I’ve been dealing with a lot.

I want to do a post reflecting on what’s happened this year thus far.  

I want to start by saying I’ve changed a lot. I’m not the same person I was six months ago. When I found out about Brandon lying to me, our entire relationship being nothing more than an achievement, and he didn’t want to ask for a divorce because he didn’t want me to hate him or stop talking to him. 6 months ago, I would have flipped out so bad I would’ve probably hurt myself more than just starving myself for almost two months until I kicked him out.  

When I took the course Prevention of Sexual Harassment through SCC, it talks about it not only happening from strangers but in your relationships. This course made me realize how much I felt obligated to be sexual. We stopped having sex at the beginning of 2019. That’s because it was five months after I started Intensive Outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy (IOP DBT). I learned what boundaries are and when they’re being violated. I learned that if I don’t feel comfortable doing something, that person has no right to make me feel guilty to do it. I started saying no in my marriage, and it was also after I found out about the one affair, I had no idea about the others.  

When I confronted him in 2018, I cut myself, and I flipped out. I went berserk. This time though, I was calm, I yelled at times, but it was a matter of attitude. The times I yelled is when I realized he wanted the divorce for a long time. That he put his “career” on hold for us. You know what ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏᵧₒᵤ! He’s been thinking about it for longer than I know. He should not have ever asked me to marry him.  

But I’m different now. I’m calmer now, I’m gaining control of myself again; I’m processing things as best as I can. I’m still going to therapy every week. My therapist, all of them, has been extraordinary in helping me to understand things. I now take every chance I get to learn about my mental health. If my therapist recommends a book, I usually try and find it to read it. I’m constantly trying to understand myself and my own mind to stay in control of it.  

I started school at the beginning of the year. I enrolled in English 236, which is a creative writing class. Humanities 101 and discusses what makes up humanities. Then Math 107 teaches financial math in society.  

I absolutely LOVED English and Humanities! My teachers were amazing! Math, on the other hand, was a joke, really. We were basically expected to teach ourselves and were told to ask for help in discussions, which I did and wasn’t answered. I contacted the teacher at the beginning of the quarter and told her I was struggling; and told to seek out tutors. Her lectures were YouTube videos, okay. No problem with that, except when I did the work, and I got the correct answers but didn’t show the work the way she wanted; she wouldn’t give me partial credit. Really???  

I didn’t understand this material; I felt I was doing a scavenger hunt the whole time to learn the material. Last I checked, my tuition went to the teacher to teach us, not my peers. The only things she really did were post homework and grade assignments. Also, she posted announcements on how we had 90 minutes (about 1 and a half hours) to complete a test show every minute detailed step, and if we didn’t, it was marked completely wrong. I had time and a half because of DSS adjustments. But it was still not enough; I never finished my tests.  

When we had a project to do, she released it. I started working on it then she released an announcement that it was changed. I had to change things. I struggled to do it. I worked on it every day. I had to do the math and show it how she wanted it, or it was marked wrong. I ended up having a full-blown meltdown over it. I turned it in incomplete. I wrote that I wasn’t sorry, and I was having a meltdown over it because I don’t understand it.  

I didn’t stay in constant contact with her through the quarter, and that was because of what I was going through with Brandon. Also, our bank account got hacked, and my family having medical problems. I’ve been dealing with a lot emotionally, and I’ve been trying to keep my composure. I’m surprised I got the grades I did in my other classes. I wrote a letter to the teacher telling her I didn’t understand the material and I was guessing. I didn’t know I didn’t fully understand the material in the assigned book but never graded until after the exams. I was lost and confused. I wanted to know what I needed to do and explain why I haven’t asked for help outside of the family.  

People don’t realize I have not had the best experiences with teachers growing up. As a kid, I don’t know if it was because I was in special education or what, but they always asked me to define a word they felt was beyond my understanding. A simple word like comprehension or absentmindedness; Yes, they’re big words, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what they mean. I got tired of it, so I stopped raising my hand. I stopped asking questions. I just stopped being a student while at school. My aunt had to fight with me to go back to school and enroll in high school.  

When I went back to school, I had an 8th-grade education. I had to go through a program called ESD 101, and through it, they had me do an extensive amount of work. It was the last three months of my 11th-grade year when I was in it. I jumped from 8th-grade education to a college-level education in 3 months through this program. They waved all my credits to date, and I could go into my senior year and graduate on time. I ended up graduating with 1 ½ more credits than I needed. But I didn’t go to college. That’s when my mental health took a turn.  

