My January 2020

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So, I’ve been trying to think of what to write about in my next post, and I figured I’d do like a monthly wrap up. Basically, talk about how this month has been so far and my thoughts. So, January started off without a hitch. Going back to school on the 6th was excellent. I really missed being at school while on my Christmas break. I think the main thing I stressed about was getting the books needed and having money for bills. I’m stressing about the bills left and right. I feel like I’m drowning. Having only a part-time job and not knowing if I’m going to have a career in the summer has me worried. Yes, I can sign up for classes for summer, but that leaves me unable to pay for my bills for a month. I’ve been putting applications in to try and get a job for when I’m not working.

As far as school is concerned, I’m enjoying my classes. Yes, it’s been stressful, but I’m happy. I slowly remember how to do ASL. I’ve had to watch videos to remind me of different signs, but it’s been good. I want to learn more and get better at ASL.

It’s Monday, and I woke up at 5:30am because of the dogs getting in the kitty litter box and mom yelling for them to get out. I figured I needed to get up anyway. Made it to school; no problem went to my math and ASL classes. Though, I had to leave ASL early cause mom had a doctor’s appointment and couldn’t drive me to Project Beauty Share after. I left early and caught the bus right before it was leaving school. Got to the plaza and made the 90 bus just in the nick of time. That bus was crowded. I was sweating through trying to make it from one bus to the next and then having to walk from the bus stop to Project Beauty Share. I do a lot of running around while there, so I was sweating there too lol. Had to run to catch the bus home. Got to the plaza and met up with Brandon. Oh, and I got a Halloween decoration from Project Beauty Share. Though, it’s a typical house decoration to me lol. Tomorrow I get my newest tattoo, and I’m excited!

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I got my tattoo! Omg, I love it so much. He was only able to do the outline and some shading. I figured with how big it is, it’ll take a couple sessions. Even so, I love it! Here’s the pictures of it

 

I have to go back for the color after it heals. I want the flower to be pinks and reds. But in all, I’m excited to see how it turns out in the end. So many people commented on it saying they liked it. In ASL, we could only talk in sign, and a couple people signed to me. They really liked it. Another couple of people said they wanted to go to Shamrock Tattoo for one for them.

I got a job interview tomorrow at Senske. I met them at the job fair at the school. I don’t know if they’ll hire me with me not having my license. I guess we’ll see how it turns out. I’m not going to quit the library. I figure I could work at the library in the mornings on the day I work at the lawn company. As I said, we’ll see how things turn out.

 

Mom has knee surgery tomorrow as well. We’re trying to figure out what to do so the dogs aren’t in their kennels for a long time. I guess we’ll have to see what we can do given the time.

 

That’s been my January. I’m trying to stick to uploading on here. If your reading, this, be kind and give me ideas to talk about here.

Rocko

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I wanted to do a post dedicated to Rocko,

This post is going to be full of pictures of him.

I got Rocko in July of 2010, I can’t remember the exact date, but I do know month and year. I was looking for a while for a dog and looking at all the sites for rescuing animals. I found his picture by chance. He was in Bonner’s Ferry, Idaho. I can’t remember the exact town, but I know that’s the area. It was three and a half hours away. They expected us to do just a meet and greet then come back if we wanted him. I decided before going up there; I wanted him. He was only in all a happy dog. He was a couple years old when we got him. Though, when we brought him home, he got scared of princess and was able to get out of his collar. I had to chase him down to the river. He was a master escape artist lol. It took a lot for him to stop running away from us. I think it wasn’t till after we got Jeb that he stopped running. We got Jeb the month after we got Rocko.

This is right after we got him…

Here’s a picture of him with Jeb…

He was such a good dog. He was my fluffernutter. Rocko knew how to get me to go to bed after he would eat his dinner. He’d nudge me and keep doing it until I’d go into the room. He would always want cuddles before going to bed for the night. When he was done with his cuddles, he’d jump off the bed and lay on the floor. Brandon would come to bed, and if he weren’t ready to go to bed, he’d refuse to move and keep jumping on Brandon’s side of the bed until Brandon would tell him to get down. He’d stare at me, looking at me, wanting me to keep him up there. I can’t say how much I miss him.

