Writing helps

It’s another week into the year.

So, I went and talked to a counselor about my math teacher. She told me if I fail the class, I’ll get a warning from financial aid, and they’ll pay for me to retake the course. I know I need that math for future math classes. So, I really want to pass it and learn it. I just wish I was learning from a teacher that actually cared about your learning. I mean, if you’re working on a problem, he’ll just ask what your doing then give you the answer to the question without explaining how to get it. I get so frustrated with that, and I don’t know how to approach him about it. I’ve asked him how he gets the answer, and he just starts talking about something else that has nothing to do with what I asked. I really want to learn, but its hard when the teacher doesn’t care about you learning the material.

On a positive note, I’m going to see a therapist Wednesday. I was on Psychology today looking for a therapist, and I found someone who was a counselor in my DBT program. I thought it was her, but I wasn’t sure. She emailed me back telling me it was her and said she went into private practice. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I found her on there. I know she’ll help me, and she knows about BPD and DBT. It really helps when you have someone who understands the therapy needed for someone with BPD. Maybe e she’ll be able to help me understand why I feel this way.

I really want to feel more than I do. It’s frustrating not knowing or understanding why I think this way. I don’t know if I need to change my meds or if I just need someone to talk to about everything, and that can help me find solutions to this feeling. I know she’ll work with me and help me to the best of her abilities. I really don’t like feeling empty, and like I can’t communicate with people. I want to have those connections that I see others have, and I just don’t have that. I just don’t know how to connect.

I’m sitting in the bakery here at school, waiting for Brandon to get done. I already ate a danish and now eating chips. I’m in P.E. to help me monitor what I eat and my workouts. I guess I’m not doing an excellent job at my school work.

I do know that writing all this out helps. I’m trying to figure out what to do, so I don’t feel as I do. I want to try and keep up with my blog. I know it’s kind of a new years resolution to do this, but I really want to work at it, so it’s not just during this year but for a long time to come. I know there’s a lot of studies that show writing things out can help a person with how they feel. Granted, it won’t tell me why I feel the way I do, but it’ll help to ease those feelings. I really want someone who can help me with figuring out why I’m the way I am, and that’s why I’m going to see a counselor.

So, it’s a new day. It’s Saturday, and it was nice to sleep in the past 4:30am lol. I’ve been waking up that early all week since now I’m working in the library that early. I did plan on going to the gym and checking the post office today, but I think the only thing I’m gonna get done is going to the gym. We have no hot water in our house, and it’s going to cost an arm and a leg to fix it, so we just go to the gym to shower. I don’t mind; it gives me an extra excuse to go there. I take the opportunity to go there as an excuse to get a work out in.

I’ve been loving having Japanese vegetable curry. It’s been so long since I’ve had it and it’s been a nice change to our usual foods. I really enjoy cooking. I really want to do the culinary school, but I want to finish what I started studying. After I finish studying to be a librarian, I’ll go get my degree in culinary and pastry. I know that means I’ll be in school for the next 6 years, so yeah.

I’m reluctant about the math, but I’ll do what I can, and hopefully, I won’t fail it. I talked to a counselor about it, and she said if I fail it, I’ll get a warning from financial aid, and they’ll pay for me to retake it, but if I fail it again, they’ll suspend me from financial aid. Even though I hate that class, I’m still going to try, it’s just hard when the teacher doesn’t really care. I think I’ll go to the tutors sometime to try and help me with learning the material.

Brandon thinks I’m weird because of the way I eat a swiss roll. I basically deconstruct it as I eat it. I do that to that and to a 3 musketeers. I know I can eat some things unconventionally. I’m also very particular about how items are cooked and washed. It makes me very agitated when things aren’t cooked a certain way or put away a certain way. I don’t know if I’m OCD, I haven’t been diagnosed with it so, for now, I’m going to say I’m just particular about how it’s done.

