Hello February!

So, mom’s surgery went over well. It sucked. I couldn’t be there with her, but dad was there. I stayed home and made sure the dogs were taken care of. We didn’t want them in their kennels for a long time. She’s recovering well, mostly just trying to keep the pain at bay. Mom told me to go still to project beauty share Monday. I told her I’d go, but I won’t lie. I will be worrying about her. I’ll see how she’s doing the night before then I’ll decide if I’ll go or not.

My job interview went okay. I don’t feel confident about it. They said they’ll let me know in a week or two if they’re going to hire me. I’m not going to hold my breath over it. So, I’m still putting in applications to different places. We’ll see if I get hired somewhere else. I figure if even I don’t get hired, the experience itself is worth it. It’ll help me mentally just going to the interviews to feel comfortable doing them. Brandon has a job interview at a place called the satellite dinner Monday. He put in for cook, but they’re going to interview him for the dish pit. It’ll be good if he gets hired. We need money right now. I’m going to be still working at the library. Though I changed my schedule to 7:15 to 9:15 am sense, I’ll be going to the school so early. They said that it works out because they don’t have anyone for the mornings at that time. I can also work on Monday’s now because it’s in the morning and not after class. After class, I’m always going to project beauty share. I know I talk a great deal about project beauty share, but I love what I do there. I know it’s not a whole lot, but they always tell me I’m helping a great deal even though it doesn’t feel like it. I enjoy helping people so much.

My tattoo is healing great. I didn’t bruise by my elbow. He said most people do. I guess I’m just so open about my mental illness and having known about the semicolon movement for so long, and I find it strange that people still don’t know about it. I get so choked up talking about it and what it means. I’m admitting to considering suicide and planning on going through with it. I chose not to end my life. The look on people’s faces that I thought makes me emotional. Knowing I’m exposing myself to that depth. But the only way to end the stigma around mental illness is to talk about it openly. I’m going to eventually get a bat and some flowers on the other side of my arm. I’m going to work on having a whole sleeve done slowly. I want it to be bright and full of life. I can’t wait for my current one to heal so I can go in and get this one finished. I want to get this one done before I most onto another section of my body. Which will be the Thailand painted bat. I love the black and orange color of them. I want to have it on my chest. As they say, once you start you can’t stop lol.

https://www.google.com/search?q=thailand+painted+bats&newwindow=1&sxsrf=ACYBGNSpJTB-2-vbKnyQlN1XuwbwdvF75g:1580527449258&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiBuq7Js6_nAhVM_J4KHcn-DYsQ_AUoAXoECBAQAw&biw=1366&bih=655

I’ve been trying to work on my homework all day. I got what math I needed to get done online. I still need to do the book work. I read what I needed for history. I still need to write my paper for it. Oh, I still have some reading to do. There’s just a lot of text and some I can’t print out to read. Reading on the computer makes me so nauseous. I try to take as many breaks as I can when I come to looking at screens. I even get nauseated when reading books! How sad is that?

So, I spent the day working on homework. I didn’t get it finished, but I made a dent. I still have to do the book work out of my math book and make my replies on my history discussion. Oh, and I need to make a video for the ASL discussion. I have no idea what to record. I need to make a video about the weekly vocab while telling a story. I’m not very good at loan signs either, which that’s what the main thing is this week. History had so much reading to do that it took me so long to do it. That’s why I mostly only got history done today and not the other stuff. My history teacher assigns a great deal of reading and writing. I was prepared for the paper, just not all the reading lol.

I’m trying to find someone who can help mom with the dogs while I’m at school. I’m probably not going to go to project beauty share if no one can help her. I also need to go to the bank and pay for the storage place tomorrow. Mom isn’t allowed to drive for a while,e so I can’t ask her. We’ll see if I can catch the buses so I can get home at a reasonable time. Though, I do have to wake up really early to catch the bus with Brandon. Then I’m going to go work at the library then go to class. I’ll probably leave ASL early either way so I can catch the bus downtown. I just realized I can pull the money from my account at the school. Then I’d just have to make my way to the storage place. There’s so much to do and not enough time to do it. I think I’m going to need coffee and a lot of it Monday.