It was not long after we got him. I have to say he was terrified of men. I have to say the only guy he wasn’t frightened of is Brandon. We tease Brandon that he’s too feminine because Rocko said so LOL. But he would warm up to men after they came over a few times and showed him that they’re okay. There were a few people he would not warm up to, but they didn’t come over very often.

He loved being outside. Especially the sprinkler and hose. Here’s a link to a video. https://www.facebook.com/lilswanbaby/videos/vb.571553548/10153009632313549/?type=3

It’s on my Facebook page if you can’t see it just let me know. There’s a lot of baying in the video because Jeb is a Bluetick coonhound, and they howl like no tomorrow.

They had a schedule with their food, and they knew when that schedule was lol. Though Rocko had a food allergy, he couldn’t have any grain. Otherwise, he would break out in spots and then chew it raw. We had a cone of shame on him for a while until my brother told us about his dog not being able to have any grain. His dog had the same problem. So we put Rocko on the same diet, and his skin cleared up. We resorted to cheese as his treats at night. We also made sure he would get grain fee wet food at night for dinner. German shepherds are prone to having that allergy, and with him being a part german shepherd, it made sense.

Oh, I didn’t say what breed he was. He was Rottweiler, german shepherd, Akita, Huskey, and blue healer. I know he was quite a mix lol.

I know having another dog will not replace Rocko. I just missed having him here and thought I could form a new bond with a new dog. Rocko was there for me when I felt no one else was. He spent time with me when I needed someone. I was happy to have him in my life. Here’s some more pictures of my baby I miss dearly.

He was in his happy place next to me on the bed. This next photo is of Rocko a couple weeks before he passed. We were doing everything we could to make him comfortable.

The disc’s in Rocko’s spine ruptured and was rapidly deteriorating. His hind legs stopped working first. We got him on meds, and he responded to them well, but after a week, his front legs stopped working. They told us that even with the surgery, he most likely would have been able to use his legs and that he was in a great deal of pain right then. I didn’t want my baby boy to suffer, so I made the hardest decision to let him go. It hurt so much, saying goodbye.

This photo was moments before we said our last goodbyes. I had him cremated and had them make an imprint of his paw print. I asked them to have him cremated with his blanket. He loved that blanket and always slept with it. I sobbed when I got his ashes and pawprint. They even took some of his ashes and mixed them with some seeds of flowers to be planted. I’m waiting until we move to plant them and have them bloom. It’s something I’ll treasure forever.

Shocking I posted again lol!

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So to stick with my plan on keeping up to date with postings on here’s we go…

Let’s start with school and how that is going so far. I’m currently taking Math 87, P.E., History of the Pacific Northwest, and A.S.L… I’m thoroughly enjoying A.S.L. but the others I’m struggling to keep my attention and focus on. I know the history class is heavy with the writing, and I have a paper that’s due next week. I’m trying to print off everything that I’m supposed to read. I get motion sickness when I read online. So, I try to not focus on the screen when I write. I also take a lot of breaks when writing on my computer.

On November 26, 2019, I got my third tattoo. I can’t afford to get princess, honey, Jeb, Rocko, Yuki, Cleopatra, and Sophia-sassy-pants individually tattooed on me, so I got 6 paw prints, a bumblebee and a dragonfly on my right inner calf. I know that’s not enough paw prints, but I have a thing about things being in 3’s, so I’m sticking to it until I decide to do 3 more paw prints. Oh, and the paw prints are in the colors of the rainbow. Obviously, from the pic below, lol… I’m getting another tattoo on January 28, 2020. It’s going to be of a bat, cat, a peony flower, and a semicolon. If you know about the semicolon movement, you know that I’m getting it for planning suicide. Here’s the website about it https://projectsemicolon.com/ . I feel very strongly about getting this tattoo. The peony means healing, and I love animals, so I wanted either a bat or a cat in it. I wanted a cat because Yuki has helped me so much after I lost Rocko. The Bat because they’re one of the most misunderstood animals around. They do so much for the ecosystems that they’re apart of. If I was a wildlife Biologist, I would exclusively study the bat. If not with bats, maybe with gorilla’s or orangutan and teach them ASL. I want my tattoos to have meaning to them, so I’m getting ones that have a close meaning to my heart. Oh! I forgot to say where I’m getting my new tattoo. It’s going to be on the inside of my right forearm. Here’s a picture of my newest tattoo…

This picture is right after I got it done…

(Update, I just heard from my tattoo artist, and he asked me if it’s okay if it’s a cat skull, I said I would love that. I’m excited to see what he’s coming up with. I can’t wait to post a picture of it!)

