I struggle but i get back up to face the day

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I didn’t do a whole lot over the weekend, I didn’t even do homework really. I know that’s on me. I shouldn’t watch TV, but I got hooked to the Great British Baking Show. I’ve watched 2 full seasons so far and now on season 3. I like it because the contestants aren’t out to get each other it’s not all drama. I don’t like watching a lot of TV because of all the drama. There comes the point when it’s ridiculous, and there’s absolutely no point to it. It really shows how greedy people are.

Well, I apologized to my teacher again about my panic attack. She’s letting me make up the test in her office. I not ready for it, but we’ll see how well I do. I’ve practiced the paragraph, but I think I’m overthinking it. When I do that, I add too much, and it can be more simple than I think. I really feel if I had someone to practice with that knows it would help. I just don’t know anyone who I can practice with.

I have my group interview at Torrid today. I really hope I get it. If I don’t, I’m gonna have to grind some more on finding a job.

So, how am I doing emotionally?

This quote really resonates with how I’ve been feeling lately. I’m pretending I’m not emotionally battling my mind every day. This mental battle has been hard, and I know it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I can’t wait to talk to my new counselor. I just feel really disconnected from people, and it’s bothering me. I know I’m stress eating because of school. She had me take note whenever I started eating junk and being mindful of what I’m thinking about and doing. So school is my stressor. I used to not eat when I was stressed now I can’t seem to stop. Struggling with my mental health is taking a toll on my homework.

We’re signing paragraphs in ASL. This week the class wrote out the paragraph that we have to sign. This is the paragraph…

Class paragraph 2/24/20

Bowling wars were on June 15th, 2019, at Cat Alley. The war was between SCC and them SFCC. Each team had 6 players. We had to commute via bus over a bridge. While on the bridge, the motor blows up, and we were late. An SFCC player took one of our balls. They denied it. A fight breakout, we were separated. Finally, we bowled with various balls, weighing an average of 6-15 lb. We won, but they disagreed. A special article that came out in the newspaper documented our 37-pt. Victory.

This paragraph is funny and going to be interesting to sign in my expressive test.

Last week our paragraph was…

I was born in Hawaii in 1992. I got my Driver’s License at 16. I graduated from high school on Saturday, June 10, 2010. I wanted to become a cop, so I moved to Alaska for college Summer 2011. After, I traveled to Scotland, France, and England. In Juno, I saw my first Moose and my first Alaskan sunset. I met my spouse and fell in love in the Fall of 2012. After I graduated on June 12, 2013, we moved to Texas. I got a job and then was fired. I found a better job and was satisfied.

I got 90/100 on this expressive test. I’m glad my teacher let me make up my test. I told her about my past and my mental health she agreed I need to get those supports back and she thinks I need to go back into DBT. I’ve been thinking about it, but I might just do what I can with my new counselor and see if we can do what we need to without me going back through the process of getting back into Frontier Behavioral Health. It’s a long process, and I’d have to take a day off from school just to do it.

I’d like to do videos of me signing so I can practice here, but I need to upgrade my WordPress account before I can load up videos. I might upgrade next month since its only $96 for the year. I should have the money next month from my work-study. We’ll see if I get the job at torrid. They said they’ll let us know in a week if we got the job or not. I want to practice my ASL more; I just don’t have anyone to practice with. I know I’d pick it up so much better I’d I had someone to talk to with it. It doesn’t help that when I’m talking to someone in ASL, my mind just goes blank, and I’m a deer in headlights. That’s why I need to practice with someone, especially with the new vocabulary. Maybe I should go to a deaf event and try to talk to someone.

So,  yesterday went well. I talked to my counselor, and we’re trying to figure out a plan of action for my private DBT lessons. She wants me to decide if I want to just be reminded of the skills or if I want a complete refresher. I’m kinda leaning on a comprehensive refresher. I’m thinking of also making the diary card application and keep track of what I’m practicing. I think that’ll be an excellent idea.

Mom put in to look at a house in Airway Heights. It looks nice, but we’ll see if we can get a showing and look at it with Richard. Since we’re going to be moving in with him and the girls. I’m honestly excited to be moving in with them. I really enjoy seeing them. Moving in together will also help my brother with taking care of the girls so he can get to work and not worry about not working. He has so much to worry about I want to help him and be a support for him. I’m thinking of practicing ASL with the girls. I know they’d enjoy it so much.

I finally am getting my voice back from losing it while being sick. I lost my voice after I was done being sick. So irritating. It’s not entirely back, but I’m able to actually talk without losing my voice mid-sentence.

Since I’ve been struggling with my mental health, I asked my professor for an extension on my homework that’s due. She was kind enough to do it for me. I only asked for a day, and she gave me a few days. I don’t know, we’ll see how long it takes for me to feel better. If I just have to wait the 6 weeks for the meds to get in and my system or if I have to see my medications doctor.

I really hope I get the job at torrid. I know I’ll be stretched thin with everything, but I know it’ll be worth it. But I need to get back into watching fashion trends. I used to watch them, and I knew I couldn’t pull them off, but I liked keeping up with it. But I also used to watch a lot of make and fashion YouTube channels.

I’m getting back into doing my homework, but I’m still struggling to do what I need to.

Well, I got a 94/100 on my ASL test. I have to remember my hand shape. I keep doing the way for possession and not for identity lol. Kellie-Marie told me I need to practice and try and remember not to do that hand shape. Or I should go see Tiffany and have her tell me every time I’m doing it and telling me to change it. I had a test in math yesterday, and I don’t know how I did. I’m pretty sure I did terrible. I won’t know until Monday how I did.

