Category: life

I’ve been dealing with a lot.

March 27th, 2021

I want to do a post reflecting on what’s happened this year thus far.

I want to start by saying I’ve changed a lot. I’m not the same person I was six months ago. When I found out about Brandon lying to me, our entire relationship being nothing more than an achievement, and he didn’t want to ask for a divorce because he didn’t want me to hate him or stop talking to him. 6 months ago, I would have flipped out so bad I would’ve probably hurt myself more than just starving myself for almost two months until I kicked him out.

When I took the course Prevention of Sexual Harassment through SCC, it talks about it not only happening from strangers but in your relationships. This course made me realize how much I felt obligated to be sexual. We stopped having sex at the beginning of 2019. That’s because it was five months after I started Intensive Outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy (IOP DBT). I learned what boundaries are and when they’re being violated. I learned that if I don’t feel comfortable doing something, that person has no right to make me feel guilty to do it. I started saying no in my marriage, and it was also after I found out about the one affair, I had no idea about the others.

When I confronted him in 2018, I cut myself, and I flipped out. I went berserk. This time though, I was calm, I yelled at times, but it was a matter of attitude. The times I yelled is when I realized he wanted the divorce for a long time. That he put his “career” on hold for us. You know what ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ! He’s been thinking about it for longer than I know. He should not have ever asked me to marry him.

But I’m different now. I’m calmer now, I’m gaining control of myself again; I’m processing things as best as I can. I’m still going to therapy every week. My therapist, all of them, has been extraordinary in helping me to understand things. I now take every chance I get to learn about my mental health. If my therapist recommends a book, I usually try and find it to read it. I’m constantly trying to understand myself and my own mind to stay in control of it.

I started school at the beginning of the year. I enrolled in English 236, which is a creative writing class. Humanities 101 and discusses what makes up humanities. Then Math 107 teaches financial math in society.

I absolutely LOVED English and Humanities! My teachers were amazing! Math, on the other hand, was a joke, really. We were basically expected to teach ourselves and were told to ask for help in discussions, which I did and wasn’t answered. I contacted the teacher at the beginning of the quarter and told her I was struggling; and told to seek out tutors. Her lectures were YouTube videos, okay. No problem with that, except when I did the work, and I got the correct answers but didn’t show the work the way she wanted; she wouldn’t give me partial credit. Really???

I didn’t understand this material; I felt I was doing a scavenger hunt the whole time to learn the material. Last I checked, my tuition went to the teacher to teach us, not my peers. The only things she really did were post homework and grade assignments. Also, she posted announcements on how we had 90 minutes (about 1 and a half hours) to complete a test show every minute detailed step, and if we didn’t, it was marked completely wrong. I had time and a half because of DSS adjustments. But it was still not enough; I never finished my tests.

When we had a project to do, she released it. I started working on it then she released an announcement that it was changed. I had to change things. I struggled to do it. I worked on it every day. I had to do the math and show it how she wanted it, or it was marked wrong. I ended up having a full-blown meltdown over it. I turned it in incomplete. I wrote that I wasn’t sorry, and I was having a meltdown over it because I don’t understand it.

I didn’t stay in constant contact with her through the quarter, and that was because of what I was going through with Brandon. Also, our bank account got hacked, and my family having medical problems. I’ve been dealing with a lot emotionally, and I’ve been trying to keep my composure. I’m surprised I got the grades I did in my other classes. I wrote a letter to the teacher telling her I didn’t understand the material and I was guessing. I didn’t know I didn’t fully understand the material in the assigned book but never graded until after the exams. I was lost and confused. I wanted to know what I needed to do and explain why I haven’t asked for help outside of the family.

People don’t realize I have not had the best experiences with teachers growing up. As a kid, I don’t know if it was because I was in special education or what, but they always asked me to define a word they felt was beyond my understanding. A simple word like comprehension or absentmindedness; Yes, they’re big words, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what they mean. I got tired of it, so I stopped raising my hand. I stopped asking questions. I just stopped being a student while at school. My aunt had to fight with me to go back to school and enroll in high school.

