This mask I wear, it’s normal. I’ve been wearing it since a child. People don’t understand that I don’t do it with the intentions of lying or betrayal. I just don’t want them to worry. I know the pain of worry, wondering, and loneliness.
I have been trying to undo so much of this bullshit in my mind through therapy. But I’m struggling. I’m struggling so much! I’ve been trying to stay strong emotionally, but really I shut my emotions off. With everything happening with Brandon and me, financially, my math class, among other things, I’m struggling. I had a meltdown last night. I’m certain I’m going to fail math and be put on academic probation again or suspension to where I’ll have to appeal it again, and if I fail these classes this time around, financial aid won’t let me back. I’ll be a failure. I don’t want to accept that reality.
In the meantime, I have to find work or something. I’ve been trying to put scholarships in but haven’t been awarded any yet. I’m trying to figure things out so I can keep going to school. I’m just struggling so much lately emotionally, and most people don’t realize that. They say they understand BPD, but when the mood swings happen, I’m suddenly too much this or that. I’m so fucking sick of it! I’m trying to work on writing my fantasy world down and new poetry. I know working on my website and writing is going to take time and a lot of work. But I’m going to do it.
People don’t really understand my mind and I know that’s because I’ve never really let anyone into the dark side of my mind. But I want to make a confession:
- With this, I am not encouraging self-harm or suicide. If you feel you’re going to hurt yourself in any way call this number
- The crisis text line: Text HOME to 741741
- Please reach out!
- You’re not alone!
- You are loved!
- You do matter!
- Your life is worth it!
- I love you!
I never went through with killing myself because I couldn’t bear the idea of others feeling emotional pain. I loathed the fact I was alive, but I couldn’t handle the idea of inflicting pain onto those I love. My friends and family mean the universe to me. I don’t think I’d be alive if I didn’t have them. People don’t realize that because I never talk about it. No one really knows what goes on in my head. I struggled to handle emotional pain, so I turned to self-harm. But not in the form you think, I turn to food or starving myself. I either don’t eat at all, or I eat till I get sick. I don’t force myself to eat; I just binge until it happens or I feel sick, and after the feeling leaves, I go back to eating. It’s why I’m so overweight. I don’t know if people really understand why I turn to food for emotional support. It’s because it was the least obvious way to suppress my feelings. It’s how I learned to cope as a child when people teased me or made fun of me at school. I would just eat because if I was a fat ugly pig, I might as well act like one, right? So I would eat and eat and eat, I wouldn’t bath or take care of myself because that’s what pigs do, right? I felt disgusting. I felt worthless. When you grow up and go to school after school, and that’s what kids called you, it’s eventually what you believe.
I have been working in therapy to stop believing all of this. It’s been a struggle. I’m NOT going to go through with suicide. I got the semicolon tattooed on my arm to remind myself where I used to be and where I am now. I’m stronger now than I used to be. But that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I struggle so much when life hits so hard at me I feel everything at once. I was going to do this in a separate post, but I want to post it now. I wrote a poem for English about my head day to day with Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope reading this, you’ll better understand my daily emotional battle with myself. Here is the poem written out and a video I made for it.