Brandon and I watched the show the Final Table on Netflix. It was terrific, I really liked seeing all those top chefs being on there competing. Then seeing the Very top chefs that are in the top 50 of the world. I watched them on another show on Netflix called Chefs Table. It showcases all the top 50 chefs of the world and talks about each of their stories and how they got where they are. I loved watching that, though I do need to catch up on it. I haven’t watched the last two seasons. I really enjoy watching shows that are not about the dramatization of everything. I think that is why I enjoy watching documentaries. It gives information without showing dramatization of the situations. It provides information and not someone trying to go after another for their own benefit. So, watching TV is not that high on my priorities list lol unless its documentaries. What TV shows do you like to watch?

Since being so depressed, the house looks a mess. I really need to clean it. I’ve just been trying to use what energy I have to do my homework. Even then, it’s not doing too well. I’m doing really well on ASL and history. PE is doing okay, I’m not failing the class, but I could do better. Math is suffering. But I’m also not doing very well with learning the information. He just doesn’t teach the material. I’m doing a group research project about Indian Gaming. I’m doing my part on the Spokane Tribe Casino located in Airway Heights, Washington. It’s just so close to Spokane, and there was a controversy about it being built. I wasn’t sure about what to do it on, so that’s what I picked. I want to talk about the controversy and about what the casino does for the community. So, basically, I want to analyze both sides of the dispute. I also found out that American Indians have the highest suicide rate among the different races in the country. I wish I could add something about that in my paper. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll do research about that on my own. I’d really like to take another English class. I just don’t know if I have enough extra credit points to take one. I know I need to use some for a computer class. But I think I have 10 extra credit points that I can do. I don’t know I meet with Cathy to talk to her about my classes this week on Wednesday.

I don’t feel like I did a very big post this week but I am trying to recover from an episode of depression.

Don’t got much to say this week 🤷‍♀️

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It’s the start of another week. I guess I shouldn’t start each post like that lol. Anyways, how is everyone doing? I hope all is well on your side of the screen. If not, I’m open to listening to your thoughts and problems. I’m more than happy to be there for you when you need it.

I’m trying to figure out what to talk about in this post. I’m at a loss for words at the moment.

We didn’t do anything for Valentine’s day. We don’t celebrate it. I think the only holidays we celebrate are Halloween and Christmas. I don’t include anniversaries as holidays.

Speaking of anniversaries Brandon and my anniversary for how long we’ve been together is 9 years married for 6 this year. We’re planning on getting a cake from the students at the school and having lunch there for our 9th anniversary. It’s not a matter of price for doing the stuff there. We just want to support the students and help them with learning. We really like the programs taught at the school and wish to support them. I don’t know if I want to do a traditional cake or a cheesecake lol or even a mouse cake! I don’t know I’ll have to talk to Brandon and see what he wants. We got a couple months until our anniversary. It’s on April 25. Our wedding anniversary is on October 29. It’s hard to believe we’ve been together for that long. I’ll definitely post on here of what we do on April 25 and October 29.

I want to go to places and eat different foods. I wish we had to money to go to places and eat food so I can talk about it here lol. I just love food. Everyone says I should be in the culinary program with how much I love to cook.

Well, I woke up with a nasty cough. I don’t feel sick, but I’m coughing like I am. So, it’s time to take in a lot of vitamin c and garlic. Hopefully, it doesn’t turn into bronchitis. Whenever I’ve had a cough like this, that’s what it turns into.

So mom did the DNA thing too, but she did it on https://www.23andme.com/ along with https://www.ancestry.com/. She’s looked on there and found possible matches to her DNA. She might have found a cousin in the UK. She needs to reply to their last email but wants me to proofread it lol. I told her I would just give me what she wants me to help her with, and I can do it. Here’s her DNA from 23andme.

And here’s her results for her ancestry.

I have to say we have a great deal of Irish and English in our blood. I’m not sure about my dad’s side, but I’d think it would be the other half of mine. I have to say it makes me excited to possibly find some relatives that are from our blood since my mom’s parents were both adopted. Mom’s looking to get their original birth certificates so we can find out their original names and where they were born. Mom has also been talking to someone on here who could possibly be a cousin of ours. They live in the United Kingdom, and they’re the nicest people. It’s fascinating to perhaps find a relative somewhere else and find out our blood families back story. If Brandon didn’t have what is in his blood on his birth certificate, I’d have him do a test too lol.

Yesterday was a holiday, so there was no school or project beauty share. Since there was no mail, there was no need for me to go to project beauty share. I have a strong cough right now, and I’m hoping I can get it under control so I can go to project beauty share. Brandon is thinking about volunteering at a homeless shelter and serve them food or help prep the food. Hopefully, he hears something from them. It would be suitable for his resumes and for scholarships.

I’m still putting in job applications, so hopefully, I can get a job outside of work-study that can probably be an all year round. Brandon and I are talking of going to Ferarro’s for dinner sometime, and I’m going to put in a job application while we’re there. I haven’t heard from torrid again, so I don’t know if because I couldn’t go to the one interview, they’re not going to call me for the next group interview. I think it would’ve been fun to work there. I really like going in there. Everyone is so bubbly and happy. I love environments like that.

It was funny when I was at work on Friday Mariam came in and saw me. She told me she misses me during the day. I thought that was so sweet. She’s pregnant, and her bump is so cute. She’s having a baby boy, and her daughter said to name him Ryan, so they are lol. I think that’s awesome they let her pick the name. I have to say she’s the sweetest person I’ve met here.

I’m so nervous about my ASL test this week. I need to practice it since it’s a paragraph and not a sentence. I have to practice nod, dropping my hands. I just got to find out if we’re doing a certain one or if we’re cam chose between two. I’d like to do the one I want b, ut if I can’t, I’ll need to translate the other into ASL. Everyone here told me to talk to one of the librarians since she used to be an interpreter. We’ll see if I don’t speak to her I’m going to try and get in to see the tutor. I need to go to the math tutor sometime since my math teacher doesn’t really teach.