When I went back to school, I had an 8th-grade education. I had to go through a program called ESD 101, and through it, they had me do an extensive amount of work. It was the last three months of my 11th-grade year when I was in it. I jumped from 8th-grade education to a college-level education in 3 months through this program. They waved all my credits to date, and I could go into my senior year and graduate on time. I ended up graduating with 1 ½ more credits than I needed. But I didn’t go to college. That’s when my mental health took a turn.

I became a recluse. I never left my house. I had panic attacks so severe that they appeared as seizures. I have borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, attention deficit hyperactive disorder, and binge eating disorder. These are the things I have been told I have.

I stopped living my life. I was merely surviving day today. It wasn’t until I was going through getting approved for Bariatric surgery that I had to go into therapy. That’s when I was put in IOP DBT. That’s when I took my life back. That’s when I took control of my life. That’s where I realized I could follow my dreams. I can have that dream job. I can succeed where others have told me that it’s too hard and I’d fail at it. I can do this!

My mother and father were enrolled back into school. They told me how amazing the teachers at Spokane Community College were. It was because of them I decided to go back to school. I want my dream degrees, and I will have my dream job eventually.

In my first quarter at SCC, I also had my Bariatric surgery too. I had surgery on a Thursday, and I was back to school on Monday. I didn’t let it slow me down. I kept going while I followed my doctor’s orders. I loved my first quarter! That summer, I got approved for work-study. I started work-study in the library in the fall, and I loved every minute of it. I don’t think anyone there knows about my love of the library and why it’s a comfort to be there.

Here’s a posting of why I love it so much:  http://lilswanbaby.com/2021/02/16/life-update-sorry-it-has-been-so-long/

Anyways, back to Math 107, I contacted the teacher before finals and told her why I didn’t stay in contact with her, how I was struggling emotionally because of my personal life. I wanted to know my options before the final of what I needed to do. Her response was, you seem to be going to a lot. I can refer you to a counselor. I felt so invalidated and unheard. I was angry and hurt. I wanted to cry when I read that. I didn’t even want to respond to her. Was there even a point?

I responded and said I see a licensed psychologist and professional therapist already; what can a school counselor do for me that they can’t already?

Her suggestion, I can still refer you to a counselor; they also have tutors in the library and resources. That may be an actual classroom setting that would be better suited for me.

I told her I know what the school has to offer; I was a work-study in the library last year. I know the resources there are. That I passed math when I took it online; The material was presented differently. We didn’t have to look to our peers for answers; That I go to school to learn from my teacher, not my peers. I didn’t have to do a scavenger hunt to learn the materials. Those classes had lectures, bookwork, MyMathLab, and the material was released at the beginning of the quarter for everyone to look at. I can do this work when presented and explain why something works and why it doesn’t.

I didn’t get a response from her. I ended up talking to the chair of the math department because I sent her a letter about this situation. She called me, and we talked for about an hour and 15 minutes. In a fancy way, I was told that because I didn’t stay in constant contact with Ms. about everything, I basically have no choice but to make the grade I have. That I must choose a class based on who teaches it; Why should any student have to choose a class based on who teaches it!? I mean, really. I should choose a class and say I don’t understand something, or when an entire class fails an exam that the teacher takes a step back and says, WTF happened here? But no, we were told to work harder.

Why isn’t it time to look at what is not working with a class at hand when everyone does poorly on an exam? WHY?

How am I supposed to know what is expected on an exam and what the teacher wants in a formula when they don’t give lectures? How am I supposed to know what they are looking for when we ask for help? Do they refer us to the book examples or the tutors? HOW?

While talking to the Chair of the math department, I had to concede that I would fail this class because I chose to take care of my mental health over pestering a teacher on how to be a teacher to her class. But no, I basically said I want her to acknowledge the first time a student has issues with the material and hear them. Not to tell them to work harder. I want a student to be heard when they don’t understand what is being presented.

