I have only been recently opening to what goes through my head and talking about what I think. I am coming to see how lonely it is to walk this road. Most people do not want to hear or talk about mental health disorders and how much they affect a person’s life. I am now talking about how much these disorders affect my day-to-day. I am opening to everyone, and I am currently finding that most people, especially at school, do not want to hear it. Almost as though I am using it as an excuse to fail shit. I am not doing that.
I do not purposefully dissociate on purpose to forget to work. I do not use having ADHD as an excuse not to retain the information that is being taught. They have never known how many medications I have been put on and taken off during my time there. I have had to deal with all those side effects and practice mindfulness every day.
Do you know I have to practice mindfulness every hour to keep my focus while doing homework? I must constantly practice my DBT skills every day just to do my homework and understand what I do.
That is not a small list! There are 28 different skills I must do all the time, and that is not including trying to practice other crap mentally!
I am not sure if people realize how much energy it takes to act normal and be normal. To not act up and make everyone freaking happy! People do not realize that is why I do not talk much or try to converse. I always say something that irritates or frustrates someone, and they think I am a complete bitch or a completely incompetent imbecile. Either way, someone is always not happy with me in the end because I always say something that pisses them off.
“You can’t please everyone.”
I am coming to understand the phrase now more than ever. I have spent my life worried about making people mad and doing everything to avoid it.
After going through therapy and realizing how much I lived my life around what others wanted me to do, I am now doing what I want. I am showing people what my thought process is like, and many people do not like it.
People never knew what my mind and reality were about day-to-day. They had no idea about me disassociating all the time, causing me not to have memories of things that have happened. The more stress I go through, the more risk I have of disassociating, which is a higher risk of memory loss of that time.
I must fight my mind to stay focused so I can remember everything. I journal all the time so that I have memories of those days. No one knows the guilt I feel when I do not remember things or the activities I did with someone.
I must feel intense emotions that day for it to imprint on my mind. So, I must be genuinely happy or unimaginably miserable when I am disassociating to remember that shit.
Now that video really goes into my mindset, and how much I’m struggling to figure things out. I’m working every day to do what I need to so I can be mindful and present. I don’t want everything to be erased from my mind due to disacociastiong. I have that there are black parts to my past because of it. Anyways, that’s it for this posting.