Well, I haven’t been on here to write for a few days only because I felt really drained mentally. Over the weekend, I worked on just homework and then vegged out. I watched movies and ate fattening food. Yesterday I started out at 4 am I went to school. Worked from 7:15 am to 9:15 am then from 9:30 am until 10:15 am I was in class though I left 5 minutes early talking with my group member about how airheaded the teacher is. We both feel the same way about him and his teaching style. We’re planning on meeting this weekend to study. At 10:25 am I made my way to ASL and had fun in that class, I always have fun in there. It’s my favorite class. After I caught the bus and made my way to Project Beauty Share, and I was there from noon to 2:00 pm. I slowly made my way downtown stopping on the road at the post office, then I met Brandon downtown and had lunch at subway. I came home, and I was exhausted. I worked on homework and went to bed at 6:00pm.

So, today I woke up at 4:30am and got up taking the dogs out to potty. Brandon started his new job last night, and it was overnight. I met up with him downtown this morning. I was so worried about forgetting something of Brandon’s that he would need for school. I forgot to take my morning medications. I couldn’t focus while there, I just did my shift at the library and then made my way home. I also just don’t want to be around anybody. I really need to talk to a therapist. I just want to recluse myself and shut myself off. I’m still eating really unhealthy. Even though I’m tracking what I’m eating, I’m only in the mood to where I don’t care about anything. I was so out of it at work they could tell. They offered to take me home just to get my medications. I politely declined. I don’t know how to say to them; I just don’t want to be around anyone. That I’m struggling mentally. I feel like crying all the time. It does help being put on tasks at work cause that means I’m not thinking about anything, and I’m just going through the motions of the moment. That’s the main thing I like when I’m busy is I don’t have time to think. Being too much in the head is frustrating; it makes me so emotional.

I could only imagine what people at work would think of my blog posts. I don’t want them to have hurt feelings. I just can’t help how I feel right now. I could only hope they would be understanding.

It’s hard to believe that this year is already 6 weeks in. It feels like last year went by really fast, even though it was tough emotionally.

Tomorrow is just my intake with my new therapist. I want to talk to her about everything, but I have to wait until our next meeting. I’m seeing my doctor for my medications Friday. I want to speak to him about how I’m feeling empty and alone. If I need to change medication to something else or bump something else up. Then Thursday I’m going to the restaurant at the school with mom dad and Richard. The dogs also have a vet appointment that day, and they’ll get the last of their shots for the year, and then we’ll be able to socialize them and take them places. We’ve been refraining from taking them outside the house and our yard due to not having all their shots. They told us Parvo can stay in the ground for up to 7 years. We wanted to take all precautions with them, so they don’t get sick. I’d feel terrible if they got ill, and it’s because we didn’t have them completely vaccinated. I want to socialize them and show them off around the town. THey’re such pretty puppies! I know everyone at work loves them. My boss always says that Angel is his then corrects himself and says our dog. I tease him and say I want puppy support lol. Also, after we get them their vaccines, we’ll be able to take them to dog obedience training. I want Angel to be trained as my service dog. My emotional support animal is my kitty Yuki.

I got a call to do a group interview at Torrid. I wanted to go so bad; I just have my medication doctor that day and time. I called them back and told them. She said they’ll make a note of it and would put me on the list for the next round of interviews. I really hope I’m able to get a job there. I think that would be a super fun job to do. I just hope they’d work with my volunteering schedule. If I have to take time off of school, I will. I’ll try to finish out this quarter and next quarter. I’d only have 2 more quarters to do, then I’d graduate with my general AA transferable. I’ve always loved going into that store. They know how to make you feel welcomed and excepted.

It’s Tuesday, and I’m doing better emotionally. Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. I still need to see a therapist I’m not better in that aspect. Today is all intake while I’m there, and hopefully, I’ll be able to make an appointment for next week. I want to talk to someone who is a neutral party, and I can basically spill all my thoughts and feelings to and will be able to help me make sense of my thoughts. I’m glad I’m seeing someone I know from DBT, and I know she’ll actually care about our appointments.

I’m sitting here in the bakery at the school waiting so I can get a coffee. I kept waking up last night. I think it was cause Brandon was at work all night and wasn’t there. I’d roll over and just have fluff in my face. The dogs took over his side of the bed while he was gone. I know they miss him. Angel kept whimpering when he came home after his first night gone. I want to talk about the pups all the time lol. They just make me so happy. Watching them grow is fantastic, and I can’t wait until they get fully developed.