I felt invalidated again. I feel hurt. I’m taking my classes next quarter and transferring to Spokane Falls. I’ll do my math there. I really don’t think they should tell a student to pick a class based on who teaches it. The teacher should have compassion and understanding for their students. I haven’t been able to pass a math class with the two math teachers taught in this manner. The only time I pass is with the one they said since I pass with her, I need to stick with her classes. It messed up; in my opinion, they tell us to choose a certain teacher.

I failed this math class with a 56.05 percent. And yet English, I got a 91.71 percent, and in humanities, I got a 94 percent. So, for them to tell me I should be in a classroom setting is not correct. I can do the work when explaining how and why things do and don’t work that I don’t have to wait until the next day for an answer if I get one.

I loved my other two classes, and I would do them with excitement. The other teachers I had are awesome at teaching. I learned so much in their classes, and their classes make me want to take more classes on creative writing and humanities. I was thinking about posting my final portfolio I did for English. I can’t tell you how happy I am with it. I loved my final for Humanities. I had to pick from a list of movies, and Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho was on there! I was so happy to do my paper on that!
Dating Sites and me

March 27th, 2021

(Now I’m reading this sometime after writing it, and it does make it sound like I’m playing games. It wasn’t intentional, I’ve just been through a lot, and I’m scared of it happening again. I won’t give my number out right away unless I feel genuine about who you are and what you want from me. I get really annoyed with using WhatsApp, so I don’t use it unless I have to. I want to make sure I’m with a man who can respect my decisions and not sit there and push me to what they want even if I say no. I shouldn’t have to go off on someone until they acknowledge my answer. Now back to your regular scheduled program!)

It’s only been recently that I’ve learned what boundaries are and what it means to have them in a relationship. Because to have healthy boundaries in a relationship shows you want respect for what and how you feel. When a person keeps pushing and violates those boundaries, they’re basically saying they don’t respect you or the relationship.

Since I’ve been dating again, I want to be in a relationship where those boundaries will be respected. So, I put boundaries in place. I don’t lie about things; I don’t jump into things like I used to. If I start talking to someone and ask for something, usually it’s my number, WhatsApp, or hangouts. If they ask for right off the bat, I usually say no. When they ask why I bluntly tell them I want to talk to them more before giving them. If they keep asking and pushing for it, I can see they don’t respect the fact that I said no. If they are willing to talk awhile before asking again and do it again, I might say yes. It just depends on how they talk to me and respond to me as we talk.

Everyone always asks, “What are you looking for on here?” I always respond with, “I’d like to find a long-term relationship.” I don’t expect to find a long-term relationship right away. But I want people to know I’m not looking to fuck around with any and everyone. When guys message me asking for sex, I ignore them. I won’t respond to someone who is just looking for a fuck. There’s an app for that, literally. I signed up, not knowing until I got on there and realized. I at once closed it.

I have had some interesting interactions since being on dating sites. I actually wrote quite a rant down, I’ll put it here for you if you want to get a kick out of it.

Warning, it’s a rant of a post!

This dating app shit has been interesting, to say the least. I’ve talked to several people when I was there. It’s so funny how they sat and asked for a serious relationship before realizing the intensity of BPD. Most said they understood. I would challenge that by asking them what they knew about it. Most would say they understood it. They wouldn’t give me a direct answer. So, I asked to have ever been around someone with it? Of course, the answer, “I can handle it,” like they had to be fucking macho about it. Many said they could handle it, and when I kept asking what they knew about it, they would finally answer not a whole lot. Bitch! Don’t sit there and say you can handle something you know jackshit about! Once the mood swings happened, they were like, don’t act so fucking crazy! Even if I warned them of what can trigger me. Then they used my BPD against me… assholes┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐!

