Why this matter to me.


Communication to me is essential in a relationship, romantic or not. Because without it, there virtually is no relationship. Without it, two people become strangers who happen to see each other, or live with each other, say hi, and walk away; that’s having acquaintances, not a relationship. I’ve learned with therapy and taking communication classes that communication is essential to having relationships, especially healthy ones. With learning those things, I learned how I was avoiding things or attacking to the extreme. I couldn’t handle getting criticism or give it without belittling a person. So, that’s why I’ve been working so damn hard to better that about myself. It’s why I look and think about the four horsemen in relationships. I know those are my main faults in a relationship, especially romantic ones. I’ve never cheated on anyone or even given another man from reality the time of day. Have I fantasized about the one I made up since I was young? Yes, I have, but that’s because he’s my dream man; he’s the man who was there for me when I needed someone to love me when no one would.

I know I can be difficult to love at times with my mental disorders, and yes, I get confused easily when my anxiety kicks up to the max. But my dream man looked past that, hugged me, and said, “We’ll get through this, now tell me what’s bothering you? I want to help you find a solution to your problem if I can.” and if I just wanted to listen to that’s what he did. I don’t understand why I had to fantasize about someone who did that, especially while being married. There really was no communication between Brandon and I. Fuck, he didn’t even know I had my nipples pierced for the longest time ლ(ಠ_ಠლ) I think that gives you an idea about communication and physical affection with us; since I’ve had them done since I think October 2019 or November 2019.

I don’t want to go back to begging someone for their time and energy. If they give it to me, that’s amazing! If they don’t, well, they better enjoy the view of my ass because I will walk away. I’ve dealt with that type of bullshit for way too long, and I want a relationship where the person wants to spend time with me. Where they want to have communication to the fullest. I don’t want half-assed shit anymore, and yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want from a relationship since my separation from Brandon. That’s what I want, along with someone who values time with my family and friends as much as I do. I don’t want to be with someone for the fact of being with someone; I want them part of the family. I want them to look at my family and say, “I’m happy I’ve met you and became apart of this family.” Not someone who runs in the opposite direction (¬_¬).

I want to be the person they think about first thing in the morning and the last before they sleep. Why has that been a stretch? So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m not going to fight for someone’s attention. If they want it, they will have to tell me they want it by showing it. With their actions, not just words; words are pretty and all, but if your actions don’t match what you say, then they’re just empty promises that you’re trying to feed me, and that’s nothing more than manipulation to get what you want. I’m not dealing with that again. ಠ_ರೃ

Things I’ve thought about and haven’t posted.


Unless you have been in marriage counseling, therapy, or take an interpersonal communication class that brings this up, you might not know what the four horsemen even is. I’ll explain why I know it. It was founded by John Gottman who is a very well-known marriage psychologist. Anyway, I know about the four horsemen because it has been taught throughout all three of the things I mentioned. I first learned about it in marriage counseling, then in my interpersonal communication class; after that, I was relearning about them in my private therapy sessions. Now this is from my interpersonal communications class, which describes each of the four horsemen.


Based on research done by Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington

CRITICISM: Complaining is actually a healthy marital activity. It makes the relationship stronger in the long run than when it’s suppressed. The problem is that we usually don’t complain about specific actions; we criticize the person instead. There may not seem to be much of a difference between complaining and criticizing, but criticism involves attacking someone’s personality rather than his/her behavior. Complaints use “I” language and criticism usually uses “You” language. “I wish we went out more often” is a complaint. “You never take me anywhere” is a criticism.

Receiving criticism feels far worse than receiving a complaint.

CONTEMPT: Contempt is separated from criticism by the intention behind it. When you are contemptuous you intend to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Name-calling, hostile humor like biting sarcasm, and mockery are common forms of contempt.

DEFENSIVENESS: Contempt usually leads to defensiveness—it is the counterpart to contempt. You usually feel victimized and just want to get back at the person rather than deal with the problem. If you are bombarded with insults it is natural to want to defend yourself and the best defense is a good offense. Defensiveness is very destructive because it becomes habit forming and leads to the escalatory spiral we discussed in class.

STONEWALLING: You get exhausted from the above three and simply stop responding, even defensively. Dr. Gottman’s research indicated about 85% of stonewallers are men. Overwhelmed by emotions, stonewallers tend to withdraw. They won’t make eye contact and avoid doing anything that would indicate they are listening. They often claim they’re trying not to make things worse, but stonewalling itself is a powerful act conveying disapproval and smugness, creating distance, and is a power play to control the situation. Once the conflict has deteriorated to this point, it is going to require a lot of hard work from both parties to resolve it.