I felt like doing my makeup for the first time in forever. I forget how much I enjoy the process. I need to get back into taking care of myself again. So I tried a new foundation. We’ll see how I do through a school day though it’s still winter, so it should last no problem. It was weird doing my eyeliner with my contacts in, I’m not used to being able to see while I do my liner lol. I usually go by feel, and this time I could actually see what the hell I was doing lol. Need to practice with contacts in cause I had a hard time for being able to see you’d think it would be easier lol. On my next check, we’re going to go do our taxes. We’ve got to do that, and we need to get the dogs in obedience school. That’s going to be $60 per dog, so $120 total. They also need a grooming angel is looking a little rough lol. They also need their nails ground down. They’re a bit sharp. But yea, they’re going to learn to sit, wait, leave it, and a few other commands along with teaching them not to jump. That’s a big thing cause daisy full-blown jumped and knocked over mom onto the couch. So yeah, obedience class is necessary.

I’m sick with a viral infection that can possibly turn into bronchitis if it persists longer than 2 weeks, especially if I get a temp higher than 104. So, I’ve stayed home. I have meds to help me breathe because it’s making it difficult to breathe, walking from building to building. I came home early yesterday cause of my breathing. It kinda freaked me out. The coughing is intense, and it’s making my head hurt and throat swell up. I’m using cough drops like crazy, but it seems to be the only thing that helps to stop the coughing fits. I feel like shit, but I need to clean the house. I think I’m going to try and clean up a bit. I’m trying to get homework done since I’m stuck at home. I got my history for the week done. I’m hoping my temp goes down enough so I can go to class and do my test. I’ll probably be eating cough drops like candy, but at least they help the coughing fits. I don’t want to miss any more days. I’ve lost enough due to mental health and physical health.

So, I made me to school for my test lol. Sick as a dog, but I’m here. I don’t have a temperature, so they said I’m not contagious around people that only if I cough on someone.

While I was sick at home, I looked into trying to find our biological relatives. I found a nonprofit organization called W.A.R.M. they said they could help us, but it’ll cost money. They require another $600 for both grandparents. They want$50 to start just to see if they were born here in Washington. If they weren’t, it might cost more. Oh, and we’d have to sign a contract saying we won’t look ourselves and won’t post pictures or anything trying to find them we’d also have to turn in the DNA test results we did to them. I want to do it because they gave access to resources that the general public doesn’t. Mom said she’s going to talk to Selynda and Floyd to see what they want to do. We told them we want to talk to them and see what they want to do. I really think it’s a good idea.

Why is it when I don’t feel well, I don’t get much to say. Maybe it’s a mental fog. You’d think it has a lot to say since I’m not in school when I’m sick, and even when I did come, I still didn’t have much to say. 🤷‍♀️

So, Yesterday I almost had a panic attack. Shocking I know, I haven’t had one in so long it took me by surprise. I couldn’t think on what to do or how to react so I basically ran away. I needed to take my test, and I freaked out because I didn’t know we were taking the expressive test yesterday. I thought it was receptive. I was wrong, and I freaked out. I wrote the teacher apologizing and explained why I did what I did. She told me to make an appointment to take my test. I asked her when she’s available. I figured it was better to ask when she’s available instead of saying this is when I’m available. You make time. I’ll make time for her. I have to deal with the consequences of my running away. Even though I don’t feel ready for the test, I’m prepared to do it today. I don’t know if it was because I was around so many people, and that’s why I freaked or what. I don’t know; I just got to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I got a job interview at Torrid on Tuesday. I’m happy! It’ll be an excellent job to have, and I know it’ll run along with the bus schedule. I just hope if I do get the job, they’ll work with my school schedule until summer.

I haven’t heard from my teacher, so I think I’m going to have to wait to do my test.

I can’t help but feel so disconnected from people at work. I don’t know. I want to feel more than I do, but I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t let my med increase get into my system enough yet. I just want to eat and shut myself in. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control emotionally. I don’t like this feeling. I haven’t felt this way in a long time, and I don’t like it. I wonder if I’m just taking on too much or if I need to change my meds or what. I’m at a loss of what to think or feel.

So, I’ve signed up for math 87 again since I’m having such a hard time with this class. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to take it over. I was told financial aid will pay for it one more time. I want to make sure I’m understanding the information before I get into higher math. I’m not getting that in this math class, but I do need to go meet with the tutors again. I’m signed up for ASL 123, basically ASL 3. I’m going to try and get my nerves under control, so I don’t have another freakout. I have to say that a panic attack scared me. I don’t want to have a seizure-like panic attack in class around everyone. I guess I’m just embarrassed to have them, and I don’t want anyone to see them who haven’t already. I haven’t signed up for my 3rd class, yet I’m going to talk to the counselor and see what I should sign up for since I can’t remember what my academic plan was. I have to follow that plan before I transfer to the falls for the rest of the librarian technician program. I told one of the librarians that I was going for that, and it surprised her lol. I want to keep working in a librarian setting. I really enjoy it. I’m going to keep an eye out for jobs for the libraries around here and see who’s hiring. I just want to learn more languages so I can communicate with those around me no matter their language.

Well, until my next post on Saturday, have a good day!

Writing helps

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It’s another week into the year.

So, I went and talked to a counselor about my math teacher. She told me if I fail the class, I’ll get a warning from financial aid, and they’ll pay for me to retake the course. I know I need that math for future math classes. So, I really want to pass it and learn it. I just wish I was learning from a teacher that actually cared about your learning. I mean, if you’re working on a problem, he’ll just ask what your doing then give you the answer to the question without explaining how to get it. I get so frustrated with that, and I don’t know how to approach him about it. I’ve asked him how he gets the answer, and he just starts talking about something else that has nothing to do with what I asked. I really want to learn, but its hard when the teacher doesn’t care about you learning the material.