One person had the audacity to say that I had a mental disorder because I was fucking fat! Are you fucking kidding me? He kept telling me that if I exercised, it would magically go away. I had to flat out tell him. It doesn’t fucking work like that! I exercised before I was on medication, and I still wanted to fucking kill myself! It wasn’t until medication and therapy that I stopped thinking about that shit! Then the jackass sat there trying to recommend that I handle my mental disorder he didn’t understand. I mean, really? You are not a fucking licensed physician. Don’t sit there and tell me how to handle my own fucking mental health! Oh, and according to him, if you don’t watch the news, your fucking lazy. He assumes I don’t watch it cause I’m lazy? Really? There’s a reason the first three letters of assuming spell out ass! I had to explain to him about having an anxiety disorder and a panic disorder that I don’t do to keep it from happening. But no. To him, I’m lazy. ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ.

Another person said they were in the military. Okay, cool! We were talking no problem. Then he wouldn’t answer any direct questions of mine. I got annoyed. Then he brought up the subject of money. Then said, “with you there, you could help me.” Sent a picture of his “account” that said a different name than what he told me and was on his uniform. He tried telling me it was his last name. Excuse me bitch! Your uniform said something else! I asked my family if they would do that, but a person’s middle name on their uniform instead of their last. Everyone said no. I asked him about that, and he avoided it like the plague. He wouldn’t answer me at all. Then tried to change the subject. I kept asking, and he didn’t answer. Then he asked for us to be in a serious relationship. I said no, I don’t trust him. I blocked him; he tried calling me. I didn’t answer. He made 2 fake accounts on the site and tried to talk to me. I’m not stupid… ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ. I even told him at the beginning of the conversation I have trust issues! I see what good that did… (¬_¬) I tell people I demand communication because of those issues and having BPD. The only time I don’t is if they have a ligament reason not to talk all the time but make a fucking effort to! ಠ_ರೃ. You know who you are…

Now, you know that I’ve been struggling mentally due to my separation and getting things together for divorce. I mentioned it to someone, and they told me because I don’t read the Bible every day and I believe in paganism which is evil gods. That is why I have a mental illness, and if I start reading the bible and following the true ways of God, I’ll be magically better. I can’t tell you how many times I smacked my fucking forehead while we talked!┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ. I kept telling him that’s not how a fucking mental illness works, and he wouldn’t listen to me. You know what? ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ. Others told me I have to be happy.

Then we have Dr. Dude! Great at first, then guess who finds his picture online? Yours truly! He lied about his name. Interesting… I messaged him asking about it and why he told me he deleted his Facebook page when I’m staring right at it with a different name? He tried telling me he didn’t want me to know or think about his professional life. Then asked me to block the page. He demanded, not asked, demanded trust. Not long after that, he asked me for a picture of my ID and SS card. I said no. He tried to manipulate me into saying I can’t sit there and think he’s out to get me and trying to get the information out of me. I said no, I don’t give out that information to anyone. I didn’t give it to my ex-husband for the longest time, which is not a lie. I don’t hand out that information. That wasn’t the only thing; he asked for the login information for our phone account. Then he asked me to get on a plane to meet him. When he wouldn’t even get on camera to talk to me when I said I wanted to talk on camera, he flat out said no, and he’d lose his job and he’s in America working on a cure for Covid the past 8 months and he’s not allowed to leave the facility. Okay, here’s the problem with that. The real Dr. Dude, posted on Instagram, January checking in, Mexico City, Mexico. All the pictures this dude sent me were from the real Dr. Dudes Facebook and Instagram. Kinda fucked up that he was pretending to be him, and the real one, from what I read, is a great guy and quite the humanitarian.

