This reality sucks.

It has been a few weeks since I have posted anything. It was not on purpose; I just had an extreme episode of depression that stopped me from doing many things.  

So much has happened since my last posting. The first thing that happened was that I was scammed.  

I started to write out something talking about determining who is trying to scam you out of money, but I forgot about what else a person could be scammed out of. So, this is what I wrote but did not post; I wrote this back in May. I have just had not been willing to write much about anything until now.  

How to determine if the person you are talking to is a scammer.  

Offering something too good to be true.  

When something is too good to be true, it usually comes to people online that you do not know. Yes, they may show pictures of said “glorious gift,” but how do you know those are not friends working with them as accomplices? How do you know it is not fake images from someone else’s social media?  

They always ask for some type of ID or SS ID. When they are denied, they will demand trust from you. Then, they will keep talking and twisting your words until you give in.  

Scammers come in many forms, not just for money. They are charming, tearing down your walls. Sometimes they just want you for their ego. Until you are nothing but putty in the hands ready to do their bidding, anything to please them.  

You end up allowing them in your heart even when you are the most cautious person. Something about them disarms you.  

You are probably wondering why I am saying this; it is because I was scammed emotionally. I let my guard down, and I did not follow my usual precautions. I ended up allowing someone to pray on me because of it.  

Ever since I found out, most people have just told me it was my fault. That I allowed myself to be put in that situation is victim-blaming at its finest. Nevertheless, I am struggling to accept the fact that it happened. I am getting to the point where I am scared to leave my house. I have been nothing but an emotional wreck since then.  

I was scammed but not for money but my emotions. This guy charmed his way past my emotional barriers and took my heart and mind for granted. Most people hear scams and think someone is swindled out of money or possessions. But people scam us of our time and emotionally. We give our whole hearts and feelings to these people; then, like a bitch slap, you find out your only there to boost their egos.  

I have been so cautious about being scammed financially that I forgot to be cautious with my heart and mind. 

This is what I was scammed out of, my time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. It has caused me a great deal of emotional pain. I have also been worried about family during these times.  

My Grandmother had to have lung surgery to remove a mass, and they tested it while she was on the operating table to check if it was cancerous. Unfortunately, it came back positive, they had to remove part of her lung, and it was difficult surgery.  

The doctor asked my mother if she was from the south, such as Mississippi because that is the only place he is seen people with a lung that sticky. He struggled to separate the mass, her lung, and vital organs that took him longer than he wanted.  

She also had other Lymph Nodes that he did not like the look of, so they took samples to test for cancer. They said if they came back positive, she would need another surgery. Thankfully, they came back negative, and she did not have to go through another surgery.  

With the worry of my family’s health and someone taking me for a fool, I have started to slip back into disassociating from this reality. I have thrown myself into diamond painting to keep myself in the present. I have been going back into my Fantasy world, but I fought back at first. When my mind slipped, I messed up the picture several times. Finally, it got to the point where I decided to step back from diamond painting.  

I have now decided to write out what happens through my mind when I disassociate from this reality into my Fantasy world. I have started with the latest one. I figured writing out who said what and what happened would only be a couple of thousand words. Boy, was I wrong… I am not even a quarter into it, and I am already at 11,502 words.  

I remember all the events that have taken place in this Fantasy world. I plan to write them out; I may not remember exact words, but I do know everyone’s personalities like the back of my hand, and I know how they would respond. I know who what good at the time and who was bad. I remember everything that twisted these people and their minds. I listed out the events, and it is thirty-two so far, but I am sure there are more.  

I had no plans to draft a book about all this but just to get it written out. Though things are going with what I am currently writing, it will become a book. The crazy part of it is, I have been just writing out dialogue and actions; I have not put very many details or descriptions into it. I just wanted to get the main parts down. I can get the details of looks, places, and expressions down later. But, for now, I just wanted it to be written out.  

Though, I am uncertain if people would even want to read it, mainly because it is not just talking about the disassociation and what is happening during the time but also the mental commentary. It is the best way to describe my mind’s thought process because of my mental health. The commentary is not from me either, and it is from the different sides of my mind that I have named, Hamster, Owl, Batty, Squirrel, Goldie, and Rabbit. These guys are all sides to my mind and my emotions.  

In writing this, though, I see what I usually think when meeting people and how irritated I get when I perform specific actions and those routines are not completed. Writing this out is allowing me to see my mind from a different perspective. Because in this world, I am an outsider watching what is happening to me and those in this world. Yet, at the same time, they are happening to me in certain situations because I will make it where I am part of that world in certain events then pull myself out again. And all the while, I will do things in this world and not have any memories of them because my mind is more focused on recording the memories of my fantasy world. To my mind, that world is more interesting than this one.  

The sarcasm in this one is very apparent, and I curse like a sailor in it. I’m not sure who I plan to show it to and If I will put everything as a book, but I just wanted to get things written down onto paper. Well, onto word here on the computer, sorry had to get technical.  

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