I haven’t lived like you…

A few people told me I’m inspirational for what I’m doing and accomplishing. But, in reality, you have inspired me. You all have been living your lives while I was stuck far, far away, to a world I never gave a name; I only ever called it My Fantasy World. Yes, I’m talking about things now. I’m telling everyone what’s in my mind now. I’m excepting reality. But, I haven’t lived like you. I haven’t been able to deal with or handle reality as it is. What I learned in school I warped into my world. What I learned and saw was always warped into my world. It wasn’t the happy parts of what I learned. I focused on the darker insidious side of things. I wanted to know the things that people turned their backs on. Because I felt everyone turned their back on me, especially in school. That I should learn about what people turned their backs on and what they misjudged the most. I started to dress goth because it’s what people hated to see. I felt normal when it happened because I felt they didn’t want to acknowledge me anyway. Why not be apart of a world they avoided?

Everyone kept saying it was nothing more than a phase to go back to being a girly girl. It never happened. I ended up hating the color pick because everyone said it’s a girly color. After a while, I started to get anxious at the thought of even wearing it or having anything with it. I didn’t want to be “normal” because I didn’t feel normal. I was also not in reality itself. Reality itself has been hard for me the past few years, but I’m working my ass off to stay in it. I won’t lie. There have been times I have disassociated and just went back to that world. Mostly because it’s the only place I feel understood emotionally. But I realized I haven’t let anyone know my emotions for so long I don’t know how to communicate my emotions to be understood. I had to go through intense therapy to learn that.

I was on medications since 2014, and I didn’t go to therapy until I was trying to get bariatric surgery. My insurance required it, lol. But, it’s the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I learned to stand on my own two feet. And when I found out about Brandon cheating that time, I had IOP DBT for support. The therapist and people there understood my mental state and what I was going through emotionally because the therapist work with people with BPD and the people there had it. I’m not saying my family didn’t support me. They did through it all. I should’ve listened to them and dumped his ass at that time, but what can you do? I made a choice, and I had to deal with the consequences. I’ll admit I’m mentally better to handle things ending with us now than I would’ve back then.

Everyone has more life experience than I do. I don’t think people realize I don’t have the experiences like they do and the emotional understanding that they do. I’m having to learn how to actually communicate with people and I took communications classes for it. I’m trying to understand things emotionally. Do I flip out over little shit? Yes. Because I don’t know how to cope with it, I never learned like everyone else. When I got emotionally dysregulated I would just shut down and disassociate into My Fantasy World. I was able to cope better there. Why? It was a place of familiarity. Anyone with anxiety will understand that when being in a familiar environment your anxiety goes down a lot. So that’s what I did, because I couldn’t emotionally cope.

I didn’t get into reading until I was 15, and that was because of my aunt Selynda. She introduced me to Manga. I couldn’t get enough, lol then I started to watch anime and Japanese dramas and Korean dramas. Then she introduced me to the Harry Potter series, and I just kept reading. Before this, though, I actually did terrible in school. I actually wonder how the fuck I got to the grade I was in. She pushed me to register for Havermale Alternative School that she went to and enrolled. I was so behind in my credits. I was supposed to be in 10th grade, and I didn’t have a single credit for highschool. I was put in a program that was basically doing classes online but on campus since it was the middle of the school year. After I got classes, actually and I was still a loner at that time. I still didn’t work very hard at my education. The counselor talked to me and told me I wouldn’t graduate at this rate and suggested I go through a program called ESD 101. I had to take a test to get in there, which I failed 3 times. I was doing online classes on campus until I could pass the test. I got in during the last 3 months of the school year. When I got in, I had a 6th-grade education. While I was there, I studied and worked hard. By the end of the 3 months, my grade level was 12.9. This program waved all my credits up until a senior year, but the catch was I had to keep a b+ average or higher otherwise lose everything.

I worked my but off and got all A’s and B’s except for 1 c, which was due to absences’ from having my tonsils removed. Took me a month to recover from it. I graduated with 1 1/2 extra credits than I needed. I did a speech during graduation breakfast and announced to everyone who was to speak. Though, I did end up having a laughing fit in the middle of it. They almost told me to go sit down, lol. I was in the choir that sang during it too. I was the first out of my brothers and me to walk across the stage and get a diploma. I wanted to try and working before continuing with school. That’s when my mental health went to shit. My intense panic attacks that are called pseudo-seizures, started happening. I became a recluse and didn’t leave the house. I didn’t talk to anyone. I only met Brandon from a damn dating site. He moved in 2 weeks after moving up here from Hawaii.

Emotionally I wasn’t stable, and I wasn’t happy. I know how to act happy, so no one sees my feelings, but I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I haven’t actually been happy until after going on my medication and being in therapy. I’m excepting this side of me instead of denying its existence. I know I have a mental illness, and I’m not afraid to admit it anymore like I used to be. I was scared of being judged and ridiculed, but now I just frankly don’t give a fuck! I’ll wear a sign that says I’m a crazy bitch, and I really don’t care what people think. I’m so sick and fucking tired of the stigma around it. OMG being on dating sites and telling someone about it is the most fucking comical shit you can see. I want to be upfront about it to see if they’re going to be judgemental about it. It tells me if they really want to understand it or if they’re going to hightail it the other direction because they basically heard me say, “I’m a fucking psycho! Date me!” So yeah, LOL. Am I amused about it? Yes! ┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐LOL.

Anyways, I’m learning to live my life the way everyone else has. I’m not saying I don’t remember anything; I just remember good things. The only bad things are the ones I haven’t been able to push out of my head. The ones I obsess about, like anyone with BPD. We tend to obsess over the shit, either extremely stupid or massive. We remember our emotional heartbreaks and our emotional happiness because we feel it so intensely. People don’t understand the intensity of our emotions. There’s no between with us. We either feel everything to the extreme or nothing at all.

One of the other things that have helped me is writing. I write because of Selynda. She got me into reading then into the idea of writing more seriously. Yeah, I wrote a few poems as a kid, but I didn’t really start writing more than that until she. We used to stay up all night and just write stories. Or we do games of each of us say a sentence and the other adds to it with a new sentence making a short story. It’s why I always say my hamster fell off its wheel now, lol. We literally had a story about that. I enjoy being creative with writing, and I enjoy learning, and it’s because of her. I haven’t lived like she has, but I’m trying to live my life. I started that when I started therapy than going to school. I’m going to keep going to school and getting the degrees I want. I’m going to open my business. I’m going to pray for my family’s happiness and health every day like I have been since a child.

I love everyone more than they know. I look up to you guys more than you know because you know more than I do when I comes to living life. Understand I don’t know what it means to really live my life in reality to the fullest. But I’m trying. I love you, I hope you have a blessed day! ٩(*❛⊰❛)~

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