education. He was a good man who went through so much, from the woman he wanted to marry selling him as a slave and after escaping slavery became an alcoholic then getting sober. There’s so much to this world I want to talk about, and when I told mom about the people and places, she demanded a book series, lol. This has been my reality for so long, and I wanted to keep it private because it was my world. But, I’m doing everything not to escape to that world. I want to be in the present moment and in reality. I want to write it down not only for people to know what I’ve been seeing and experiencing mentally because of this world but as a way to close that door.

A lot of people read that Brandon and I have split up. I found out he was asking other girls for sex from one of his friends. He admitted to compulsively lying to me throughout the entire relationship. Also, our marriage was an achievement he wanted his family to acknowledge, so basically, I was just a fucking prize. He told me he’s been wanting a divorce for quite some time. When I asked him why he didn’t ask for one while we were in marriage counseling (for him cheating on me), he said he didn’t want me to hate him or stop talking to him. How narcissistic is that? That he went to culinary school to further his career and wanted a divorce because he knew I wouldn’t move out of state. He never talked to me why and if he did, he wouldn’t listen to my reasons. So, he put his “career” on “hold” for us. He was just avoiding the enviable and didn’t want to be the fucking bad guy asking for a divorce; he fucking left it to me( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮! I can’t tell you, hot fucking pissed I’ve been with him. After I found out all this, he thought we were going to stay together, and I basically had to say, “Guess what bitch! No! You’re moving out, and we’re getting a fucking divorce!” I’m so fucking done with him( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮!

Anyways, I thought everyone would like to know why we split up since I haven’t really been on Facebook or anything in awhile. I want to get back into writing down many things, and I have been. I just haven’t been uploading it to here like I used to. I’m being mindful about things and thinking things through. I do want to try and keep everyone updated; I’m just going through a lot emotionally.

Shouldn’t be allowed a credit card lol

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I hope everyone is doing well. I’ve been mentally in a rut. I’ve tried writing on here many times and couldn’t think of what to write. The headaches don’t help.

Sunday was my dad’s birthday and we went to my brother’s for dinner and gave him his gifts which were just gift cards.

I got myself a birthday present a new camera. It’s a Canon EOS Rebel T6 1300D. I love it! I really wanted a new camera to take pictures with. It was on sale at Kohls. It was $800 originally and I got it for $400. I really shouldn’t have a credit card lol.

Here’s some pictures it’s taken…

Yes I know our house is a mess.

I want to take more photos. I’d really like to go to Manito Park and take pictures just to take. I’d also like to vlog with the camera. I really want to make video’s. I want to make memories for my family and that’s why I want to vlog. Even if I don’t upload it to YouTube I want to have those memories.

I want to learn to cross-stitch so I got some hoops and thread to practice. I figure I can cross-stitch on fabric squares and put it together on a quilt.

I already have fabric squares cut out that I can practice on. I also ordered what I need to make patches. I want to make my own so I don’t have to order them online. It adds up getting them. Also I’d be able to do what ever picture I want for a patch.

I went to Kohls and I ended up getting another jean jacket. It was originally $60 and I got it for $3.15. I was shocked that it was so cheap and my size. I’ll need to dye it along with my other one. So now I have 3 jean jackets. I’m planning on putting patches on all of them lol.

I stopped taking that new medication. I was having headaches every day that would turn into migraines. I also just felt like crying all the time. I couldn’t stand it so I stopped taking it and I’m going to talk to my doctor about trying something else. My school work suffered because of it. I’m doing just what I need to and that’s it. I was not doing it while taking that medication. I talked to one of my teachers and she told me to work on me and not to worry about school. I’m still going to do my tests in that class but that’s it. I’m trying so I don’t fail this quarter. I think I might just scrape by with my grades.

I got the patches on the back of my coat and buttons on the front and collar. Here’s what it looks like so far.

The cat is on both of the sleeves.

I still want to add more patches to it. I’m really liking how it’s turning out. It’s me and my personality on a jacket lol.

I’ve been hooked to watching Dr. Pol on Disney+. I like watching a show that’s not about drama and actually helps people understand the reality of having animals. What things could and do happen with animals. When I’m not watching movies I’m watching that. There’s 16 seasons and we’ve watched it once and we’re almost done watching it a second time lol.

I’ve been putting job applications in everywhere I can think of. I don’t think people want to hire someone who has almost no experience with working. I got approved for work study again. So, hopefully they allow me to stay at the library. I’m sure Karen will let me come back and work there. But I also need another job for bills here at home sense Brandon is leaving for New York this fall. Maybe I should apply at Zips and see if they’ll hire me.

I only have about a week left of school then 2 weeks off. I’ll start back up on July 1. I got math and P.E. to do for the summer. So far I’m passing my math class. I struggled with it due to my depression becoming intense and switching my medications. I had a lot of emotional issues due to the change in my medications. I stopped one and I feel better. My doctor is putting me on something else to try. I hope I don’t get severe migraines. I guess we’ll see what happens after I start them.

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We went to Walmart and got a few things that we needed. I still can’t believe that Julie did that for me. I hope one day I can repay them for their kindness.

I saw this patch and I had to have it for my jacket.

These are little buttons that I plan on putting on my jean jacket. I thought they’d look cute on the jacket. I need to dye the jacket still. I have some other buttons that I got for it and I can’t remember where I put them lol. I’ll look around for them tomorrow.

I found the other buttons I want to put on my jacket.

I got some fabric that I want to use for a blanket and one I want to put on a skirt. I was so excited when I saw the fabric with the ASL alphabet. That is going to be a nice lap blanket. The black lace is going towards a skirt. I’m going to cut the kitty one up and put it towards a quilt. The green is also for a skirt.

I got this septum ring recently and I really like it. It’s a little bat. I would’ve took a picture after getting it but I put it in my nose already and didn’t feel like taking a picture of my nose lol.

I’ve been dealing with a migraine for the past few days. I seem to wake up with it and it doesn’t go away. I don’t know if it’s because of the new meds or what. I just know it’s making it difficult to think and do stuff.

I’m thinking of doing YouTube video’s. Probably do makeup and lifestyle video’s. I doubt anyone outside of my family would watch but it’s a nice thought to have. I’d be happy with just 50 subscribers. I’m trying to think of things I can do that would make me happy. I enjoy watching makeup and lifestyle video’s so why not do my own. I considered doing vlogs but I don’t have enough of a life to do that lol. I think just doing video’s talking about life and what not would be good enough.

I guess I’ll continue to talk about random things. My birthday is this month. I’m going to be 33. I don’t know what to do for my birthday. I was thinking of maybe doing a BBQ but I’m not sure. I don’t know what I want for my birthday. I mean I have a list on amazon of birthday wants.