The thing is, the first guy I talked to wanted my phone account information, and before that demanded trust without ever being on camera. When someone isn’t willing to talk on camera or even show understanding that I won’t trust them unless we meet in person, he is a complete idiot. I mean, do they really think I’m going to fall for that. When I’m told to do something before meeting someone and to fully trust them as a demand. I’m not going to. You are basically triggering my BPD to the fullest. I have trust issues to the extreme, and people don’t realize that. When I tried to explain it to them, they would say they understand, but really, they wanted to say they did so I would shut up then do what they asked. They would do the exact same thing Brandon did to me when he wanted me to do something. I’m not falling for that BS anymore. I know what to look for. I know when I’m being manipulated. When you’re turning the situation around so I’m to blame, and you are no longer at fault or diverting the subject. You are trying to manipulate me.

Now that brings me back to boundaries. These people use manipulation to get past your boundaries. They will guilt you and coarse you into thinking you have no choice but to do it. When someone does this, they don’t respect you as a person; they only want what’s on their mind for themselves. They’re looking for you to confirm them and to feel guilty for confronting them or asking questions. They don’t want you to have control of the situation. It’s how they turn it, so they control the situation and the worse of you; in the end, that is emotional abuse.

Please think about all the times you didn’t want to do something, but they made you feel guilty for not doing it. They pressured you into doing it. They told you that if you didn’t, you didn’t love them, or you were acting like their ex or some other person. They are manipulating you to help them. Not you. They don’t care about your feelings. They may say they do, but really, they don’t. They want to control you and make sure you do what they want and say to go about doing whatever it is that they know will hurt you emotionally. They will sit there and break your boundaries again and again. That is why I’m using boundaries to test a man and how much he will respect me as a person and the relationship.
I just want to be heard.

March 24th, 2021

Now this isn’t a post to bash this teacher. I want it to be out there for people to see what is going on. I shouldn’t have to go to this just for things to be seen. I’m not putting names in.

This quarter at College has been the most intense so far. But not because of the typical stressors of school. Because I’m in a Math class and I have said all quarter I don’t understand the material. We were told to post in discussions for help to understand it. But when I did, I was never answered. I shouldn’t have to look to my peers for help on my work. I should be able to look to my teacher. The thing is, when someone said they were struggling to understand the work she told them to see the school tutors. We were given YouTube tutorials as lectures. That didn’t go Indepth about why something does and doesn’t work. She didn’t even tell the class about the video’s in MyMathLab on the Pearson Web site. I had to tell a fellow student about them along with the other media they supply on there. Why did I have to be the one to tell them and not her?

I have never asked for special treatment in this class only understanding. I don’t want to be treated in any special way. What I do want is for the teacher to actively listen to their students when they say they’re not understanding the material and how it’s being presented. Instead of pushing them aside and telling them to go to the tutors shouldn’t they sit with them and figure out what it is that’s not working? When the whole class bombs an exam and she tells everyone to retake it, isn’t that a sign to look at how the material is being presented?

This teacher today suggested that I shouldn’t take online courses and be in a classroom setting. There’s a problem with that; I was in a classroom setting for Math 87 and failed it. The teacher taught it almost the same way this teacher is teaching, what does that tell you? I retook the class online and it was presented with in-depth lectures, Bookwork that was being graded, this class had bookwork that wasn’t being graded but we were expected to do it. We had MyMathLab and we had the material laid out of what we were going to cover. The teacher would do private tutoring sessions with students to make sure they understood the work. When I met her in person, she said her main goal was to make sure we understood the material, yes, she wanted us to pass and she wasn’t going to make it easy, but she wanted us to understand it to the fullest.

I have never asked for special treatment. I have never asked for them to change my grades. The only thing I have asked for is to be heard when I said I don’t understand what is being taught to me. Why do I have to turn to my peers for answers? Why do I have to look for math websites for answers and not my teacher? Yes, I’m signed up with DSS. I haven’t been with them since being online because I haven’t had an issue with any of my teachers until now online. I felt I had no choice but to sign back up with them so I could have some understanding about my mental health. Though, I don’t think that’s helped. I still feel invalidated and unheard.

