Things I’ve thought about and haven’t posted.

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Unless you have been in marriage counseling, therapy, or take an interpersonal communication class that brings this up, you might not know what the four horsemen even is. I’ll explain why I know it. It was founded by John Gottman who is a very well-known marriage psychologist. Anyway, I know about the four horsemen because it has been taught throughout all three of the things I mentioned. I first learned about it in marriage counseling, then in my interpersonal communication class; after that, I was relearning about them in my private therapy sessions. Now this is from my interpersonal communications class, which describes each of the four horsemen.

FOUR BAD OMENS THAT FORECAST TROUBLE FOR RELATIONSHIPS “THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE”

Based on research done by Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington

CRITICISM: Complaining is actually a healthy marital activity. It makes the relationship stronger in the long run than when it’s suppressed. The problem is that we usually don’t complain about specific actions; we criticize the person instead. There may not seem to be much of a difference between complaining and criticizing, but criticism involves attacking someone’s personality rather than his/her behavior. Complaints use “I” language and criticism usually uses “You” language. “I wish we went out more often” is a complaint. “You never take me anywhere” is a criticism.

Receiving criticism feels far worse than receiving a complaint.

CONTEMPT: Contempt is separated from criticism by the intention behind it. When you are contemptuous you intend to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Name-calling, hostile humor like biting sarcasm, and mockery are common forms of contempt.

DEFENSIVENESS: Contempt usually leads to defensiveness—it is the counterpart to contempt. You usually feel victimized and just want to get back at the person rather than deal with the problem. If you are bombarded with insults it is natural to want to defend yourself and the best defense is a good offense. Defensiveness is very destructive because it becomes habit forming and leads to the escalatory spiral we discussed in class.

STONEWALLING: You get exhausted from the above three and simply stop responding, even defensively. Dr. Gottman’s research indicated about 85% of stonewallers are men. Overwhelmed by emotions, stonewallers tend to withdraw. They won’t make eye contact and avoid doing anything that would indicate they are listening. They often claim they’re trying not to make things worse, but stonewalling itself is a powerful act conveying disapproval and smugness, creating distance, and is a power play to control the situation. Once the conflict has deteriorated to this point, it is going to require a lot of hard work from both parties to resolve it.

Keep in mind that most of us engage in the above behaviors from time to time during conflict, but the danger is letting this kind of interaction become habit forming. According to Gottman’s research, if he can identify 3 or 4 of

these tendencies in your communication with others, he can predict with a high percentage of accuracy whether or not your relationship is going to last. Start becoming aware of them in your own communication style.”

That’s the gist of it, and I’m just thinking about things and analyzing things, especially personal relationships. I know I can be critical, and I own up to that. I know I’m guilty of it, and it’s one of the biggest things I’ve worked on in therapy and why I took an interpersonal communication class. I want to talk to the people around me without falling into these all the time. I want to have a successful relationship with someone. I also want the other person to understand these as well too. Because criticism will lead to contempt, then defensiveness, stonewalling, it becomes a never-ending cycle and will lead to a marriage failure. I wasn’t the only one in the relationship guilty of doing these because it wasn’t just me. Even if a person doesn’t display criticism openly, ask your self are they being judgemental towards you? Do they turn their back on you the moment you bring up a certain subject? Judgment is ultimately critical because if you’re looking at something and you judge it, you’re analyzing and being critical of that said person, place, or thing. In this class, I learned that communication verbally is only “7 percent verbal, 38 percent vocal, and 55 percent visual” (Interpersonal Communications 210 PowerPoint). So if someone turns away and gives the cold shoulder to their partner, they send a message that they don’t want to hear what their partner has to say. Especially if they don’t even hear what their partner is trying to tell or ask them. That’s being judgemental and, in turn, is critical.

I bring this up because people say they’re communicating by talking but talking is not the only form of communication. That’s why when people tell a person their actions don’t reflect their words, that’s what they’re referring to. There’s so much more to communication than just words alone, and some people do need to be reminded of that.

I said I’ve been writing outside of here, and these are the type of things I’ve been analyzing. I’m trying to reflect on myself as a person but also being mindful of my communication. I want to have successful relationships, as I said, and to do that, I have to educate myself on all aspects of relationships. Not just the pretty parts but the hard parts to why relationships fail and understand why they fail. If I can understand that, I can better reflect on myself and better myself for future relationships.