On a positive note, I’m going to see a therapist Wednesday. I was on Psychology today looking for a therapist, and I found someone who was a counselor in my DBT program. I thought it was her, but I wasn’t sure. She emailed me back telling me it was her and said she went into private practice. I can’t tell you how happy I am that I found her on there. I know she’ll help me, and she knows about BPD and DBT. It really helps when you have someone who understands the therapy needed for someone with BPD. Maybe e she’ll be able to help me understand why I feel this way.

I really want to feel more than I do. It’s frustrating not knowing or understanding why I think this way. I don’t know if I need to change my meds or if I just need someone to talk to about everything, and that can help me find solutions to this feeling. I know she’ll work with me and help me to the best of her abilities. I really don’t like feeling empty, and like I can’t communicate with people. I want to have those connections that I see others have, and I just don’t have that. I just don’t know how to connect.

I’m sitting in the bakery here at school, waiting for Brandon to get done. I already ate a danish and now eating chips. I’m in P.E. to help me monitor what I eat and my workouts. I guess I’m not doing an excellent job at my school work.

I do know that writing all this out helps. I’m trying to figure out what to do, so I don’t feel as I do. I want to try and keep up with my blog. I know it’s kind of a new years resolution to do this, but I really want to work at it, so it’s not just during this year but for a long time to come. I know there’s a lot of studies that show writing things out can help a person with how they feel. Granted, it won’t tell me why I feel the way I do, but it’ll help to ease those feelings. I really want someone who can help me with figuring out why I’m the way I am, and that’s why I’m going to see a counselor.

So, it’s a new day. It’s Saturday, and it was nice to sleep in the past 4:30am lol. I’ve been waking up that early all week since now I’m working in the library that early. I did plan on going to the gym and checking the post office today, but I think the only thing I’m gonna get done is going to the gym. We have no hot water in our house, and it’s going to cost an arm and a leg to fix it, so we just go to the gym to shower. I don’t mind; it gives me an extra excuse to go there. I take the opportunity to go there as an excuse to get a work out in.

I’ve been loving having Japanese vegetable curry. It’s been so long since I’ve had it and it’s been a nice change to our usual foods. I really enjoy cooking. I really want to do the culinary school, but I want to finish what I started studying. After I finish studying to be a librarian, I’ll go get my degree in culinary and pastry. I know that means I’ll be in school for the next 6 years, so yeah.

I’m reluctant about the math, but I’ll do what I can, and hopefully, I won’t fail it. I talked to a counselor about it, and she said if I fail it, I’ll get a warning from financial aid, and they’ll pay for me to retake it, but if I fail it again, they’ll suspend me from financial aid. Even though I hate that class, I’m still going to try, it’s just hard when the teacher doesn’t really care. I think I’ll go to the tutors sometime to try and help me with learning the material.

Brandon thinks I’m weird because of the way I eat a swiss roll. I basically deconstruct it as I eat it. I do that to that and to a 3 musketeers. I know I can eat some things unconventionally. I’m also very particular about how items are cooked and washed. It makes me very agitated when things aren’t cooked a certain way or put away a certain way. I don’t know if I’m OCD, I haven’t been diagnosed with it so, for now, I’m going to say I’m just particular about how it’s done.

Well, I haven’t been on here to write for a few days only because I felt really drained mentally. Over the weekend, I worked on just homework and then vegged out. I watched movies and ate fattening food. Yesterday I started out at 4 am I went to school. Worked from 7:15 am to 9:15 am then from 9:30 am until 10:15 am I was in class though I left 5 minutes early talking with my group member about how airheaded the teacher is. We both feel the same way about him and his teaching style. We’re planning on meeting this weekend to study. At 10:25 am I made my way to ASL and had fun in that class, I always have fun in there. It’s my favorite class. After I caught the bus and made my way to Project Beauty Share, and I was there from noon to 2:00 pm. I slowly made my way downtown stopping on the road at the post office, then I met Brandon downtown and had lunch at subway. I came home, and I was exhausted. I worked on homework and went to bed at 6:00pm.

So, today I woke up at 4:30am and got up taking the dogs out to potty. Brandon started his new job last night, and it was overnight. I met up with him downtown this morning. I was so worried about forgetting something of Brandon’s that he would need for school. I forgot to take my morning medications. I couldn’t focus while there, I just did my shift at the library and then made my way home. I also just don’t want to be around anybody. I really need to talk to a therapist. I just want to recluse myself and shut myself off. I’m still eating really unhealthy. Even though I’m tracking what I’m eating, I’m only in the mood to where I don’t care about anything. I was so out of it at work they could tell. They offered to take me home just to get my medications. I politely declined. I don’t know how to say to them; I just don’t want to be around anyone. That I’m struggling mentally. I feel like crying all the time. It does help being put on tasks at work cause that means I’m not thinking about anything, and I’m just going through the motions of the moment. That’s the main thing I like when I’m busy is I don’t have time to think. Being too much in the head is frustrating; it makes me so emotional.

I could only imagine what people at work would think of my blog posts. I don’t want them to have hurt feelings. I just can’t help how I feel right now. I could only hope they would be understanding.

It’s hard to believe that this year is already 6 weeks in. It feels like last year went by really fast, even though it was tough emotionally.