When I wrote this teacher, a letter expressing that I don’t understand the materials I put in there about my mental health, so she knew why I didn’t retake a test and why I have such a difficult time asking for help. This is the letter I sent to her.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I want to start by saying that I’m not asking for special treatment, just understanding. I am not angry, more frustrated.  I’m struggling to understand anything in this class. I’ve been watching the material and doing the work in the book. I know I’m supposed to post discussions on how to solve problems or the issues I’m having. But I don’t realize I’m doing things completely wrong until the exams when I get those low scores. I also don’t get any of my questions I’ve done answered, so I just stopped asking. I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m trying to understand the concepts and formulas, but with the material, I’m being given. I do not understand it. I’ve been mentally breaking down because I can’t understand this work even when I do it in MML. I won’t lie. Half the time, I’m guessing in there. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Having an extreme anxiety disorder and panic disorder, I have severe issues asking for help outside my family. My mother has been trying to help me the best she can. She knows the math for buying a house, but she was having difficulty understanding the concepts we were given. She’s purchased homes before, and my father used to build and sell houses in the Seattle area, so they know the math.  I worked every day since the assignment was released to finish it and had a meltdown once I realized I didn’t understand the material. I really don’t feel the material we’re being given isn’t enough. With the whole class getting a low score on an exam, shouldn’t we look at the material instead of studying harder? Not everyone learns the same way. I must see things in front of me or experience them before I understand certain things. Having ADHD makes it even harder to focus and remember concepts when I’m only given it for a brief period.

I didn’t retake the one exam on MML because I had to take care of my mental health. It was more important than getting a better grade. I had a complete breakdown that week and exploded. I admitted to everyone I’ve been starving myself as a form of self-harm because of the stress my now ex-husband was putting on me.  I’m not saying I was doing that because of you or this class. I did it because of him. I didn’t retake the test because I had to tend to my mental health. I kicked him out that week. Emotionally, I’m drained and at a loss. I want to pass this class, but from the looks of it, I’m not going to. I’ve been crying because of it. Being on academic probation, and failing this class, terrifies me. This is the only class I’ll end up failing this quarter.

Again, I’m not asking for special treatment—just an understanding of my options. I’m sorry for the swearing-in my commentary. I realize now it was uncalled for. I’m sorry, I really am.

Sincerely,

Stephanie Morante

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Her response,

“You bring up many items in the attached message and it is apparent that you are struggling. I’d really like to find out if you are willing to meet with one of our campus counselors. Please let me know and I will do my best to make that happen.”

This is how I responded back,

“I already see a professionally licensed therapist every week for my mental health. What will the school counselor do that they can’t? How are they going to help me from having a meltdown? I haven’t responded because I don’t feel validated or heard. Yes, I’m going through a lot right now. But that doesn’t mean I can’t pass this class. I have an 89.03% at the moment in Eng 236, and an 87.5% in hum&101, though my final hasn’t been graded yet. I can do the work. I don’t understand the material. I’m panicking every time I’ve done an exam because I don’t understand things. This has been the first quarter that I actually started thinking about quitting school.
Before I started school, I was a complete recluse who never left her house. After intense therapy, I got control of my life again after 14 years. I love learning! I love to learn things new and in creative ways. But when I don’t feel like they’re really being presented or shown, I don’t understand them at all. I don’t ask for help because I’m scared to. You have no idea how scared I am to ask for help. I can send you a link to my site of how self-conscious I am about my intellect. Though the language is colorful, so there’s a fair warning in that.
So, I ask again. How is the school counselor going to be of help to me at this moment?”

Then I wrote another letter,

“I decided to add the link here. This is why I didn’t go back to school for so long, why I was scared to. https://lilswanbaby.com/2021/02/23/im-not-stupid/ if you’re interested in knowing why. I didn’t write this about you. I’ve been telling people my thoughts and feelings for the first time since I was 10 since December. I wrote this because of someone I was dating at the time. Though, it doesn’t matter now why I wrote it. What does matter is that it’s out there.”

I was appalled at her response to me, as was my family.