Life Update, Sorry it has been so long.

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I know it’s been awhile since I posted on here.

Most of you know, and some don’t; I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been going through therapy since 2018, and I’ve been on medications for it since 2014. I have learned a great deal about my mental health and what healthy relationships and boundaries are because of it. I’ve also learned to radically accept things that I can’t change. It’s actually a skill taught in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s the therapy I started back in 2018. I was put in Intensive Outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I had a weekly private therapy session for an hour—a Weekly group session for 3 hours. Then a supplemental class every 6 weeks for 3 hours a day every week. I did this for a full year. It’s during this therapy I learned what I wanted and what made me happy the most. What I wanted to go for, how I wanted to live my life. That’s when I realized my dream job and why I wanted to go for it. And it’s because of my best friend, Cindy. I’ll tell you why…

When we first met, I was 16, we were in high school. We both didn’t really have a lot of money, but that didn’t stop us from hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. She lived close to downtown by the riverfront. We would walk to the park all the time and just goof around and take pictures if she could get a disposable camera. Eventually, we started going into Nordstroms and trying on the clothes and just having fun, taking pictures. After we would go to the library and look at books. I can’t remember if I had a library card or if we just used hers, but we would check out a book and just go back to her house and read. We always would go to the library, and I realized how much I loved it. I realized how much a genuine friend can be with her. I wanted to be a chef in high school but decided I didn’t want that intense of a life. Then I wasn’t sure what I wanted after my mental health took a turn. I love to bake. I would love to own a patisserie with pastries from around the world and serve coffees and teas. I know I don’t need a degree as a librarian to open a bookstore/patisserie; I’m getting that degree because I want to know that knowledge and the dream of having that job. My other dream job is owning a Patisserie, a bookstore called Witches Candy House, based on the Grimm Tale of Hansel and Gretel. I want it to be a place of acceptance and happiness. If a kid comes in wearing a costume, they get a free treat or book of their choice. It’s my dream, and I’m working towards it! Because my best friend Cindy showed me what it feels like to be Happy and accepted all the time. She’s a woman I admire alongside my mother. I don’t know if she knows how much of a strong woman she is, but she is; God knew what he was doing when he made her and her family. When he put me in the path of the people I’ve met to this point. They have no idea how much they’ve impacted my life. Even if I wasn’t all there until after 2018. I should explain what I mean by that.

Many don’t know this, but I made up a fantasy world since I was 10 years old. At that age, I would just escape to it because I was alone and didn’t have anyone to talk to. So, I made up a place of fantasy; eventually, that fantasy became my reality. I didn’t really acknowledge reality as it was until 2018. I never wrote down my world; I’ve never shared my world with anyone. Though, I’m going to change that. I’m ready to write it down. In my world, I’ve created people, places, races, and histories. In this world, I had friends and a dream man. Who wasn’t royalty? He was a teacher and strived for knowledge; his name was Nickolias DelricVon. His father Remus raised him alone because his mother died after giving birth to him. Nick’s father came from an impoverished life, where Remus’s own father had to work at a temple in exchange for food and shelter. Remus’s mother would make clothes from the scraps of cloth the priests threw away. Remus and his brothers were given enough education so they could read the holy texts while there. But Remus persevered and continued his education, becoming a great jeweler and scientist. He valued education and made sure Nick understood the value of it. After Remus’s death, Nick was adopted by his godfather at 12 but to remember his father, he strives for an education. He was a good man who went through so much, from the woman he wanted to marry selling him as a slave and after escaping slavery became an alcoholic then getting sober. There’s so much to this world I want to talk about, and when I told mom about the people and places, she demanded a book series, lol. This has been my reality for so long, and I wanted to keep it private because it was my world. But, I’m doing everything not to escape to that world. I want to be in the present moment and in reality. I want to write it down not only for people to know what I’ve been seeing and experiencing mentally because of this world but as a way to close that door.