Tomorrow is just my intake with my new therapist. I want to talk to her about everything, but I have to wait until our next meeting. I’m seeing my doctor for my medications Friday. I want to speak to him about how I’m feeling empty and alone. If I need to change medication to something else or bump something else up. Then Thursday I’m going to the restaurant at the school with mom dad and Richard. The dogs also have a vet appointment that day, and they’ll get the last of their shots for the year, and then we’ll be able to socialize them and take them places. We’ve been refraining from taking them outside the house and our yard due to not having all their shots. They told us Parvo can stay in the ground for up to 7 years. We wanted to take all precautions with them, so they don’t get sick. I’d feel terrible if they got ill, and it’s because we didn’t have them completely vaccinated. I want to socialize them and show them off around the town. THey’re such pretty puppies! I know everyone at work loves them. My boss always says that Angel is his then corrects himself and says our dog. I tease him and say I want puppy support lol. Also, after we get them their vaccines, we’ll be able to take them to dog obedience training. I want Angel to be trained as my service dog. My emotional support animal is my kitty Yuki.

I got a call to do a group interview at Torrid. I wanted to go so bad; I just have my medication doctor that day and time. I called them back and told them. She said they’ll make a note of it and would put me on the list for the next round of interviews. I really hope I’m able to get a job there. I think that would be a super fun job to do. I just hope they’d work with my volunteering schedule. If I have to take time off of school, I will. I’ll try to finish out this quarter and next quarter. I’d only have 2 more quarters to do, then I’d graduate with my general AA transferable. I’ve always loved going into that store. They know how to make you feel welcomed and excepted.

It’s Tuesday, and I’m doing better emotionally. Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. I still need to see a therapist I’m not better in that aspect. Today is all intake while I’m there, and hopefully, I’ll be able to make an appointment for next week. I want to talk to someone who is a neutral party, and I can basically spill all my thoughts and feelings to and will be able to help me make sense of my thoughts. I’m glad I’m seeing someone I know from DBT, and I know she’ll actually care about our appointments.

I’m sitting here in the bakery at the school waiting so I can get a coffee. I kept waking up last night. I think it was cause Brandon was at work all night and wasn’t there. I’d roll over and just have fluff in my face. The dogs took over his side of the bed while he was gone. I know they miss him. Angel kept whimpering when he came home after his first night gone. I want to talk about the pups all the time lol. They just make me so happy. Watching them grow is fantastic, and I can’t wait until they get fully developed.

But writing does help me so much more than I remember. It’s been so long since I’ve actually sat down to write. Coming on here to write out my thoughts and feelings is helping me to a point make sense of things. But it also helps to keep track of my emotions. I wonder if I should start labeling my posts like I would a DBT post? Maybe my new therapist will help me figure that out. I know some people will take a picture of themselves every day to show how much they change from day today. I want to get back into expressing myself with my clothes, especially with dressing goth. I miss it. I haven’t dressed full-on goth since the beginning of September. I miss it. I think I’m going to find all my black clothes and get back into dressing that way. I just have to go through my clothes and put stuff away. I can’t find a couple pairs of pants, and it’s bothering me. I don’t know where they are. Maybe I’ll do my makeup and dress full on and take pictures. I’ve lost a great deal of weight, so I know my dark clothes are going to be loose. But I know it’ll be fun to do my makeup and get all dolled up just for the fun of it. I can see the only endzone what people at work would say lol.

I definitely feel more alert today. Yesterday I was just dragging ass. I hate when I get that way cause then I get more moody. I’m going to talk to my medications doctor about it on my appointment Friday.

I have to do a makeup test in math today, and I forgot my homework. I’m going to see if I can email it to him since I forgot about it. I’m sure he’ll say okay, but you never know with him. I hope I didn’t miss too much in ASL yesterday. Since yesterday I just wanted to shut out the world. I’m wondering if people at work could tell I was like that. I want to say so much to them, but don’t feel that I can. I just don’t know if they’d understand why I do and say the things that I do. I don’t know, it’s not like talking to Cindy. She’s so understanding and non-judgemental. Maybe I should just take a day go set her and the kids and just be for a day or weekend. I think when I have time between homework, work, taking care of everything at home, and appointments, I should just take a day and see them. I miss spending time with them.

I’m at work right now, then I’m going to class, heading home, eating real quick, then going to the bank after, going to my therapist appointment. I’m not sure if I have anything else today, I don’t think I do besides homework. I need to study for my test in ASL. I can only hope she goes over it today in class for the one where we’re being signed to. Then find out if we’re doing the test where we’re signing to her that’s in the book or if it’s another one.

I have to say that I’m on my phone more in the morning at work than I am in the afternoons. I really should do something lol.

They say if you have anxiety, you shouldn’t drink coffee or will caffeine, but it tastes so goooooood! I barely got any sleep last night, yet I’m so awake what’s up with that? Lol. Maybe it’s the coffee 🤣.

So, I talked to mom on the phone, and she said my brother found a place we could afford that allowed cats and dogs. We’re going to go look at the home today and ask questions. I found out what test we’re doing, and it is the one in the book for ASL. I can practice that and put it into ASL form. I know I overthink it and I over sign some things, but I just can’t help it. I want to get better at doing it.

So far, only a couple people told me they like the long format of writing day by day than posting it. So, this super long post is for them! Lol!

So, yesterday I went to my counseling appointment, and we talked for a few, almost forgetting the time, so we went over the time slot by a couple minutes. It was nice to talk to her again. She wants me to do some mindfulness for when I reach for junk food and when I gorge myself with food. I’m trying to make a note of what I’m thinking about when I go for it and so far I’m thinking about school and what I need to do for homework. Haha, so my stress is the school for now lol.