If you know me, you know I love Halloween. This past Halloween in 2019, I did something I called the Haunted Hunt. I don’t really celebrate Easter, so I decided to do something like an Easter egg hunt, but Halloween themed. So, I got little plastic ornaments that you can fill, and I spray painted them orange, black, and white. The black ones I put wings on and made them bats. I had smaller black ones I put fuzzy legs on and made them spiders. The white ones I put some cloth over and made them ghosts. Lastly, the orange ones I put stems on and colored in pumpkin faces. Oh, and the others had googly eyes on all of them lol. I invited over both my bothers and their girls. My best friend and her daughter, along with her sister and daughter and son. I hid all the characters around the yard and had the kids hunt for them. Oh! And I put together goody bags full of stuff for them and so they could use those bags for hunting with. I’m hoping to do this every year. Last year was the last-minute planning, so I couldn’t do it as well as I wanted. But this year I’m going to put aside money for it and plan better. I thought of it at the beginning of October. I loved that everyone had fun. I’m hoping to make it a yearly tradition. I love Halloween so much, and I love all the kids I want to make memories with them. I want to make memories for them too. I want it to be something they look forward to. I’m hoping that they do look forward to it every year. I’m just trying to decide how to decorate the balls this year. Also trying to figure out how much money to set aside for it. Here’s a picture of the kids!

Working in the library has helped me so much emotionally. I know I went over it in my last post, but I love being at the library so much. It reminds me of when Cindy and I would walk downtown, go into Nordstrom’s and try on $500-$900 dresses take pictures then put them back. After we put them back, we’d go into the library cause it’s connected to Nordstrom’s. We’d check out books and read them that night and the next day or two do it all over again. I have to say being at the library reminds me of happy times. People don’t understand that I enjoy the work I do there. I changed my mind because of working at the library and remembering how much I enjoy being at the library.

I’ve changed what I’m studying, and I’m going for a library technician. They still offer it at Spokane Falls Community College so far I’ve taken classes that are required for it. I just got to include a computer class now. I still have 5 extra credits I can use towards a course. I did have 8, but I use some for an extra P.E. class, which is the class I’m in now. It’s a weight management class that I felt would help me a great deal. I need to lose more weight and get back to eating healthy this class will help me to do that. I got to go to the gym, which I think I might do before math class. We’ll see what I plan on doing. I might go to Planet Fitness since I have a membership there. Be kind to use it for working out and not just for the showers lol.

We have no hot water at the house. The piping needs to be fixed when we get money, we’ll fix it. I’m not going to make my best friend pay for it. She’s already doing so much for us. Letting us move in there and stay there for the first month without payment. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate her and her hubby. I love them to pieces. They do so much for us and are so understanding of our situation. It’s hard to find people like that. I want to repay her for everything she’s done for my family; I just don’t know how and me.

What else is there to talk about?

I’m working on a cookbook that’s going to consist of recipes from my grandma. I’m making them and seeing if they work with today’s appliances and ingredients. I’ve made a few, but I need to make more. I told my co-workers that they’re my guinea pigs for the food. Lol. So, far they’ve loved everything I’ve made. I want to work on creating new recipes. I just got to find time between all the homework lol.

I’m taking 17 credits right now, so 4 classes. History is the most time-consuming. I gotta get through the work before I can work on certain things. I have to do an interview with someone who lived here in the Pacific Northwest since the 1990s. I’m thinking of doing the meeting with my mom unless someone else says they want to do it. It has to be about their life, not the history of the area but the history of their life. I have to record it and use it to write up a paper. I have to turn in the questions I’m going to ask and who the person is. Once I do that, I can do the interview. Then I have to write up a transcript of the meeting and turn that it. Oh, and I have to read through the book we’re using for class before I can do any of that lol. It’s so much to do, but I don’t mind. I like to read and write, so I don’t remember all the work that I have to do. P.E. I have to keep a log of my habits, workouts, and food. I’m trying to do that. I’m logging my food on https://www.myfitnesspal.com/, but I’m supposed to do it on a log she gave to us. I’m not recording it as much as I’m supposed to. I was supposed to log it every day this week, and I missed Monday. I don’t feel I’m doing very well. I know I have more to say I just can’t think of it at the moment. Maybe I should just work on homework and see if I think of anything. I’ll make it into my next post. Like I said I’m going to try and keep up with posting on here. I’m hoping to stick with it.