So, it’s the next day, I’m having a hard time coming up with stuff to talk about on here, so I’m going to write on my Microsoft word until I feel it’s enough to post. I don’t want to post just a paragraph and leave it at that. But maybe I should do that. They say the more you post, the more likely you’ll get followers. I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet. Until I decide, I’m going to do it this way.

I got my math done to a turn in tomorrow. I can’t believe tomorrow is Monday. I’m not going to go to project beauty share so I can come home and help mom. She’s going to have a hell of a time with the dogs while I’m gone. The math book work is a pain to do because the teacher will dock you if you don’t put the “label” on the answer. He seems a bit OCD about it too. He appears to grade it not by if the answer is correct or not but by if he feels you did a good enough job. This was coming from a teacher that put everybody in groups and doesn’t teach anything. He said you’re in your group figure it out. If we ask him a question, he talks about something else and feels he explained what was needed to be taught. I really don’t like him as a teacher, and his teaching method sucks balls. Yes, I’m bitching about it because my tuition paid him to teach us, and he’s not doing that. If I fail the class, I’m not going to retake his. I just don’t understand why he thinks that the teaching method is how we will learn the material. I instead take this class entirely online than with that idiot again. (end rant) lol

I’ve been so consumed with homework that I forget to do other things. But I forget to do my P.E. homework; I just can’t seem to make it to the gym. I’m supposed to do 150 minutes or more a week. I’m apprehensive about not doing it. I’m wondering if my depression has something to do with it. I’m slowly getting better with my depression. It’s just taking the time, and I’m impatient. Maybe now that I’m working at the library in the mornings, I can do my workouts after school, just so I can get my time in. I got to try and get weights in and cardio in, we’ll see how tired I am after school lol.

I’m home, yeah, I’m not working out lol I’m way too tired.

I got to school, and I started the day at the library when they opened. It was funny, one of the librarians was talking about how the therapy helps with emotion regulation. I kind of interjected and asked if she was talking about DBT. She said yes, and how I knew that. I told her I went through DBT therapy for a year. She asked me if I felt it helped. I said yes, I went from being a recluse and reluctantly going to the store to going to college and work. I told her why I was in DBT and that I have BPD, Bi-polar, anxiety disorder, and a panic disorder. That my panic attacks can be so intense, they appear as seizures. They were quite surprised to hear that. They said they really appreciated that I shared that. I also went on to tell the librarian about the skills that are taught and how it helps. I also told her about a book called the language of emotions that I read while in DBT. I also told her that the founder of DBT is Marsha Linehan and that she’s the one who started the therapy. She said she really liked that I’ve been through it and that she was going to talk to her sons’ doctors about him learning the skills. I’m glad the information I told her helped her with wanting to know more.

Today was in all an okay day, I still have homework that I need to get done I’m just lazy about it. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. Waking up so early took its toll on me, and I’m going to keep doing it. What did I get myself into lol?

I’ve been dragging ass all day. I’m so exhausted, not physically but mentally. I didn’t sleep very well last night so that could have something to do with it. I need to do homework, and I’m struggling to do that. It’s that point in the quarter where I wonder what the fuck, I got myself into with the classes lol. I start questioning if I should continue or give up. I know I won’t give up; I just contemplate it. I just feel like I’m not doing as good as I should be. I just must remind myself that I’m learning, and I’m probably not the only one who feels this way. I’m really considering going into the culinary program after I get my associates. I know I could change my major, but I want to finish what I started. I’m finding I’m doing small things to try and self-sooth myself. I’m trying to remember that I need to take care of myself; otherwise, I won’t be able to see things through, and I’ll just mentally shut down. I think the biggest thing is I fear what I don’t know and isn’t what they say if it scares you; it’s probably worth wild. I keep trying to remind myself of that. So right now, instead of mulling over my homework trying to perfect it, I’m watching the hobbit and writing more on this post. I have to say February’s first week has been stressful.