“Thank you for sharing that your are working with a professional therapist currently. The only extra service one of our campus counselors could provide would be familiarity with campus resources for supplemental support. SCC counselors could keep you connected with our library personnel, tutoring services including e-tutoring for additional reinforcement of topics and further campus resources.

I don’t know if you have completed most of your coursework online or if on-campus classes are an option for you. From what you’ve described about not understanding topics we have covered (and not being comfortable asking questions), I am wondering if an in person classroom might have been a better fit for your learning style.

If you would like me to pursue contacting a staff counselor to provide some support as you finish this quarter and continue on to future quarters, please let me know.”

I answered with this,

“I don’t want to sound rude… but I actually passed my past math classes when I did them online. They were just presented differently.

The teacher did lectures.
I did MML.
I did bookwork.
She also released work at the beginning of the quarter so the class could look at the material and look into it before it was due.

I can do this work when shown, and I don’t have to do a scavenger hunt for it, basically. I’m in school to learn from a teacher and not from my peers.

This method of teaching doesn’t work for me.

I know those resources. I was a work-study in the library last year. I know what there is to offer. I can do this work online when presented in a way I’m being shown and explained how and why it doesn’t work in how it’s not supposed to. I can do this work.

Right now, I really don’t think I’m being heard. I’m not asking for resources. I’m asking to be heard.”

I then sent her the letter I sent to the dean of my department and the chair of the math department.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

March 24, 2021

To whom this may concern,

My name is Stephanie Morante, I’m 33 years old and I’m a student here. I struggle intensely with my mental health. I see a psychologist monthly and a therapist weekly, to improve my mental health. Before coming here at this College I was a complete recluse. In 2018 I never left the house, I had panic attacks so severe that they appeared as seizures. I had no direction in my life. I merely survived each day, fighting against my own mind. It wasn’t until I went into Intensive outpatient dialectical behavior therapy (IOP DBT) that I took control of my life. It was in that therapy that I decided to go back to school.

I started with non-credit courses to get me started over at another College grounds. While doing this I attended my three-hour group sessions for IOP DBT along with one-hour private sessions and a three-hour elective course they require you to take while in the program. I was taking control of my life after not having it since I was seventeen years old. It was in therapy that I realized what really made me happy and what I wanted to do with my life. I decided to get my dream degrees.

I want to be happy. I’m fighting to be happy daily. Growing up I was very self-conscious of my intelligence. I was in Special Education classes until 10 grade when I begged to be taken out of them because of the ridicule I got for being incompetent. I got it from my classmates. I hate to say this but teachers would also treat me like I didn’t know what I was talking about more than half the time. If I used a word such as comprehension I was always questioned if I knew what it meant. It got to the point where I stopped asking or talking to teachers.

I love to learn. I try and read as much as I can. I was scared to go back to school, but my mother decided to go back after not being there for so long. I thought if she can do it, so can I. She told me how excepting and understanding the teachers are here at College. That is why when I started Math 107 I didn’t think that me not understanding something would become a misunderstanding. The class was told to post in discussions when they needed help with the work. But every time I posted I was not answered by anyone. I had no idea how much I was not understanding the material until the exams. During the exams I was panicking every time. I was scared and I have feared failing this class.

This quarter has been the first time I have considered quitting going to school. When I have tried to comment on something even when it’s in the grade book. The teacher, instead of messaging me directly to let me know to message her instead. Made an announcement to the whole class that she won’t look at the messages. To send her a direct message on canvas. She posted that announcement, a day after I commented on my first exam. I’ll admit I wasn’t the nicest about it. But I did comment again apologized before that announcement on canvas.I sent her a message towards the end of the quarter only to let her know why I didn’t do the project the way it was supposed to be. I didn’t understand the work.