 

Happy 2020!

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So it’s been a while since I’ve said anything on here. My life has been in chaos. I don’t want to talk about the negative, so I’m going to talk about the positive.

I know I just said I wasn’t going to talk about the negative, but I feel this needs to be said so it’s understood why I got into counseling and DBT. I had a psychotic break and it took a massive toll on my marriage. It got to the point I was considering and planning on killing myself. My husband talked me out of it and I got the help I needed thanks to him. At first, I just got on medications for it. I was on medications first before I got into counseling. It wasn’t until I gained a massive amount of weight and was perusing getting bariatric surgery that I got into counseling per requirements of my medical insurance. It was then I went to Frontier Behavioral Health and was diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder and was put into intensive outpatient dialectical behavior therapy, also referred to as DBT. I started DBT in July 2018 and was assigned a counselor and had to take classes to better understand what it means and what it takes to control yourself while having a personality disorder. I had an amazing counselor who helped me realize why I acted the way I do and why I do certain things. It’s made me think of many things and better understand myself. I was in DBT until July 2019. That’s when I graduated from the program.

During my time in DBT, I decided to go back to school. At first, I enrolled in non-credit classes and was taking classes at Spokane Falls Community College. After taking a quarter of those classes I enrolled in credit classes at Spokane Community College. I first enrolled in A.S.L. 121 which is an intro class into A.S.L.. I thoroughly enjoyed being in A.S.L. and I’m currently in A.S.L. 122. I took psychology 100 and a health class on stress management. I ended up taking classes in the summer which was guidance 102 and English 99. I had so much fun in English 99. I think what I enjoyed the most was doing a research paper. I did my paper on Borderline Personality Disorder. I went back to school in the fall and signed up for English 101, Math 21, and P.E. I have to say P.E. kicked my ass lol. But I lost a lot of inches off my waist. The total of inches I’ve lost is 26 inches. But I know I wouldn’t have been able to lose all the weight if I didn’t have bariatric surgery.

I had bariatric surgery on April 25, 2019. I’ve lost 78lbs so far and 26 inches off my waist. I’m currently in a weight management class so I can try and lose more weight. I gotta do better with my eating. I know I’ve been eating a lot of carbs so I haven’t lost much. I gotta do better. I had the surgery on a Thursday and was back at school that Monday. Everyone said I should’ve taken more time off of school but I didn’t want to get behind on A.S.L. and psychology. I knew if I got behind I would’ve struggled to catch up. I know me and I know how I am. It’s best for me to keep up or ahead than get behind. After the surgery, I was sent home the next day and I couldn’t hold down the pain meds so I ended up in so much pain at home that my mom took me back to the hospital. She called the on-call surgeon cause the emergency room wouldn’t get me back and said I had to wait for hrs. The surgeon bypassed everything hearing me in pain over the phone and made it so I got in and in a room. After I got the right pain meds in me that I could hole down I did okay. I was sent home on Sunday and did so much better with the right pain meds.

I was approved for work-study and I know do work-study in the Spokane Community College Library. I have to say working there has opened me up so much more than I expected. I still try to keep things professional there but I’m slowly making friends. I’m still very quiet but not as much as when I started. I can actually talk to my co-workers and not be judged. My boss understands mental illness which helps so much. Most don’t get a boss who understands and is willing to work with you because of it. I had run out of a med and I was going through withdrawals not having it and I was having bad headaches and nausea. He gave me work to do that was quiet and said to work as long as I wanted if I needed to go home I could. I worked till someone else showed up to cover what I couldn’t but I couldn’t handle much more. I went home and curled up in bed trying to not throw up and a pillow over my face to help with the headache. My mom called everywhere so I could get the med cause my pharmacy said they didn’t get their shipment so I had to go somewhere else. We finally got my meds and I was good the next day getting it into me took the symptoms away. I can’t believe how happy I am at the library. I never thought I would open up the way I have. I know I could open up more but I’m happy. I’ve gone through the years closed off emotionally, it feels so different opening up emotionally to those around me. The only person outside of the family who seen me open up is my best friend Cindy and my husband, Brandon. I can only go up from here emotionally. D.B.T. opened the door and school is opening that door even more than work slammed that door open lol and I don’t mind. I’m happy and I want to stay that way and keep moving forward.