I’m struggling emotionally…

I can’t help but feel so out of place. I have such a hard time connecting with people. Whether it be with the daily news, political, and not. I have no idea why I feel this way… well, actually I do. They said in DBT that those with BPD have a harder time emotionally connecting with people. I just don’t know how or what to talk about. I don’t think the people around me at work understand that. I just can’t seem to connect… I guess that’s why at times I feel so alone even when I’m around people. I know I’m not alone, and I have those around me, but emotionally I feel empty or lonely. Like I’m sitting here at work, and I feel so alone. People talk to me, and I don’t feel. I wish it wasn’t like this, I want to feel more than what I do. I want to connect but can’t seem to find that niche to do so. I hope I can feel more in my next job. I don’t know… sometimes I feel so much at once that I don’t know how to respond. So when I do return, I’m aggressively reacting. I think I’m hiding at work and at home in spontaneously combusting. I want to feel more smoothly if that makes sense. I’m frustrated with myself and my feelings. I want to be like other people, but at the same time, I’m scared of being that way. All I can do is try to be more balanced when I’m home and mouse through the motions at work.

So, today in math class, I just got pissed off and had enough. I’m going to see the counselor about my options if I can drop the course or if I can’t pass due to not being able to learn the material. That fucking teacher doesn’t teach anything, and I’m not the only one that doesn’t like his method. I had to use google to learn my fucking lesson. The girl laughed and said, that’s what she’s been having to do at home. The girl in my group asked if I was stuck, I said yes, and I’m learning more from google than that stupid class. I was so pissed off that I just skipped ASL and came home. I figured I’d go into my ASL class blind for my test. I was only so done with today.

I didn’t want to go to class and snap at someone. My emotions were running high, and I didn’t know how else to react. I hate that I can go from 0 to 100 in a matter of minutes. I was feeling empty and alone at work, then I got to math, and I just got pissed off at the world. I know it’s from having BPD, and that’s why I react the way that I do. Sigh, I guess I’m just stuck this way because there’s nothing I can do about it except try and control my reactions towards things. I think my coming home was my way of taking a step back to look at everything instead of reacting. I feel that was probably the best thing for me to do. I have an appointment with a counselor for next week to discuss my options. But I do know I’m emotionally eating today. I just can’t seem to control my appetite while I’m like this. Falling back on old habits are comfortable, and breaking them again is just as hard as the first time breaking them. 

So, it’s a new day, and I decided I’m going to skip math to be gentle to my mental health. I considered going to the counseling office to see if there’s an earlier appointment that I can get in to. Maybe I’ll do that right after work. I wish I could just skip the clad and work, but I can’t. I know I’m going into my ASL test blind, but I guess that’ll really test my knowledge of what we learned so far lol. My parents told Mae to report that teacher and tell them that he grades on how he’s feeling and not if you get the answer correct. I don’t know we’ll see what the counselor says Wednesday unless I see them sooner.

I have to say going through the motions of what I’m supposed to do at work really calms me. I thoroughly enjoy what I do here. I worry that I’m just to myself too much if that makes sense. I know I said this before, but I really wish that I could easily talk to people like they can. I also like taking the bus. It’s time I can just be and not worry. I used to be terrified of taking the bus now. I can do it without a problem. I would panic if it got too crowded and just get off where ever before freaking out. Now I can take it and just be. I’m surprised at how far I’ve come emotionally, but I still have a massive way to go. I know I need to get back into therapy, which would help with relieving some stress to talk about my struggles with someone. It’s just finding a therapist that’s not a flake or candles because you’re the only appointment. I just stopped going to that one, and I’m going to find someone else.

Oh, I did a DNA ancestry analysis. Here’s a picture of what I got…

I find the results interesting. Mom took ancestry’s too, along with 23andme DNA analysis. She’s finding people she’s related to biologically. I don’t know if she’s contacted them. We did it because both her parents were adopted. She’s trying to get their birth records since they were released from being closed off. People who were adopted can now get their actual birth records and find the names of their parents. We want to see our blood-related families, so we can communicate with them and also find out medical possibilities. It would be awesome to find more relatives.

I’m wondering if I need to change medications because I feel so emotionally empty. Sitting here at work and I’m overthinking and feeling like an outcast. I know no one is trying to make me feel that way. It’s just how I feel. I feel like people talk to me cause there’s no one else to talk to, not because they want to. I’m not pointing fingers. It’s just how I feel about my surroundings and the people in it. There’s so much going through my head, but I need to remember the world doesn’t revolve around me lol. That’s what my counselor would say to me in DBT. I just don’t like the way I’m feeling.

Anyways, I’m going to leave this post at that.

Let me know if you like this format. With me talking about each day in a lengthy post or if you’d like separate posts for each day. I really want to know from the people who read my blog what they want.

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