In this letter I expressed that I have been struggling all quarter with this class. That I have an anxiety and panic disorder and I’m terrified to ask for help from people I don’t know. I have been asking for help from my mother who does know this math. She’s been struggling with doing the work that we’ve been told to do it. I’m being marked wrong for answers I got right because the work wasn’t shown the way she wanted. I was not even given partial credit for it. I don’t understand why I must show the work and do the work a certain way if I get the correct answers. I also expressed that if the entire class fails a test and we’re told to retake it, shouldn’t we look at the material instead of telling everyone to just study harder. I feel if the entire class is struggling on an exam, doesn’t that mean the way we’re being taught isn’t working?

I know this quarter hasn’t been easy on me emotionally, not just because of this class. But I have an 89.03 percent in ENGL and 87.50 percent in HUM and my finals haven’t been graded yet. I think that shows I can do the work when it’s presented to me in a way that I can understand it. When it’s explained and if I have questions, I will be answered. I absolutely loved those classes and I looked forward to them every day. When I took Math 88, I enjoyed it very much. The only reason I ended up taking it twice was due to medical reasons. But I worked every day to do the work and I would have passed it the first time if I didn’t forget to turn in an exam. I passed that class with a 70 percent grade and I passed Math 87 with an 80.61 percent grade. I can do the work.

When I’m not being presented it through a proper lecture along with explanations of why other ways don’t work, I understand math so much better than in this fashion. I don’t feel every person learns the same. We’re not cookie cutters, we all have our own unique way of looking at and learning information. I don’t hate this teacher. I’m disappointed in her teaching methods. When I’ve expressed my perspective of things, she referred me to a counselor instead of acknowledging the issues at hand. I don’t understand that, and honestly it feels extremely invalidating of how I think and feel about this. It really makes me feel like I’m being pushed aside.

If I’m feeling this way, it makes me question who else is feeling this way. Yes, I battle with my mental health daily. But I’m alive, I want to be successful in college. It’s just hard to battle my mind when I feel like I’m not being heard. I love this school. I just want to feel like I’m being heard when I bring up an issue with my teacher. When I say I don’t understand the material, that they say let’s look at to why that is. That they look at the whole picture. Making sure I’m not the only one. Because if the whole class is struggling with an exam that means the way it’s being taught is not working.

Thank you for your time and hard work. I do appreciate the work the teachers and staff have done here.  I loved working in the library as a work-study. I love this place. I just don’t want to feel like it’s a place where the students’ thoughts and feelings aren’t being heard.

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Why do I have to go to this extent to be heard about the material not being presented properly?

How is it this teacher is not acknowledging the fact that I’m not understanding the material? That the whole class failed an exam and she told everyone to retake it.

I’m questioning this because if I’m struggling, then who else is? Who failed a class because they couldn’t understand the material because of the fact they weren’t being heard when they said they didn’t understand the material? How many of them were on financial aid academic probation? If you don’t know what that is let me explain. When you’re on that, you can NOT fail any of your classes. Or they will put you on academic suspension in turn you lose financial aid and won’t be able to pay for college. You are only allowed to appeal it so many times before they say no more. You have to prove you can keep your grades and pass your classes with a satisfactory grade to keep it.

Who lost their chance at a college education because a teacher didn’t listen to them when they said they didn’t understand the material and how it was being taught?

It really makes me question that. I shouldn’t be questioning this. I should be sitting here defending everything about teachers. I love teachers. I love how much work they do for the people of the world. They work their asses off! They’re the reason people have a future! They’re the reason we have the luxuries we do today. If we didn’t have people teaching us or mentoring us people would be lost. I love teachers. I mean my dream man is a teacher LOL. I have nothing but love for teachers and the hard work they put in every day for the people of the world.

The only thing I want with posting this is to be heard. For someone to say let’s look at the material. If an entire class is struggling, then maybe it’s time to look at how it’s being taught?

Thank you, teachers, for your hard work! You really do deserve more recognition then you get every day. People need to have days to recognize how much passion you have to teach those around you.

Thank you.

Category: life

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I just want to be heard.