Keep in mind that most of us engage in the above behaviors from time to time during conflict, but the danger is letting this kind of interaction become habit forming. According to Gottman’s research, if he can identify 3 or 4 of

these tendencies in your communication with others, he can predict with a high percentage of accuracy whether or not your relationship is going to last. Start becoming aware of them in your own communication style.”

That’s the gist of it, and I’m just thinking about things and analyzing things, especially personal relationships. I know I can be critical, and I own up to that. I know I’m guilty of it, and it’s one of the biggest things I’ve worked on in therapy and why I took an interpersonal communication class. I want to talk to the people around me without falling into these all the time. I want to have a successful relationship with someone. I also want the other person to understand these as well too. Because criticism will lead to contempt, then defensiveness, stonewalling, it becomes a never-ending cycle and will lead to a marriage failure. I wasn’t the only one in the relationship guilty of doing these because it wasn’t just me. Even if a person doesn’t display criticism openly, ask your self are they being judgemental towards you? Do they turn their back on you the moment you bring up a certain subject? Judgment is ultimately critical because if you’re looking at something and you judge it, you’re analyzing and being critical of that said person, place, or thing. In this class, I learned that communication verbally is only “7 percent verbal, 38 percent vocal, and 55 percent visual” (Interpersonal Communications 210 PowerPoint). So if someone turns away and gives the cold shoulder to their partner, they send a message that they don’t want to hear what their partner has to say. Especially if they don’t even hear what their partner is trying to tell or ask them. That’s being judgemental and, in turn, is critical.

I bring this up because people say they’re communicating by talking but talking is not the only form of communication. That’s why when people tell a person their actions don’t reflect their words, that’s what they’re referring to. There’s so much more to communication than just words alone, and some people do need to be reminded of that.

I said I’ve been writing outside of here, and these are the type of things I’ve been analyzing. I’m trying to reflect on myself as a person but also being mindful of my communication. I want to have successful relationships, as I said, and to do that, I have to educate myself on all aspects of relationships. Not just the pretty parts but the hard parts to why relationships fail and understand why they fail. If I can understand that, I can better reflect on myself and better myself for future relationships.

Vasska The Mad King


I want to start off, I don’t know how accurate some information is in this world; this is just how it plays out in my head and in my world. Please understand I know this is completely fiction. To understand Vasska a bit I want to explain the Zailainian race that I came up with.

Zailainian: This is actually the first face I came up with; they were the start of my world, so I’ve made more about them than most others. They’re a race of people who have the ability to harden their skin and sharpen their hair into thousands of blades. They’re unable to shapeshift, but they are very dangerous when it comes to fighting. They’re a very proud race with a very low context communication style. They value family bonds, and when those bonds are broken, they will seek them out elsewhere and create bonds, whether good or bad, with another family. Once they choose to be loyal to a family or person, it’s a lifetime commitment. They are formerly slavers, but that was abolished with King Vasska, but he only did that to favor the people. He was a cruel man who killed ruthlessly. (He was a very religious man, and I’ll get into their religion in another part). He would hunt down the Carvarians and kill them publicly by cutting their heart out while they were alive and awake. Their hearts were stored in the palace hidden in a locked room in the mines that are no longer worked. He would sacrifice his own people, saying that the gods were angry and required a sacrifice to right the wrong. They would be thrown off a cliff into a pool of ocean fenced off full of an animal looks like an electric eel with the appetite of a piranha, and they eat fast as a piranha. They’re blind, but they have an intense sense of smell like a great white shark. They are called Piscivorous Eels

The Island Of Purgatory: I do have people I’ve created who work here and sent here. I will eventually get into the details of this place and why it’s the jail of choice aside from the Grimical jail to send criminals’ worst. This is where all the criminals that commit the most heinous crimes are sent. It’s considered its own hell and worst than the Alcatraz island was. It’s in-closed and complicated to get to. Only a very experienced sailor or pilot can get to the area. Electrical instruments aren’t able to work in that area, so they have to rely on sight alone.

Religion is called: Pravá Viera – I’ll talk about this later… I want a post that goes in-depth about it, but to give you an idea, it has ideas from what I learned about Egyptian culture during Cleopatra’s time and when Aztecs sacrificed people and the pagan religion. Again what I have in this I have no idea where there is, or if there’s even accuracy, it’s just how my world turned into this one.