But writing does help me so much more than I remember. It’s been so long since I’ve actually sat down to write. Coming on here to write out my thoughts and feelings is helping me to a point make sense of things. But it also helps to keep track of my emotions. I wonder if I should start labeling my posts like I would a DBT post? Maybe my new therapist will help me figure that out. I know some people will take a picture of themselves every day to show how much they change from day today. I want to get back into expressing myself with my clothes, especially with dressing goth. I miss it. I haven’t dressed full-on goth since the beginning of September. I miss it. I think I’m going to find all my black clothes and get back into dressing that way. I just have to go through my clothes and put stuff away. I can’t find a couple pairs of pants, and it’s bothering me. I don’t know where they are. Maybe I’ll do my makeup and dress full on and take pictures. I’ve lost a great deal of weight, so I know my dark clothes are going to be loose. But I know it’ll be fun to do my makeup and get all dolled up just for the fun of it. I can see the only endzone what people at work would say lol.

I definitely feel more alert today. Yesterday I was just dragging ass. I hate when I get that way cause then I get more moody. I’m going to talk to my medications doctor about it on my appointment Friday.

I have to do a makeup test in math today, and I forgot my homework. I’m going to see if I can email it to him since I forgot about it. I’m sure he’ll say okay, but you never know with him. I hope I didn’t miss too much in ASL yesterday. Since yesterday I just wanted to shut out the world. I’m wondering if people at work could tell I was like that. I want to say so much to them, but don’t feel that I can. I just don’t know if they’d understand why I do and say the things that I do. I don’t know, it’s not like talking to Cindy. She’s so understanding and non-judgemental. Maybe I should just take a day go set her and the kids and just be for a day or weekend. I think when I have time between homework, work, taking care of everything at home, and appointments, I should just take a day and see them. I miss spending time with them.

I’m at work right now, then I’m going to class, heading home, eating real quick, then going to the bank after, going to my therapist appointment. I’m not sure if I have anything else today, I don’t think I do besides homework. I need to study for my test in ASL. I can only hope she goes over it today in class for the one where we’re being signed to. Then find out if we’re doing the test where we’re signing to her that’s in the book or if it’s another one.

I have to say that I’m on my phone more in the morning at work than I am in the afternoons. I really should do something lol.

They say if you have anxiety, you shouldn’t drink coffee or will caffeine, but it tastes so goooooood! I barely got any sleep last night, yet I’m so awake what’s up with that? Lol. Maybe it’s the coffee 🤣.

So, I talked to mom on the phone, and she said my brother found a place we could afford that allowed cats and dogs. We’re going to go look at the home today and ask questions. I found out what test we’re doing, and it is the one in the book for ASL. I can practice that and put it into ASL form. I know I overthink it and I over sign some things, but I just can’t help it. I want to get better at doing it.

So far, only a couple people told me they like the long format of writing day by day than posting it. So, this super long post is for them! Lol!

So, yesterday I went to my counseling appointment, and we talked for a few, almost forgetting the time, so we went over the time slot by a couple minutes. It was nice to talk to her again. She wants me to do some mindfulness for when I reach for junk food and when I gorge myself with food. I’m trying to make a note of what I’m thinking about when I go for it and so far I’m thinking about school and what I need to do for homework. Haha, so my stress is the school for now lol.

I went to look at a place to possibly move to when mom and Richard. Looks like mom, Brandon, mom, Richard, me, and the girls are going to be moving in together. I don’t mind. It’ll be nice to see them a lot more. Yes, it’ll be a little cramped, but I don’t mind. We’re cramped now, lol. But the place is super lovely, and we’d be renting from them. They said they take care of everything no matter what, they’re pet-friendly with a one time fee for the pets, and if we can get a letter saying they’re a service animal of any kind, that fee will be waved. So, I got to talk to Tobi about possibly doing that. I had one for Rocko, but it has his name on it and won’t be able to pass it off for Angel. If not one for Angel, I want one for Yuki cause he’s my emotional support animal. I’m going to have Angel be my service animal with the proper training. That’s why I want them in obedience school. Oh, and the girls have rats. I love them! When they got them, they didn’t know one was pregnant, and now they have 10 rats lol it was only supposed to be 2.