A lot of people read that Brandon and I have split up. I found out he was asking other girls for sex from one of his friends. He admitted to compulsively lying to me throughout the entire relationship. Also, our marriage was an achievement he wanted his family to acknowledge, so basically, I was just a fucking prize. He told me he’s been wanting a divorce for quite some time. When I asked him why he didn’t ask for one while we were in marriage counseling (for him cheating on me), he said he didn’t want me to hate him or stop talking to him. How narcissistic is that? That he went to culinary school to further his career and wanted a divorce because he knew I wouldn’t move out of state. He never talked to me why and if he did, he wouldn’t listen to my reasons. So, he put his “career” on “hold” for us. He was just avoiding the enviable and didn’t want to be the fucking bad guy asking for a divorce; he fucking left it to me( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮! I can’t tell you, hot fucking pissed I’ve been with him. After I found out all this, he thought we were going to stay together, and I basically had to say, “Guess what bitch! No! You’re moving out, and we’re getting a fucking divorce!” I’m so fucking done with him( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮!

Anyways, I thought everyone would like to know why we split up since I haven’t really been on Facebook or anything in awhile. I want to get back into writing down many things, and I have been. I just haven’t been uploading it to here like I used to. I’m being mindful about things and thinking things through. I do want to try and keep everyone updated; I’m just going through a lot emotionally.

Shouldn’t be allowed a credit card lol

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I hope everyone is doing well. I’ve been mentally in a rut. I’ve tried writing on here many times and couldn’t think of what to write. The headaches don’t help.

Sunday was my dad’s birthday and we went to my brother’s for dinner and gave him his gifts which were just gift cards.

I got myself a birthday present a new camera. It’s a Canon EOS Rebel T6 1300D. I love it! I really wanted a new camera to take pictures with. It was on sale at Kohls. It was $800 originally and I got it for $400. I really shouldn’t have a credit card lol.

Here’s some pictures it’s taken…

Yes I know our house is a mess.

I want to take more photos. I’d really like to go to Manito Park and take pictures just to take. I’d also like to vlog with the camera. I really want to make video’s. I want to make memories for my family and that’s why I want to vlog. Even if I don’t upload it to YouTube I want to have those memories.

I want to learn to cross-stitch so I got some hoops and thread to practice. I figure I can cross-stitch on fabric squares and put it together on a quilt.

I already have fabric squares cut out that I can practice on. I also ordered what I need to make patches. I want to make my own so I don’t have to order them online. It adds up getting them. Also I’d be able to do what ever picture I want for a patch.

I went to Kohls and I ended up getting another jean jacket. It was originally $60 and I got it for $3.15. I was shocked that it was so cheap and my size. I’ll need to dye it along with my other one. So now I have 3 jean jackets. I’m planning on putting patches on all of them lol.

I stopped taking that new medication. I was having headaches every day that would turn into migraines. I also just felt like crying all the time. I couldn’t stand it so I stopped taking it and I’m going to talk to my doctor about trying something else. My school work suffered because of it. I’m doing just what I need to and that’s it. I was not doing it while taking that medication. I talked to one of my teachers and she told me to work on me and not to worry about school. I’m still going to do my tests in that class but that’s it. I’m trying so I don’t fail this quarter. I think I might just scrape by with my grades.

I got the patches on the back of my coat and buttons on the front and collar. Here’s what it looks like so far.

The cat is on both of the sleeves.

I still want to add more patches to it. I’m really liking how it’s turning out. It’s me and my personality on a jacket lol.

I’ve been hooked to watching Dr. Pol on Disney+. I like watching a show that’s not about drama and actually helps people understand the reality of having animals. What things could and do happen with animals. When I’m not watching movies I’m watching that. There’s 16 seasons and we’ve watched it once and we’re almost done watching it a second time lol.

I’ve been putting job applications in everywhere I can think of. I don’t think people want to hire someone who has almost no experience with working. I got approved for work study again. So, hopefully they allow me to stay at the library. I’m sure Karen will let me come back and work there. But I also need another job for bills here at home sense Brandon is leaving for New York this fall. Maybe I should apply at Zips and see if they’ll hire me.

I only have about a week left of school then 2 weeks off. I’ll start back up on July 1. I got math and P.E. to do for the summer. So far I’m passing my math class. I struggled with it due to my depression becoming intense and switching my medications. I had a lot of emotional issues due to the change in my medications. I stopped one and I feel better. My doctor is putting me on something else to try. I hope I don’t get severe migraines. I guess we’ll see what happens after I start them.