Being Sick Sux…..


Here I am once again posting something. Not even sure what to put on here except that I want to.

I’ve been looking over quotes but none seem to move me in a way that makes me want to write about them. So alas, I will not be posting a quote today. I’ll most likely ramble about nothing.

So here I go, I’m sick a a fucking dog and I hate it. Though, I’m doing what I can to get myself back to being somewhat healthy. But being sick gives a person to much time to think.

I find myself thinking about alot of things. About books, music, movies, and of course Nick. Its so frusterating I want to stop thinking about him. I know he doesn’t want more with me. He’s made that clear. Its so frusterating cause I’m trying to keep myself from hoping there might be more then a friendship. I know that if I keep hoping like this its going to hurt more when he does find someone else. I’m finding myself hoping that I can by some sheer amount of luck meet someone else. It’s just so frusterating cause I know it’s going to be awhile before I meet someone else. I know me. I don’t go out and do the drastic things. I don’t go up to ppl and just start talking. That’s just not me. I also find myself thinking about why I want someone so much. I know I have my family. But everyone around me has their someone. Is expecting a child. I watch wondering if I will ever have a someone too. sometimes it feels like this world is just spinning so fast past me that I can’t keep up. I know I want to be able to wake up next to someone smiling at me. I want to feel that love. I want to feel that passion just by looking at the person. At times it feels like I want too much. I’m asking too much. I wonder what I have to offer someone as a companion too. And I can’t think of anything. I don’t work. I don’t go to school. I can’t drive. I’m nothing more then a dog wanting a owner. I know ppl will argue that but it’s how I feel about this. I feel like I wage my tail and everyone just walks by. I’ll get petted once my twice if I’m lucky but other wise the world just keeps moving. I know ppl will tell me to keep faith that I’ll meet someone. That this is just a rut in my life. But how come this rut has lasted for so long. Im so tired of being alone. Of sitting here dreaming of a man that will one day sweep me off my feet. By telling me how much he loves me. I don’t want riches, or anything of that nature. I just want someone to look at me and smile and feel they are the luckiest man on earth. To want a family with me. That’s it. Why does that feel like I’m asking too much? Because I don’t have anything to offer in return. And that’s the reason I should stop thinking about Nick. I have nothing to offer him as a companion. He deserves a woman who can offer him all he asks and more. And so the world continues to spin.

I think about reading to escape this reality but I find myself reluntant. I’m not sure why. I just look at my books and feel nothing. Not even curiosity to open it and read one line of em. I really am pethetic.

I’ve though about my writing but haven’t writin anything. Though, I did realize I lost some notes I had for one of my books. So that sux. But nothing I can do about it. Unless I find them in some random place.

I finally got ellenor up to lvl 80. Now lets hope I can get her to 85 before they say their releasing another expansion. I do with I could play more often, just sux getting motion sickness just by watching the comp. I’m actually getting it now. But I will push on so I can get a post up longer then a few sentences. Haven’t worked to much on loonybin but thats ok. I really should get ellenor up there first.

I’ve gone on and off of the dating sites. Can’t help it. I go on there and just go pfft this fucking sux. I’m bored out of my mind and I feel obligating to always check my email. Can only wonder if I’ll actually meet anyone on there who wants to be with me.

Okay, yes, I know I’ve made this post a bit on the depressing side but at the moment I don’t care. I feel empty and alone right now. And I want to stop coughing my lungs out.

I’ve been craving raman non stop the past few days and I’m not sure why. It just suddenly tastes so freaking good. Oh well I guess its a good thing. It’s cheap.

I’m gonna be trying to get my lip and my tounge pierced by the time my birthday rolls around. Theres been alot of talk that those r gonna be my birthday presents so yeah.

Anyways, I guess I’ve made this post long enough. I’ll post again when I got more to ramble on about. Till then. Laterz!