Oh, a shocking thing happened last night! Yuki and Angel were actually lying next to each other! It’s surprising because he doesn’t like the pups. Here didn’t wake up when she laid down next to him.

Awwwwww the picture is too cute😍!

Yes, I’m one of those people who freak out over their pets, lol!

I really want tp grey my tattoo colored in I just have to wait for taxes. If Patrick took credit cards, I’d have it done already lol.

I have to say I’m in a good mood today. I think I really needed to see and talk to Tobi yesterday. I’m going to be seeing her on Wednesdays as a recurring appointment. I think talking to someone that understands BPD really helps.

Today, mom went to see her primary doctor, and then we have lunch, then it’s the veterinarian for the pups sp they can have their last shots, including rabies. We’ll also see how much they weigh. I hope mom was okay with putting the pups in the kennels. I don’t want her to hurt herself.

Man, it’s slow here at work, but I don’t mind it. Though I should read the shelves 🤔… I’ll think about it lol.

No one’s told me what they want me to talk about here, so I’m just doing my random thoughts. I hope whoever reads this doesn’t mind. I want to talk about different things. I’m just not sure what.

Hmmm, oh, in history class that’s online, I was put in the Indian gaming group, and we’ll explore Native American rights and the reasons behind having casinos. We were told my dad’s grandmother was full-blooded Cherokee, so I’m supposed to have some native American in me, but it doesn’t show on my DNA thing from ancestry. Maybe the amount is too small for the test. But I’ve always felt strongly about their rights and the rights of those around me. I want to learn more about the histories. I wish I could’ve attended the native American history assembly. Is assembly the right word for that maybe conference? Hmm, I don’t know… 🤔… but my history class is writing heavy, and I like that since writing helps me emotionally. I just have to finish reading the material and go on into the research for Indian gaming and talking to my group members. I wonder who’s in my group?

So, I went to lunch with my mom, dad, Richard, and his daughter Izzy at Orlando are the restaurants at the college. The food was so good! Here are pictures of what I got.

First, a salad is a Chinois Salad,
Mixed greens| carrots | snow peas | bean sprouts | crunchy won tons | Chinois dressing

For the main, I got Fried rice, but I asked them to add Kimchi to mine. This picture is without the Kimchi; it’s just what the picture that my husband got during his tasting of it.

Pineapple Cashew Fried Rice (Malaysia)
Stir-fried with ginger, lemongrass & curry | mixed vegetables |egg | toasted coconut | sweet chile sauce | lime

This what the dessert and it was my favorite! But I also love cheesecake lol.

I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Though Brandon got in trouble for something that was out of his control and they blamed him for the kitchen being backed up and someone taking over someone else’s table. I told him to talk to his teacher and ask why he was getting in trouble when that stuff was out of his control. His teacher apologized and agreed with him that he didn’t have control over that type of situation.

We went to the vet for the pups, and Angel weighs 38.1lbs, and Daisy weighs 35.5lbs. They have all their shots now and can go to obedience training. I still want to take them through training.

So, Yesterday I didn’t get a chance to write here after school. Yesterday I went to class and passed my ASL test. I tried not to overthink it, and I did better than usual. Though, I need to make sure not to drop my hands while I’m signing. I did that a lot, and I think it was because I was doing it while I practiced. I went to the store for cereal got Brandon an energy drink and donuts to Valentine’s day. We did really celebrate it aside from that.

I have a three day weekend. Monday is a holiday, so I won’t be going to project beauty share that day because their won’t be any mail that day. The sense I changed my work schedule I’m going to be able to go on Tuesday. I know they’re going to be surprised lol. I really look forward to the days I get to go there and help out.

I hope who ever reads this enjoys it. Thank you for your time on reading my blog.

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