I’m not stupid.

I don’t know how many people know how it feels to be treated like they’re stupid. Like they’re a complete idiot their whole life, and when that person is treated that way starts getting pissed about it, they’re invalidated and told they’re crazy. Fucking story of my life, especially with men.

I’ve always been treated like an idiot, even by teachers growing up. I would ask for help, and they would tell me it’s not that hard to figure out and then tell me the answers. I was constantly invalidated when it came to my intelligence. It’s the reason I’ve always been so self-conscious of it, and I’ve never really spoken up when I knew something.

I was better off in my fantasy world, where no one told me I was stupid and incompetent. People don’t understand why I went into a fantasy world all these years and why it’s so hard for me to face reality as it is. I’ve been in a marriage with a man I thought I knew but didn’t. I’ve been manipulated and emotionally abused and, yes, even hit physically in a past relationship.

But WHY have I always been the crazy one?

They don’t know something or ignore their questions to understand things better is incredibly invalidating by telling someone. It shows that they don’t care to help you understand things or learn things. It shows how judgmental a person is towards other people when someone says something they don’t agree with or piss them off. It makes me wonder how much that person respects and values the person they’re talking to?

Do they value the relationship as a whole or only their wants and needs? Are they willing to learn about what it means to have a mental illness? There are so many questions I have that haven’t been answered. I mean, if you have a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, no matter what it is, fucking educate yourself on it!

Because all you end up doing is causing their mental illness to go into an erratic spiral out of control! I mean fucking seriously, if that person can’t educate themself on the mental illness involved in the relationship, they shouldn’t ever make any promises to be understanding about it. They should NOT use it as a way to say you are crazy, and this is all that it is. Instead of providing answers to the questions, said, “CRAZY” is fucking asking!

Why is it too much to ask to have a man who listens, communicates, is willing to learn anything and everything, wants me in their life no matter what? Why is my perfect man only a dream? Fuck, I start crying at the thought of the only man who will actually care about me as a whole is nothing more than a dream. I mean, I know there’s someone out there, just where?

Here’s my fantasy, man lol:

I want to talk about him now,

Nickolias DelricVon – He’s a sweet man but also a man who knows hardship. He didn’t have things handed to him, and he knew the value of hard work. He’s a teacher and has taught people of all ages, but his favorite to teach is middle school kids because he loved to see them learn something and realize they could actually do it. He didn’t think all kids learned the same, and if a kid were struggling with their work, he would sit with them until they found a way for them to understand the work.

He has 2 Ph.D.’s, one in History and one in Linguistics. He’s a recovered alcoholic and strives every day to better himself so that he won’t slip back into it. He understands what it means to have emotional dysregulation and strives to understand it and better himself. He always wants to learn. If he doesn’t know something, he will go, “Damn it! I’m going to do everything I can to know about this if it’s the last thing I do!” But most importantly, he’s understanding of me and does everything not to invalidate me.

He can sing because his best friend’s dad is an air elemental and said, “If you’re going to sing around me, you’re going to fucking learn how to do it!” lol. That’s Sky for you. Sky also taught him how to play a stringed instrument I never gave a name to, along with a flute. Sky’s wife Sierra taught him how to dance to seduce a woman while with her son Kay lol properly. I love Sky and Sierra’s story; they’re so funny.

He never learned to cook because the one time he did, he burned it so bad that his family just told him to stay away from the kitchen, lol. His adopted brother asked how he passed chemistry, too lol. He may have lost his father to murder, and his mother died after giving birth to him, but he loved and valued his family. I love that about him.

What does this man look like? He’s 6’5″. He has black hair speckled with white because it’s a birthmark. He has brown eyes, medium skin tone, & body is well defined; I mean not muscular but not fat, just well proportioned.

I want to add that I don’t dream of a man who endures a nightmare. I want someone with compassion and empathy, someone who is understanding and doesn’t criticize me all the time. I put this as his past because he became such a heavy alcoholic and recovered from it. He is by no means perfect. We don’t have an ideal relationship in my head. We fight. But we always try and communicate why we’re so mad at each other in the end. Again, this is NOT something I want to happen to someone. It was just the back story I gave him.

His father raised him alone when he was born until 11 because his uncle murdered his father, but he didn’t do it out of hate; he did it out of fear. His brother had to choose the life of his brother or his wife and daughters. Someone forced his hand. Nick watched the whole thing while hiding in a cupboard that his father shoved him into when his uncle rushed in. It was bloody, but somehow Jr. flew through the window confused but jumped up and stopped Nick’s uncle. He tied up his uncle and found Nick in the cupboard crying. Being Velenthian, he had a gift to communicate and control animals, and he grabbed Nick and ran out of the house, jumped on a beast I never gave a name to, but it looked like a cross between a horse and a lizard. Silly, I know. They ran to the Velenthian embassy where Jr.’s father was and told them of everything.

Nick had to be taken to an orphanage until placed. That’s where he stayed until 12. but he never forgot his father. His father taught him the value of education and to be compassionate to others. But at the same time, he was angry about everything happening. He lived with his godparents and was adopted by them but was never named a family member. Nick was given the best education because his father made sure there was everything in place for it. He wanted to feel closer to his father, so at 16, he learned to blacksmith and jewel craft the way his father did. He even followed his father’s last design for a ring he would’ve given his mother.

I know I said in another post about him going into slavery, and that happened when he was 19. he went to propose to the girl he thought he loved, and she just wanted to use him for her gain. The Sand Kats that took him killed her after they escaped the lands and into the sands. The Carvarians attacked them, but no one knew they were people because no one ever saw them in their human form. They were trying to stop them from taking Nick. He was held captive for four years, and during that time, his eyesight was messed up and almost completely blackened from the torture he endured. He has no memory of how he came home, but he knows he woke up feeling bedding and hearing his godmother’s voice. It took two surgeries to correct his vision for the most part, though he still needed glasses for reading.

He got heavily into alcohol after his escape to the point he made it himself so he wouldn’t have to go out and buy it. It wasn’t until he ran out of alcohol and went to the bar that instead of taking the time to make it, he had a flashback of being a slave. He attacked a man to the extreme and went to jail. During the trial, the King let the man’s wife, whose son was with her, ask him why he did it. Nick didn’t give any clear answers until King Joyous walked over and had the 6-year-old boy come over and look Nick in the face. And told the boy to ask his mother’s question. He made Nick look at this boy in the front and explain why he beat his father. It was an emotional thing for him to look at a child, a little boy, and tell him his father might die and the reason. Nick saw his face looking at the child. He was given life-long probation so long as he never touched alcohol again; the moment he picked up the bottle, he would go back.

He stayed sober, with the memory of that boy’s face in his mind. He lived through the torment of his memories for that boy because he would rather suffer than see another child suffer the way he did after losing his father.

Nick is a man of compassion; he doesn’t think of himself. He thinks about others before himself because he rather suffers than see someone else suffer. So to not think about his past, he buried himself in books. He went back to school got a second PH.D., and he does everything not to think about his pain to turn to alcohol. He’s the type of person who will try anything to educate better himself to be a better man.

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