(Now I’m reading this sometime after writing it, and it does make it sound like I’m playing games. It wasn’t intentional, I’ve just been through a lot, and I’m scared of it happening again. I won’t give my number out right away unless I feel genuine about who you are and what you want from me. I get really annoyed with using WhatsApp, so I don’t use it unless I have to. I want to make sure I’m with a man who can respect my decisions and not sit there and push me to what they want even if I say no. I shouldn’t have to go off on someone until they acknowledge my answer. Now back to your regular scheduled program!)
It’s only been recently that I’ve learned what boundaries are and what it means to have them in a relationship. Because to have healthy boundaries in a relationship shows you want respect for what and how you feel. When a person keeps pushing and violates those boundaries, they’re basically saying they don’t respect you or the relationship.
Since I’ve been dating again, I want to be in a relationship where those boundaries will be respected. So, I put boundaries in place. I don’t lie about things; I don’t jump into things like I used to. If I start talking to someone and ask for something, usually it’s my number, WhatsApp, or hangouts. If they ask for right off the bat, I usually say no. When they ask why I bluntly tell them I want to talk to them more before giving them. If they keep asking and pushing for it, I can see they don’t respect the fact that I said no. If they are willing to talk awhile before asking again and do it again, I might say yes. It just depends on how they talk to me and respond to me as we talk.
Everyone always asks, “What are you looking for on here?” I always respond with, “I’d like to find a long-term relationship.” I don’t expect to find a long-term relationship right away. But I want people to know I’m not looking to fuck around with any and everyone. When guys message me asking for sex, I ignore them. I won’t respond to someone who is just looking for a fuck. There’s an app for that, literally. I signed up, not knowing until I got on there and realized. I at once closed it.
I have had some interesting interactions since being on dating sites. I actually wrote quite a rant down, I’ll put it here for you if you want to get a kick out of it.
Warning, it’s a rant of a post!
This dating app shit has been interesting, to say the least. I’ve talked to several people when I was there. It’s so funny how they sat and asked for a serious relationship before realizing the intensity of BPD. Most said they understood. I would challenge that by asking them what they knew about it. Most would say they understood it. They wouldn’t give me a direct answer. So, I asked to have ever been around someone with it? Of course, the answer, “I can handle it,” like they had to be fucking macho about it. Many said they could handle it, and when I kept asking what they knew about it, they would finally answer not a whole lot. Bitch! Don’t sit there and say you can handle something you know jackshit about! Once the mood swings happened, they were like, don’t act so fucking crazy! Even if I warned them of what can trigger me. Then they used my BPD against me… assholes┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐!
One person had the audacity to say that I had a mental disorder because I was fucking fat! Are you fucking kidding me? He kept telling me that if I exercised, it would magically go away. I had to flat out tell him. It doesn’t fucking work like that! I exercised before I was on medication, and I still wanted to fucking kill myself! It wasn’t until medication and therapy that I stopped thinking about that shit! Then the jackass sat there trying to recommend that I handle my mental disorder he didn’t understand. I mean, really? You are not a fucking licensed physician. Don’t sit there and tell me how to handle my own fucking mental health! Oh, and according to him, if you don’t watch the news, your fucking lazy. He assumes I don’t watch it cause I’m lazy? Really? There’s a reason the first three letters of assuming spell out ass! I had to explain to him about having an anxiety disorder and a panic disorder that I don’t do to keep it from happening. But no. To him, I’m lazy. ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ.