I went to look at a place to possibly move to when mom and Richard. Looks like mom, Brandon, mom, Richard, me, and the girls are going to be moving in together. I don’t mind. It’ll be nice to see them a lot more. Yes, it’ll be a little cramped, but I don’t mind. We’re cramped now, lol. But the place is super lovely, and we’d be renting from them. They said they take care of everything no matter what, they’re pet-friendly with a one time fee for the pets, and if we can get a letter saying they’re a service animal of any kind, that fee will be waved. So, I got to talk to Tobi about possibly doing that. I had one for Rocko, but it has his name on it and won’t be able to pass it off for Angel. If not one for Angel, I want one for Yuki cause he’s my emotional support animal. I’m going to have Angel be my service animal with the proper training. That’s why I want them in obedience school. Oh, and the girls have rats. I love them! When they got them, they didn’t know one was pregnant, and now they have 10 rats lol it was only supposed to be 2.

Oh, a shocking thing happened last night! Yuki and Angel were actually lying next to each other! It’s surprising because he doesn’t like the pups. Here didn’t wake up when she laid down next to him.

Awwwwww the picture is too cute😍!

Yes, I’m one of those people who freak out over their pets, lol!

I really want tp grey my tattoo colored in I just have to wait for taxes. If Patrick took credit cards, I’d have it done already lol.

I have to say I’m in a good mood today. I think I really needed to see and talk to Tobi yesterday. I’m going to be seeing her on Wednesdays as a recurring appointment. I think talking to someone that understands BPD really helps.

Today, mom went to see her primary doctor, and then we have lunch, then it’s the veterinarian for the pups sp they can have their last shots, including rabies. We’ll also see how much they weigh. I hope mom was okay with putting the pups in the kennels. I don’t want her to hurt herself.

Man, it’s slow here at work, but I don’t mind it. Though I should read the shelves 🤔… I’ll think about it lol.

No one’s told me what they want me to talk about here, so I’m just doing my random thoughts. I hope whoever reads this doesn’t mind. I want to talk about different things. I’m just not sure what.

Hmmm, oh, in history class that’s online, I was put in the Indian gaming group, and we’ll explore Native American rights and the reasons behind having casinos. We were told my dad’s grandmother was full-blooded Cherokee, so I’m supposed to have some native American in me, but it doesn’t show on my DNA thing from ancestry. Maybe the amount is too small for the test. But I’ve always felt strongly about their rights and the rights of those around me. I want to learn more about the histories. I wish I could’ve attended the native American history assembly. Is assembly the right word for that maybe conference? Hmm, I don’t know… 🤔… but my history class is writing heavy, and I like that since writing helps me emotionally. I just have to finish reading the material and go on into the research for Indian gaming and talking to my group members. I wonder who’s in my group?

So, I went to lunch with my mom, dad, Richard, and his daughter Izzy at Orlando are the restaurants at the college. The food was so good! Here are pictures of what I got.

First, a salad is a Chinois Salad,
Mixed greens| carrots | snow peas | bean sprouts | crunchy won tons | Chinois dressing

For the main, I got Fried rice, but I asked them to add Kimchi to mine. This picture is without the Kimchi; it’s just what the picture that my husband got during his tasting of it.

Pineapple Cashew Fried Rice (Malaysia)
Stir-fried with ginger, lemongrass & curry | mixed vegetables |egg | toasted coconut | sweet chile sauce | lime

This what the dessert and it was my favorite! But I also love cheesecake lol.

I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Though Brandon got in trouble for something that was out of his control and they blamed him for the kitchen being backed up and someone taking over someone else’s table. I told him to talk to his teacher and ask why he was getting in trouble when that stuff was out of his control. His teacher apologized and agreed with him that he didn’t have control over that type of situation.

We went to the vet for the pups, and Angel weighs 38.1lbs, and Daisy weighs 35.5lbs. They have all their shots now and can go to obedience training. I still want to take them through training.

So, Yesterday I didn’t get a chance to write here after school. Yesterday I went to class and passed my ASL test. I tried not to overthink it, and I did better than usual. Though, I need to make sure not to drop my hands while I’m signing. I did that a lot, and I think it was because I was doing it while I practiced. I went to the store for cereal got Brandon an energy drink and donuts to Valentine’s day. We did really celebrate it aside from that.

I have a three day weekend. Monday is a holiday, so I won’t be going to project beauty share that day because their won’t be any mail that day. The sense I changed my work schedule I’m going to be able to go on Tuesday. I know they’re going to be surprised lol. I really look forward to the days I get to go there and help out.

I hope who ever reads this enjoys it. Thank you for your time on reading my blog.

Hello February!

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So, mom’s surgery went over well. It sucked. I couldn’t be there with her, but dad was there. I stayed home and made sure the dogs were taken care of. We didn’t want them in their kennels for a long time. She’s recovering well, mostly just trying to keep the pain at bay. Mom told me to go still to project beauty share Monday. I told her I’d go, but I won’t lie. I will be worrying about her. I’ll see how she’s doing the night before then I’ll decide if I’ll go or not.

My job interview went okay. I don’t feel confident about it. They said they’ll let me know in a week or two if they’re going to hire me. I’m not going to hold my breath over it. So, I’m still putting in applications to different places. We’ll see if I get hired somewhere else. I figure if even I don’t get hired, the experience itself is worth it. It’ll help me mentally just going to the interviews to feel comfortable doing them. Brandon has a job interview at a place called the satellite dinner Monday. He put in for cook, but they’re going to interview him for the dish pit. It’ll be good if he gets hired. We need money right now. I’m going to be still working at the library. Though I changed my schedule to 7:15 to 9:15 am sense, I’ll be going to the school so early. They said that it works out because they don’t have anyone for the mornings at that time. I can also work on Monday’s now because it’s in the morning and not after class. After class, I’m always going to project beauty share. I know I talk a great deal about project beauty share, but I love what I do there. I know it’s not a whole lot, but they always tell me I’m helping a great deal even though it doesn’t feel like it. I enjoy helping people so much.