I haven’t gone to see very many movies due to school, work, and volunteering I just haven’t had time. So I don’t have much to say about this subject like I normally do. I try to watch new movies when I have time but mostly it’s been watching the same old ones I know cause I need to do my homework and not pay attention to the T.V… So the movies that play a great deal is Erin Brockovich, Green Mile, Jurassic Park, and Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias stand-up comedy. I try to watch different things but it’s hard cause I have so much homework at times. Especially when a paper is due and it has to be a certain amount of pages and words. Thankfully I enjoy writing so that parts not too bad it’s just when it comes to math. I hate math but I’m doing what I need to so I can pass the class.

I haven’t worn much makeup but I try when I’m not too tired in the mornings. I’ve canceled my subscriptions due to money being tight. I had it till December and I had to cancel after that. I didn’t want to cancel I just couldn’t afford it anymore. I have so much makeup LOL. I need to try and use what I have and try not to get more but that won’t happen I’ll still buy makeup LOL.

I now volunteer at Project Beauty Share here in town. This is their website https://projectbeautyshare.org/. I love volunteering there. I’ve been doing it since October 26, 2019. I first went there to sanitize makeup. Then I asked about doing it on another day and they said they needed help on Mondays. Which worked perfectly with my school schedule. I feel so good feeling needed. They tell me all the time that they appreciate the work that I do for them. I open mail with them and presort the makeup that needs to be sanitized. The makeup is sanitized each Wednesday and on certain Saturdays. I can’t say how much I thoroughly enjoy helping out there. My boss also works with me so I can do it and don’t schedule me for Mondays. I found out about Project Beauty Share through Thataylaa on YouTube. This is the link to her YouTube https://www.youtube.com/user/ThaTaylaa that goes by Taylor Wynn now. I first started following her when she was doing 15 days of foundation. Where she tried out a foundation for 15 days in a row. I started following her during her first round of doing that. She now does it every I think 6 months and works with Project Beauty Share to raise money and also does Voting on a certain nonprofit organization to do a meetup at. The organization that gets the most votes Taylor does a meet up at and they give $5,000. Last time they raised so much they were able to give money to the other organizations. Which I love so much. I love that Taylor brings these organizations to the public eye so people know where and what to donate to. Volunteering with them is helping to keep my door propped open so I can open up more. I’m learning to be so happy and it feels so unreal.

On April 23, 2019, I lost Rocko.

I know I said no negative but this is what happened. I miss him so much. I stayed with him until the bitter end. His spin was rupturing and he couldn’t walk or hold his bowel movements. We had a diaper on him to help with his bladder. We didn’t mind having to change his diaper and give him meds. I was willing to spend what I had to to keep him comfortable. But I did everything the vet told me to and he still was suffering. We took him in carrying him on his blanket. The vet looked at him and told us what we feared. He was getting worse and was not reacting to the meds as they had hoped. He could get surgery but they didn’t feel it would help him there was not a big chance that it would help. I made the hard decision to end his suffering. I cried so much and I hurt emotionally so much. I didn’t plan on getting any more pets for a while. I got Rocko’s ashes back on April 29 along with a cast of his pawprint. I cried so hard when I got it. I struggled to do my homework during that time but I did what I had to. I guess homework helped to keep my mind occupied. I was also going to D.B.T. classes and seeing my therapist helped me emotionally. On May 5, 2019, I went to look at cats at Spokanimal I didn’t expect to bring any of them home. But I met my Yuki. He was meowing and pawing at me and even licking my hand. He’s from California he was displaced due to the fires down there and no one claimed him. He had no microchip and he was at a shelter that was so full that they couldn’t handle how many cats they had. So he was sent up here. He was supposed to go to Scraps but they were closed when they got up here and Spoanimal was open. They took all the kitties. That same day mom saw a kitty that reminded her of a cat she had when she was young. I got her for my mom. Her name is Sophia-sassy-pants lol. I love them with all my heart. When we went to get their licenses we looked at the kitties and saw a black kitty that was so lovely. My husband really wanted a black cat so I got her for him. Her name is Cleopatra. She’s such a love bug.