Another person said they were in the military. Okay, cool! We were talking no problem. Then he wouldn’t answer any direct questions of mine. I got annoyed. Then he brought up the subject of money. Then said, “with you there, you could help me.” Sent a picture of his “account” that said a different name than what he told me and was on his uniform. He tried telling me it was his last name. Excuse me bitch! Your uniform said something else! I asked my family if they would do that, but a person’s middle name on their uniform instead of their last. Everyone said no. I asked him about that, and he avoided it like the plague. He wouldn’t answer me at all. Then tried to change the subject. I kept asking, and he didn’t answer. Then he asked for us to be in a serious relationship. I said no, I don’t trust him. I blocked him; he tried calling me. I didn’t answer. He made 2 fake accounts on the site and tried to talk to me. I’m not stupid… ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ. I even told him at the beginning of the conversation I have trust issues! I see what good that did… (¬_¬) I tell people I demand communication because of those issues and having BPD. The only time I don’t is if they have a ligament reason not to talk all the time but make a fucking effort to! ಠ_ರೃ. You know who you are…
Now, you know that I’ve been struggling mentally due to my separation and getting things together for divorce. I mentioned it to someone, and they told me because I don’t read the Bible every day and I believe in paganism which is evil gods. That is why I have a mental illness, and if I start reading the bible and following the true ways of God, I’ll be magically better. I can’t tell you how many times I smacked my fucking forehead while we talked!┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ. I kept telling him that’s not how a fucking mental illness works, and he wouldn’t listen to me. You know what? ┌ಠ_ಠ)┌∩┐ ᶠᶸᶜᵏ♥ᵧₒᵤ. Others told me I have to be happy.
Then we have Dr. Dude! Great at first, then guess who finds his picture online? Yours truly! He lied about his name. Interesting… I messaged him asking about it and why he told me he deleted his Facebook page when I’m staring right at it with a different name? He tried telling me he didn’t want me to know or think about his professional life. Then asked me to block the page. He demanded, not asked, demanded trust. Not long after that, he asked me for a picture of my ID and SS card. I said no. He tried to manipulate me into saying I can’t sit there and think he’s out to get me and trying to get the information out of me. I said no, I don’t give out that information to anyone. I didn’t give it to my ex-husband for the longest time, which is not a lie. I don’t hand out that information. That wasn’t the only thing; he asked for the login information for our phone account. Then he asked me to get on a plane to meet him. When he wouldn’t even get on camera to talk to me when I said I wanted to talk on camera, he flat out said no, and he’d lose his job and he’s in America working on a cure for Covid the past 8 months and he’s not allowed to leave the facility. Okay, here’s the problem with that. The real Dr. Dude, posted on Instagram, January checking in, Mexico City, Mexico. All the pictures this dude sent me were from the real Dr. Dudes Facebook and Instagram. Kinda fucked up that he was pretending to be him, and the real one, from what I read, is a great guy and quite the humanitarian.
The thing is, the first guy I talked to wanted my phone account information, and before that demanded trust without ever being on camera. When someone isn’t willing to talk on camera or even show understanding that I won’t trust them unless we meet in person, he is a complete idiot. I mean, do they really think I’m going to fall for that. When I’m told to do something before meeting someone and to fully trust them as a demand. I’m not going to. You are basically triggering my BPD to the fullest. I have trust issues to the extreme, and people don’t realize that. When I tried to explain it to them, they would say they understand, but really, they wanted to say they did so I would shut up then do what they asked. They would do the exact same thing Brandon did to me when he wanted me to do something. I’m not falling for that BS anymore. I know what to look for. I know when I’m being manipulated. When you’re turning the situation around so I’m to blame, and you are no longer at fault or diverting the subject. You are trying to manipulate me.
Now that brings me back to boundaries. These people use manipulation to get past your boundaries. They will guilt you and coarse you into thinking you have no choice but to do it. When someone does this, they don’t respect you as a person; they only want what’s on their mind for themselves. They’re looking for you to confirm them and to feel guilty for confronting them or asking questions. They don’t want you to have control of the situation. It’s how they turn it, so they control the situation and the worse of you; in the end, that is emotional abuse.
Please think about all the times you didn’t want to do something, but they made you feel guilty for not doing it. They pressured you into doing it. They told you that if you didn’t, you didn’t love them, or you were acting like their ex or some other person. They are manipulating you to help them. Not you. They don’t care about your feelings. They may say they do, but really, they don’t. They want to control you and make sure you do what they want and say to go about doing whatever it is that they know will hurt you emotionally. They will sit there and break your boundaries again and again. That is why I’m using boundaries to test a man and how much he will respect me as a person and the relationship.