My tattoo is healing great. I didn’t bruise by my elbow. He said most people do. I guess I’m just so open about my mental illness and having known about the semicolon movement for so long, and I find it strange that people still don’t know about it. I get so choked up talking about it and what it means. I’m admitting to considering suicide and planning on going through with it. I chose not to end my life. The look on people’s faces that I thought makes me emotional. Knowing I’m exposing myself to that depth. But the only way to end the stigma around mental illness is to talk about it openly. I’m going to eventually get a bat and some flowers on the other side of my arm. I’m going to work on having a whole sleeve done slowly. I want it to be bright and full of life. I can’t wait for my current one to heal so I can go in and get this one finished. I want to get this one done before I most onto another section of my body. Which will be the Thailand painted bat. I love the black and orange color of them. I want to have it on my chest. As they say, once you start you can’t stop lol.

https://www.google.com/search?q=thailand+painted+bats&newwindow=1&sxsrf=ACYBGNSpJTB-2-vbKnyQlN1XuwbwdvF75g:1580527449258&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiBuq7Js6_nAhVM_J4KHcn-DYsQ_AUoAXoECBAQAw&biw=1366&bih=655

I’ve been trying to work on my homework all day. I got what math I needed to get done online. I still need to do the book work. I read what I needed for history. I still need to write my paper for it. Oh, I still have some reading to do. There’s just a lot of text and some I can’t print out to read. Reading on the computer makes me so nauseous. I try to take as many breaks as I can when I come to looking at screens. I even get nauseated when reading books! How sad is that?

So, I spent the day working on homework. I didn’t get it finished, but I made a dent. I still have to do the book work out of my math book and make my replies on my history discussion. Oh, and I need to make a video for the ASL discussion. I have no idea what to record. I need to make a video about the weekly vocab while telling a story. I’m not very good at loan signs either, which that’s what the main thing is this week. History had so much reading to do that it took me so long to do it. That’s why I mostly only got history done today and not the other stuff. My history teacher assigns a great deal of reading and writing. I was prepared for the paper, just not all the reading lol.

I’m trying to find someone who can help mom with the dogs while I’m at school. I’m probably not going to go to project beauty share if no one can help her. I also need to go to the bank and pay for the storage place tomorrow. Mom isn’t allowed to drive for a while,e so I can’t ask her. We’ll see if I can catch the buses so I can get home at a reasonable time. Though, I do have to wake up really early to catch the bus with Brandon. Then I’m going to go work at the library then go to class. I’ll probably leave ASL early either way so I can catch the bus downtown. I just realized I can pull the money from my account at the school. Then I’d just have to make my way to the storage place. There’s so much to do and not enough time to do it. I think I’m going to need coffee and a lot of it Monday.

So, it’s the next day, I’m having a hard time coming up with stuff to talk about on here, so I’m going to write on my Microsoft word until I feel it’s enough to post. I don’t want to post just a paragraph and leave it at that. But maybe I should do that. They say the more you post, the more likely you’ll get followers. I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet. Until I decide, I’m going to do it this way.

I got my math done to a turn in tomorrow. I can’t believe tomorrow is Monday. I’m not going to go to project beauty share so I can come home and help mom. She’s going to have a hell of a time with the dogs while I’m gone. The math book work is a pain to do because the teacher will dock you if you don’t put the “label” on the answer. He seems a bit OCD about it too. He appears to grade it not by if the answer is correct or not but by if he feels you did a good enough job. This was coming from a teacher that put everybody in groups and doesn’t teach anything. He said you’re in your group figure it out. If we ask him a question, he talks about something else and feels he explained what was needed to be taught. I really don’t like him as a teacher, and his teaching method sucks balls. Yes, I’m bitching about it because my tuition paid him to teach us, and he’s not doing that. If I fail the class, I’m not going to retake his. I just don’t understand why he thinks that the teaching method is how we will learn the material. I instead take this class entirely online than with that idiot again. (end rant) lol

I’ve been so consumed with homework that I forget to do other things. But I forget to do my P.E. homework; I just can’t seem to make it to the gym. I’m supposed to do 150 minutes or more a week. I’m apprehensive about not doing it. I’m wondering if my depression has something to do with it. I’m slowly getting better with my depression. It’s just taking the time, and I’m impatient. Maybe now that I’m working at the library in the mornings, I can do my workouts after school, just so I can get my time in. I got to try and get weights in and cardio in, we’ll see how tired I am after school lol.

I’m home, yeah, I’m not working out lol I’m way too tired.

I got to school, and I started the day at the library when they opened. It was funny, one of the librarians was talking about how the therapy helps with emotion regulation. I kind of interjected and asked if she was talking about DBT. She said yes, and how I knew that. I told her I went through DBT therapy for a year. She asked me if I felt it helped. I said yes, I went from being a recluse and reluctantly going to the store to going to college and work. I told her why I was in DBT and that I have BPD, Bi-polar, anxiety disorder, and a panic disorder. That my panic attacks can be so intense, they appear as seizures. They were quite surprised to hear that. They said they really appreciated that I shared that. I also went on to tell the librarian about the skills that are taught and how it helps. I also told her about a book called the language of emotions that I read while in DBT. I also told her that the founder of DBT is Marsha Linehan and that she’s the one who started the therapy. She said she really liked that I’ve been through it and that she was going to talk to her sons’ doctors about him learning the skills. I’m glad the information I told her helped her with wanting to know more.

Today was in all an okay day, I still have homework that I need to get done I’m just lazy about it. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. Waking up so early took its toll on me, and I’m going to keep doing it. What did I get myself into lol?