I became a recluse. I never left my house. I had panic attacks so severe that they appeared as seizures. I have borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, attention deficit hyperactive disorder, and binge eating disorder. These are the things I have been told I have.  

I stopped living my life. I was merely surviving day today. It wasn’t until I was going through getting approved for Bariatric surgery that I had to go into therapy. That’s when I was put in IOP DBT. That’s when I took my life back. That’s when I took control of my life. That’s where I realized I could follow my dreams. I can have that dream job. I can succeed where others have told me that it’s too hard and I’d fail at it. I can do this!  

My mother and father were enrolled back into school. They told me how amazing the teachers at Spokane Community College were. It was because of them I decided to go back to school. I want my dream degrees, and I will have my dream job eventually.  

In my first quarter at SCC, I also had my Bariatric surgery too. I had surgery on a Thursday, and I was back to school on Monday. I didn’t let it slow me down. I kept going while I followed my doctor’s orders. I loved my first quarter! That summer, I got approved for work-study. I started work-study in the library in the fall, and I loved every minute of it. I don’t think anyone there knows about my love of the library and why it’s a comfort to be there.  

Here’s a posting of why I love it so much:  http://lilswanbaby.com/2021/02/16/life-update-sorry-it-has-been-so-long/

Anyways, back to Math 107, I contacted the teacher before finals and told her why I didn’t stay in contact with her, how I was struggling emotionally because of my personal life. I wanted to know my options before the final of what I needed to do. Her response was, you seem to be going to a lot. I can refer you to a counselor. I felt so invalidated and unheard. I was angry and hurt. I wanted to cry when I read that. I didn’t even want to respond to her. Was there even a point?  

I responded and said I see a licensed psychologist and professional therapist already; what can a school counselor do for me that they can’t already?  

Her suggestion, I can still refer you to a counselor; they also have tutors in the library and resources. That may be an actual classroom setting that would be better suited for me.  

I told her I know what the school has to offer; I was a work-study in the library last year. I know the resources there are. That I passed math when I took it online; The material was presented differently. We didn’t have to look to our peers for answers; That I go to school to learn from my teacher, not my peers. I didn’t have to do a scavenger hunt to learn the materials. Those classes had lectures, bookwork, MyMathLab, and the material was released at the beginning of the quarter for everyone to look at. I can do this work when presented and explain why something works and why it doesn’t. 

I didn’t get a response from her. I ended up talking to the chair of the math department because I sent her a letter about this situation. She called me, and we talked for about an hour and 15 minutes. In a fancy way, I was told that because I didn’t stay in constant contact with Ms. about everything, I basically have no choice but to make the grade I have. That I must choose a class based on who teaches it; Why should any student have to choose a class based on who teaches it!? I mean, really. I should choose a class and say I don’t understand something, or when an entire class fails an exam that the teacher takes a step back and says, WTF happened here? But no, we were told to work harder.  

Why isn’t it time to look at what is not working with a class at hand when everyone does poorly on an exam? WHY?  

How am I supposed to know what is expected on an exam and what the teacher wants in a formula when they don’t give lectures? How am I supposed to know what they are looking for when we ask for help? Do they refer us to the book examples or the tutors? HOW?  

While talking to the Chair of the math department, I had to concede that I would fail this class because I chose to take care of my mental health over pestering a teacher on how to be a teacher to her class. But no, I basically said I want her to acknowledge the first time a student has issues with the material and hear them. Not to tell them to work harder. I want a student to be heard when they don’t understand what is being presented.  

I felt invalidated again. I feel hurt. I’m taking my classes next quarter and transferring to Spokane Falls. I’ll do my math there. I really don’t think they should tell a student to pick a class based on who teaches it. The teacher should have compassion and understanding for their students. I haven’t been able to pass a math class with the two math teachers taught in this manner. The only time I pass is with the one they said since I pass with her, I need to stick with her classes. It messed up; in my opinion, they tell us to choose a certain teacher.  

I failed this math class with a 56.05 percent. And yet English, I got a 91.71 percent, and in humanities, I got a 94 percent. So, for them to tell me I should be in a classroom setting is not correct. I can do the work when explaining how and why things do and don’t work that I don’t have to wait until the next day for an answer if I get one.  

I loved my other two classes, and I would do them with excitement. The other teachers I had are awesome at teaching. I learned so much in their classes, and their classes make me want to take more classes on creative writing and humanities. I was thinking about posting my final portfolio I did for English. I can’t tell you how happy I am with it. I loved my final for Humanities. I had to pick from a list of movies, and Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho was on there! I was so happy to do my paper on that! 

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