Understand me

Many people hear BPD and don’t think anything about it or automatically think the person is “crazy.” What we really are is scared; rejection more than anything, and subsequently, we will sabotage the relationship because, in our minds, we don’t deserve it. We either don’t feel deserving of it, or that person will leave like all the rest, so why not speed up the process? That’s what goes through our minds, especially when meeting new people. It’s hard for us to trust people because we have trusted it’s been shattered beyond repair. Going into new relationships is terrifying for someone with a personality disorder. Giving someone all our trust right out of the gate is unrealistic for us mentally. It’s why when I went on dating apps recently, I was very upfront about having BPD. I wanted them to know what they were going to have to deal with in a relationship. Also, see if they didn’t know about it if they would actually take the time to learn about it so they could understand how things work in my mind.

Atlas, I’ve decided to give up on that; if someone wants to be with me, they’ll make the fucking effort. I’m not going to fight to have anyone in my life. I’m so fucking tired of fighting! For now, if it happens, great! If a man isn’t willing to work to be with me and educate himself about me, I’m better off alone. I deserve compassion and understanding. I’m learning how to control my mind, and people don’t understand that. I’ve had a challenging time allowing people to be part of my life romantically. I’ve always been treated like a fool. I’m tired of it. I’ll be damned if it fucking happens again! All my relationships have been the same, and I want something different. I don’t want to keep repeating the same fucking pattern over and over; otherwise, nothing will ever change. I think these pictures best sum up how I am as a person with this disorder. but this is just a scratch of the surface. These are the reasons I demand communication so damn much in my relationships, so I don’t fucking erratically spiral out of fucking control.

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