Valorous Skirmish: This is an honorable fight between two people, and the agreements they make before the fight starts must be honored, or they can be thrown in jail. Everyone always brings at least 2 or more witnesses to ensure that the right will be honored after. I’m certain all the WoW nerds reading this will know where I got this idea from LOL (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و ~YESSS. #nerd (/◕ヮ◕)/ (^o^) (✿◠‿◠)

I will reference these again in the future when I talk about other people and scenes.

Let’s start with King  Vasska, Known as Vasska The Mad King.

King Vasska Ulrick- Deceased- died at 54 years old. While trying to kill a boy in a sacrifice, the cliff gave way, and he fell into the pool of Piscivorous Eels’s. Prince Scrapptious’s, Lord Tobias’s, and Lord Taifa’s father.

Queen Sveta Ulric- Deceased- Died at 44 years old. Prince Scrapptious’s, Lord Tobias’s, and Lord Taifa’s mother. Yes, she was a child bride.

He was a mad man, and his wife Sveta had Stockholm syndrome. Vasska was extremely religious, but their religion wasn’t a religion known here on earth; I made it up; it was called Pravá Viera, which translates to true faith. This religion only sacrificed a small animal, and that was only during the change of seasons. Vasska twisted it; he thought their god had spoken to him and that the crops were failing in the lands because the gods weren’t getting a grand enough sacrifice. At first, it was larger animals, but it wasn’t long until animals turned to people. He started to make a sacrifice a day. Then it turned into a couple a day; eventually, the people feared for their own lives because they didn’t know if they did something that he or his followers didn’t like, they would kill them and say it was nothing more than a sacrifice, the person was then absolved of the crime. Vasska would say that is a justified answer, even if they didn’t have evidence. Eventually, it became a ritual to gather those marked as sinners by his religious police; they were marched up to the temple that stood on a cliff. At the top of the cliff was a temple that overlooked the ocean. At the bottom of the cliff, Vasska had the water closed off and filled with Piscivorous Eels of an animal that looks like an electric eel with the appetite of a piranha, and they eat fast as a piranha. They’re blind, but they have an intense sense of smell like a great white shark. These people hand their hands bound until right before they were pushed off the cliff. Men, women,  and children were all thrown into this pool by Vasska himself. He would laugh like that of a mad man and enjoy every moment of hearing their screams and cries. His wife Sveta would just stand there emotionless as though she was bored.; and no one was off-limits either. He did have two kids that were only 6, twin boys, that he threw into the pools for “sinning” against their god.

When Sveta had her 3 sons (triplets), Tobias, Taifa, and Prince Scrapptious, she convinced Vasska to send them to the temple to the north when they were only 5 could learn the proper way to follow the texts and serve God.

That is where the three of them met Remus and his brother and parents. But I’m not going to go into their story yet; I want to continue with Vasska.

Vasska ruled for quite a few years; his rule wasn’t short; it was 42 years Scrapptious didn’t take the throne until 34 years old. When his twin boy Joyous and Girl Star were barely 5. They had to be born in hiding because of Vasska; when Scrapptious’s wife Synova got pregnant 2 1/2 years before Vasska beat her until she miscarried because she wasn’t wearing the proper clothes during the proper day; for the certain holy texts that were to be read. As I said, he was a madman. They stayed in hiding until Vasska’s and his wife Sveta’s death; their death was also ironic. They were making their traditional sacrifice; that day, Vasska went after his own nephew because he yawned and looked down during the texts’ reading. Vasska rushed over and grabbed Tonga. Tonga struggled to free himself and ended up using his hair to cut Vasska; right then, the cliff gave way, and Vasska fell down into the pool of Piscivorous Eels’s. Standing there horrified, Sveta ran and jumped off the cliff after her husband into the pool. The priests looked at Tonga and said this was God’s way of saying he is to be spared, that he is chosen and that the sacrifices are to end with King Vasska and Queen Sveta’s death.

There is so much more that happens with Vasska and during his ruling. He killed thousands of people, and sacrifices weren’t his only method of choice. He tortured and brutalized his people; just a complete monster. His excuse for everything was it was in the name of god. That was his way of rationalizing murder. I know everyone will probably want more about this Vasska The Mad King, but this is the basic rundown of what he was known for in my world.

There’s a part that happened with Remus and Nick running into Vasska and his hunting party in the woods. Nick risk’s his own life to save a boy’s life from being killed by Vasska. I want to save that for when I talk about Arvarian who is the Clan leader to the Carvarians. For now let’s leave it here, since Vasska The Mad King was chosen I’ll start with the Zailainian race and let you know about them in my world first. Enjoy!

Trust me if I understood and knew how to come up with languages I would have different languages for each race (͡o‿O͡).