You’re invalidating them!
You want to know why people don’t come to you when they have a problem, especially kids and adolescents? You are either invalidating their feelings or making them feel shame for it happening.
This is from my experience and things I was literally told.
Boys will be boys. Who else is sick and tired of hearing this BS line from people? That justifies a boy and/or man behaving in a discriminatory way. towards you.
I’m not talking just towards women; other men get it too. Gay or straight men whether they are on the more feminine side or not. Why does no one talk about them too when they say this?
Why am I bringing this up you ask? I’ll tell you because my last post made me start thinking of all the things I was told when I was younger as I was bullied. This was the most common one. The other one was “kids can be mean, but you just need to have a thinker skin and ignore them.”
They would sit there and justify the bullies, and they always wondered why I never talked to anyone about my being bullied.
How is a person supposed to go to you when they feel that they’re just going to be shamed for the fact of the incident happening?
When you ask them, “what did you do to provoke them?” That’s attacking and shaming.
When you ask them, “what they were wearing?” you’re blaming the victim for it happening. That’s not compassion, that’s invalidation and justifies the person who committed said act! That tells me you approve of what the other person did and the victim is to blame ໒( ͡; 益 ͡; )७┌∩┐!!!
Now when these people go to you to talk to you about this…. they’re doing it because… *drumroll* they feel safe to talk to you! ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)
When you basically brush it off or say that sucks and other things along those lines, you basically invalidated them and said you don’t give a shit what they have to say. That you don’t want to hear about it, and your comfort is more important than their feelings. (｢๑•₃•)｢ ʷʱʸ? ⁀⊙﹏☉⁀
They go to you to say they’re hurting emotionally, don’t tell them they’re strong for talking about it then change the subject. That’s invalidating, and I’ll tell you why, because you’re changing the subject from something that’s making YOU uncomfortable to something that will feel more comfortable for YOU. You’re changing the subject to make yourself feel better not them. When someone wants to talk about it, you have no idea about the strength it took for them to do it in the first place. (꒪⌓꒪)
*(you know how it goes, one popup closes and another covers your screen (꒪⌓꒪) to leave you like that LOL)*
What am I to you? ¯\(°_o)/¯
I know I’ll never be anything more than amusement or pleasure for these guys. I’m not exactly the first person they talk to in the morning.
You see, my thoughts are, everyone has time to talk to someone; people prioritize who they want to talk to. If they’re not talking to you when they’re on break or have five minutes to themselves, then you’re not a high priority in their life. I think about this because of my marriage, because my ex barely ever made time to talk to me. He wouldn’t until we’d have a massive argument and I basically had to point out how little he talks to me or even tries to talk to me. Then he’d actually make time for me for a few months then it would regress back to that again. It was an endless cycle, for ten fucking years! (ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐
But with the dating sites, I don’t feel like anyone wants anything more than amusement, I’m struggling to find someone who I can talk to and genuinely be excited to talk to. I mean there’s one person but I highly doubt anything would ever come from that. We never talk about anything other than sex, I guess that’s what I get for having a tendency to joke like that when I flirt. Oh well, maybe I’ll meet someone else who I’m happy to talk to, and wants more.
I do want a long-term relationship, and it’s hard to find one. I struggle to connect with people, and most don’t understand that. I struggle to communicate and talk, how am I supposed to do this dating thing when I can’t figure out how to hold a conversation with someone more than half the time? Most guys get frustrated with me because I don’t ask very many questions. It’s not that I’m not interested, I literally have no idea what to talk about or what to ask. I have no idea how those conversations really play out in a healthy relationship. I’m trying. I’m sorry that I never learned this, but I’m trying to learn it now.