Why this matter to me.

Communication to me is essential in a relationship, romantic or not. Because without it, there virtually is no relationship. Without it, two people become strangers who happen to see each other, or live with each other, say hi, and walk away; that’s having acquaintances, not a relationship. I’ve learned with therapy and taking communication classes that communication is essential to having relationships, especially healthy ones. With learning those things, I learned how I was avoiding things or attacking to the extreme. I couldn’t handle getting criticism or give it without belittling a person. So, that’s why I’ve been working so damn hard to better that about myself. It’s why I look and think about the four horsemen in relationships. I know those are my main faults in a relationship, especially romantic ones. I’ve never cheated on anyone or even given another man from reality the time of day. Have I fantasized about the one I made up since I was young? Yes, I have, but that’s because he’s my dream man; he’s the man who was there for me when I needed someone to love me when no one would.

I know I can be difficult to love at times with my mental disorders, and yes, I get confused easily when my anxiety kicks up to the max. But my dream man looked past that, hugged me, and said, “We’ll get through this, now tell me what’s bothering you? I want to help you find a solution to your problem if I can.” and if I just wanted to listen to that’s what he did. I don’t understand why I had to fantasize about someone who did that, especially while being married. There really was no communication between Brandon and I. Fuck, he didn’t even know I had my nipples pierced for the longest time ლ(ಠ_ಠლ) I think that gives you an idea about communication and physical affection with us; since I’ve had them done since I think October 2019 or November 2019.

I don’t want to go back to begging someone for their time and energy. If they give it to me, that’s amazing! If they don’t, well, they better enjoy the view of my ass because I will walk away. I’ve dealt with that type of bullshit for way too long, and I want a relationship where the person wants to spend time with me. Where they want to have communication to the fullest. I don’t want half-assed shit anymore, and yes, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want from a relationship since my separation from Brandon. That’s what I want, along with someone who values time with my family and friends as much as I do. I don’t want to be with someone for the fact of being with someone; I want them part of the family. I want them to look at my family and say, “I’m happy I’ve met you and became apart of this family.” Not someone who runs in the opposite direction (¬_¬).

I want to be the person they think about first thing in the morning and the last before they sleep. Why has that been a stretch? So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m not going to fight for someone’s attention. If they want it, they will have to tell me they want it by showing it. With their actions, not just words; words are pretty and all, but if your actions don’t match what you say, then they’re just empty promises that you’re trying to feed me, and that’s nothing more than manipulation to get what you want. I’m not dealing with that again. ಠ_ರೃ

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