I love all our kitties but I still longed to have a dog. I was looking online at classifieds and saw an ad for Great Pyrenees puppies. We were just going to get me one at first until my mom saw them. She didn’t want to leave the one that was glued to her. So we both got puppies.

Mine is named Angel and moms is named Daisy. We got them on December 7, 2019. My brother was kind enough to take mom and me to get them in Sprague, WA. We would’ve gotten lost if mom and I went lol at least my brother knew the area due to fishing in that area. I’ve been so happy with them they’re our fluffy marshmallows lol until they become our fluffy polar bears. I know they’re going to get big. Everyone keeps saying they’re going to get huge. Like we’ve never had big dogs before. Sargent Rockhead was 130lbs alone if not more. Angel and Daisy’s parents were 150lbs. They were on-site and were so loving. I love all our furbabies when we move to a bigger house mom and I plan on getting 2 rottweiler puppies.

Right now we’re in a small one-bedroom house. The house we were in was foreclosed on due to my grandparent’s not making the payments on the house. I know a lot of people think we should sue and what not but I don’t have any hard feelings towards them. Things happen and I understand. Yeah, it sucks but we can’t change what has come to pass. And I don’t want to waste my energy being angry about it. I’ve learned that things happen and there’s a lot I can’t change so the only thing I can control is how I react and respond. So, I have no hard feelings towards them. I know our living situation is cramped but I don’t mind. We’ll find a new bigger place to live sooner or later.

Now for books, I haven’t read much for fun except I did read The Hobbit over Christmas break. It was nice to read something that I didn’t feel forced to read. Don’t get me wrong the books I had to read for English 99 and 101 were really good. One I read twice. Which was The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead. Here’s a link to buy the book.

https://www.amazon.com/Nickel-Boys-Novel-Colson-Whitehead/dp/0385537077/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Nickel+Boys%3A+A+Novel&qid=1579400237&sr=8-1

I read it for English 101 and its historic fiction. So, it’s based on events that happened but the characters were fiction. It was a very moving book about a boy who was sent to the Nickel Academy for stealing a car when he didn’t steal it he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It talks about what he suffered at the academy and how he was abused. It talks about how he and his friend escaped from there and one of them was killed. It talked about so much that happened. It’s so sad that the story is based on facts. The other book that we had to read was Educated By Tara Westover. Here’s a link to purchase this book.

https://www.amazon.com/Educated-Memoir-Tara-Westover/dp/0399590501/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3QTXUBVN6ROXS&keywords=educated+tara+westover&qid=1579400327&sprefix=educated+%2Caps%2C268&sr=8-1

It’s a memoir about a woman who basically bullshitted her way into college without high school education. Her parents, well, mostly her father, was completely against public education. He was against the government and he thought he was apart of Ruby Ridge that happened in North Idaho. When he had nothing to do with it. Ruby Ridge really did happen in north Idaho. Everything that happened in the book was looked into and found to be true. The publisher is known for making sure things are facts before putting it out there that a story is based on facts. Her whole family says that she made it all up and that she’s crazy. It’s a really good story and I would highly recommend both books. I can’t remember the book I read in English 99 but it was alright not sure if I will read it again but it was good.

I know I haven’t posted on here in so long but I have been busy with life. I want to post on here more, I know I say that every time but I need to remember to do things for myself, that I enjoy. I’m trying to take care of myself. I’m taking care of the things around me before I’m taking care of myself and I need to remember myself. I’ve stopped compulsively eating but that’s changed to compulsively shopping. I’m trying to get myself under control. I’m seeing a therapist but she’s a bit of a flake and I can’t depend on her. I’m thinking of finding someone else that is more reliable. That knows about people with B.P.D. and about D.B.T. it’s something that I need in a therapist. I’m trying to work on what I need to so I can be better emotionally and physically.

I hope to try and make this at least a weekly thing. We’ll see especially when it comes to homework. So, I hope to talk to you guys again in a week. Till then, later!