It’s a unicorn.

What is empathy? 

What is sympathy? How are they different? To sympathize with someone is to feel sorry for them, almost a pity in my opinion. Empathy, on the other hand, is to feel their pain with them. You aren’t shaming them for their pain; you are compassionate about it.  

Now, it’s been a few days since I wrote that. I was doing homework, and with my 100 tabs open in my head, I got a popup! 

I wonder?   

Did you read it? Are you guys still checking up on what I post? Wondering if I’m going to talk about how this quarter plays out?  

I’m asking that because I realized I sent a link to my site to the teacher I had an issue with and turned in my extra credit in a class.  

Now I’m sitting here wondering who read it at the school. I’ll tell you why…  

This quarter has started…   

Interesting, I think that’s the best way to put it. And if I’m blunt, I’m amused  

If my post about me reflecting on my year so far, along with the communications between the teacher and chair of the department. Then I find this intriguing, to say the least. Maybe I’m just looking too much into this and overanalyzing?   

Now, the question is, me using emojis in my post annoying and unprofessional to you guys? Do I seem uneducated and unskilled when I post on here? Am I considered a rude and undedicated person who doesn’t understand how to use vocabulary properly because I choose to use vulgarity in my posts?  

I have so many questions going through my head with all these tabs open. Yes, I am questioning where the damn music and talking is coming from.  

Now, I want to put this out there; this is a place for me to tell everyone what goes through my head due to my mental health.  

This is a place where I’m telling everyone what it’s like to be in my head. Isn’t that what these kinds of sites are for? Now, I’ve had this site since 2007, when I started it on Livejournal.com. I transferred over to here because I got nothing but spam and porn sites commented on my posts, and I was tired of it. I have an actual fucking spam filter on this bitch! <—- vulgarity the horror!   

I’m a sarcastic person, and I’ll tell you why I’m like this.  

Because growing up, being constantly humiliated, bullied, and tore down by other people about how I look and my mentality. Teachers told me to get a grow thicker skin! That I have to ignore them. They justified the bullies as I grew up. They told me it wasn’t a big deal.  

You know, I thought about killing myself because of being bullied. I thought about KILLING MYSELF! For being BULLIED! I didn’t have anyone who stood up for me! The only people who did were my brothers, but I didn’t go to school with them all the time. They had their own problems with teachers.  

Like when a teacher grabbed my brother by the throat and threw him against a wall. He said he had every right to do it to my mother.  

Do you know how invalidating that is? Do you!?  

Unless you’ve been in a situation where you’ve been bullied left-right, and all around you, you don’t understand what it means to be that way constantly.  

Now, I got sarcastic, cynical, and critical because of how I was treated growing up and not only by my peers.  

And even after all this, I still have RESPECT for teachers! Because I’m not going to sit here and throw them all in a pile and say they’re all shit! I know everyone is different, and no one is the same. I understand that.  

Though, people don’t understand that when it comes to mental health. They don’t understand what the other person’s mental health is all about. Do I enjoy the I fucked up train? No. No one does. But are we supposed to be shamed for fucking up? Again, no. They don’t know what it’s like to go on the “I’m sorry I fucked up” train to everyone. I mean, really, do you know what it’s like to do that? How ashamed I am when that happens. I’m more ashamed when the person invalidates my feelings and basically said you screwed up and deal with it when they make it out like you are nothing more than a nuisance.  

Is that all I am? A nuisance?  Nothing more than someone who you’re dealing with until further notice. Did you inform the other school that I’m nothing more than a troublemaker and to be on the lookout? Am I a student or a problem?  

Then they condemn you because of that mistake. You have to live with it, and not just from them. You have to deal with it from those who they tell about it. Those people get a different perspective, and most likely, the story changes over and repeatedly.  

Now, I want to put this here as well; I can’t read your minds. I don’t know what you guys are thinking. Understand, I don’t know what social norms are because at the critical adolescent age that molds kids between 10-15, I was alone in my room. I didn’t talk to anybody. I don’t understand how to communicate with people. I have to be told I fucked up and how to correct it.  

I had to go to therapy to learn how to talk to people! I took those communication classes to learn how to talk to people! Do you realize that!? I have no idea how to communicate more than half the time because I never knew how to. I’ve only been learning how to do that since 2018.  

Fuck, you have no idea what it’s like to be in my head. How hard it is to talk and understand things. I’ve only ever asked for empathy, not sympathy. I don’t want you to pity me.  

I want you to say I may not understand what goes through your head and mind or how you feel, but I’ll stand here and help you to understand things. I’ll help you to understand this reality since you’ve only been in it for a short time. I’ll help you; I won’t draw a silver lining; I’ll stand with you while you’re in pain until you can stand on your own two feet.  

I have only ever asked for compassion. Right now, that seems like nothing more than a unicorn—a fairytale and wishful thinking. You have no idea how emotionally painful that is to be in a place where people basically treat you like a nuisance, crazy, annoying, stupid, uncaring, and a waste of time and energy.  

To be invalidated is painful.  

To have Borderline Personality Disorder, one reason is that the person grew up in an invalidating environment and/or trauma.  

Seriously, take a course by Marsha Linehan and learn about Dialectical Behavior Therapy and why it’s used for those with personality disorders. Maybe then you’ll understand how to approach and talk to someone like me.  

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