I’ve been dragging ass all day. I’m so exhausted, not physically but mentally. I didn’t sleep very well last night so that could have something to do with it. I need to do homework, and I’m struggling to do that. It’s that point in the quarter where I wonder what the fuck, I got myself into with the classes lol. I start questioning if I should continue or give up. I know I won’t give up; I just contemplate it. I just feel like I’m not doing as good as I should be. I just must remind myself that I’m learning, and I’m probably not the only one who feels this way. I’m really considering going into the culinary program after I get my associates. I know I could change my major, but I want to finish what I started. I’m finding I’m doing small things to try and self-sooth myself. I’m trying to remember that I need to take care of myself; otherwise, I won’t be able to see things through, and I’ll just mentally shut down. I think the biggest thing is I fear what I don’t know and isn’t what they say if it scares you; it’s probably worth wild. I keep trying to remind myself of that. So right now, instead of mulling over my homework trying to perfect it, I’m watching the hobbit and writing more on this post. I have to say February’s first week has been stressful.

I’m struggling emotionally…

I can’t help but feel so out of place. I have such a hard time connecting with people. Whether it be with the daily news, political, and not. I have no idea why I feel this way… well, actually I do. They said in DBT that those with BPD have a harder time emotionally connecting with people. I just don’t know how or what to talk about. I don’t think the people around me at work understand that. I just can’t seem to connect… I guess that’s why at times I feel so alone even when I’m around people. I know I’m not alone, and I have those around me, but emotionally I feel empty or lonely. Like I’m sitting here at work, and I feel so alone. People talk to me, and I don’t feel. I wish it wasn’t like this, I want to feel more than what I do. I want to connect but can’t seem to find that niche to do so. I hope I can feel more in my next job. I don’t know… sometimes I feel so much at once that I don’t know how to respond. So when I do return, I’m aggressively reacting. I think I’m hiding at work and at home in spontaneously combusting. I want to feel more smoothly if that makes sense. I’m frustrated with myself and my feelings. I want to be like other people, but at the same time, I’m scared of being that way. All I can do is try to be more balanced when I’m home and mouse through the motions at work.

So, today in math class, I just got pissed off and had enough. I’m going to see the counselor about my options if I can drop the course or if I can’t pass due to not being able to learn the material. That fucking teacher doesn’t teach anything, and I’m not the only one that doesn’t like his method. I had to use google to learn my fucking lesson. The girl laughed and said, that’s what she’s been having to do at home. The girl in my group asked if I was stuck, I said yes, and I’m learning more from google than that stupid class. I was so pissed off that I just skipped ASL and came home. I figured I’d go into my ASL class blind for my test. I was only so done with today.

I didn’t want to go to class and snap at someone. My emotions were running high, and I didn’t know how else to react. I hate that I can go from 0 to 100 in a matter of minutes. I was feeling empty and alone at work, then I got to math, and I just got pissed off at the world. I know it’s from having BPD, and that’s why I react the way that I do. Sigh, I guess I’m just stuck this way because there’s nothing I can do about it except try and control my reactions towards things. I think my coming home was my way of taking a step back to look at everything instead of reacting. I feel that was probably the best thing for me to do. I have an appointment with a counselor for next week to discuss my options. But I do know I’m emotionally eating today. I just can’t seem to control my appetite while I’m like this. Falling back on old habits are comfortable, and breaking them again is just as hard as the first time breaking them. 

So, it’s a new day, and I decided I’m going to skip math to be gentle to my mental health. I considered going to the counseling office to see if there’s an earlier appointment that I can get in to. Maybe I’ll do that right after work. I wish I could just skip the clad and work, but I can’t. I know I’m going into my ASL test blind, but I guess that’ll really test my knowledge of what we learned so far lol. My parents told Mae to report that teacher and tell them that he grades on how he’s feeling and not if you get the answer correct. I don’t know we’ll see what the counselor says Wednesday unless I see them sooner.

I have to say going through the motions of what I’m supposed to do at work really calms me. I thoroughly enjoy what I do here. I worry that I’m just to myself too much if that makes sense. I know I said this before, but I really wish that I could easily talk to people like they can. I also like taking the bus. It’s time I can just be and not worry. I used to be terrified of taking the bus now. I can do it without a problem. I would panic if it got too crowded and just get off where ever before freaking out. Now I can take it and just be. I’m surprised at how far I’ve come emotionally, but I still have a massive way to go. I know I need to get back into therapy, which would help with relieving some stress to talk about my struggles with someone. It’s just finding a therapist that’s not a flake or candles because you’re the only appointment. I just stopped going to that one, and I’m going to find someone else.

Oh, I did a DNA ancestry analysis. Here’s a picture of what I got…

I find the results interesting. Mom took ancestry’s too, along with 23andme DNA analysis. She’s finding people she’s related to biologically. I don’t know if she’s contacted them. We did it because both her parents were adopted. She’s trying to get their birth records since they were released from being closed off. People who were adopted can now get their actual birth records and find the names of their parents. We want to see our blood-related families, so we can communicate with them and also find out medical possibilities. It would be awesome to find more relatives.

I’m wondering if I need to change medications because I feel so emotionally empty. Sitting here at work and I’m overthinking and feeling like an outcast. I know no one is trying to make me feel that way. It’s just how I feel. I feel like people talk to me cause there’s no one else to talk to, not because they want to. I’m not pointing fingers. It’s just how I feel about my surroundings and the people in it. There’s so much going through my head, but I need to remember the world doesn’t revolve around me lol. That’s what my counselor would say to me in DBT. I just don’t like the way I’m feeling.

Anyways, I’m going to leave this post at that.

Let me know if you like this format. With me talking about each day in a lengthy post or if you’d like separate posts for each day. I really want to know from the people who read my blog what they want.