I am me….


I am me. That’s all I can be for now. But why is this emptiness so consuming? I’m searching for the one, who will treat me good. Who will wake up and feel he’s the luckiest man on Earth. I just want to be that someone for a man. It seems difficult to be that. I look not only to feel fulfilled myself but to know, that just being who I am I have fulfilled someone else’s life. I guess in the end I want to feel wanted by someone. Not by this emptiness that seems to taunt me. I know I am not perfect. I have my medical problems, which prevent me from doing so much. I try to ignore that I have those problems and live my life. Just seems when I do that they come to smack me back in the face. It really sucks. I only hate my medical problems, I don’t hate me. I’ve been constantly thinking about this dream I had. I don’t know why it just keeps coming to mind. Then I find myself thinking about Nick. I keep trying to push the two out of my mind. Not really working at the moment. I want to stop thinking about him so much. But I guess I haven’t found the right distraction. I don’t know. I just know I miss him. I’m certain I’ll have feeling for him for a long time. I want him to be happy. So I’m trying to tuck these feelings away just to maintain a friendship with him. I know I’ll shove them aside sooner or later. It’s just a matter of time. So onward I go looking towards the future. Wondering what it holds for me. I’ll find out sooner or later. I need to stop being so impatient about it. When I went to see my doctor, he put me on birth control. To help with my symptoms during that time of the month. I kinda wish its was because I was getting some but oh well. I’m on it for now. Untill the state cuts me off of my benefits or till I decide I want a child. I can’t stop thinking about what the future holds. I need to stop wondering. I need to feel happy. I want this emptiness to go away. I just don’t know how to. I don’t want it to be filled by having someone I want to find what I can do to fill it on my own. It’s just a matter of what will. Anyways, I’m making this sound really depressing so I’ll shut up for now. Laterz!

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