I am me….

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I am me. That’s all I can be for now. But why is this emptiness so consuming? I’m searching for the one, who will treat me good. Who will wake up and feel he’s the luckiest man on Earth. I just want to be that someone for a man. It seems difficult to be that. I look not only to feel fulfilled myself but to know, that just being who I am I have fulfilled someone else’s life. I guess in the end I want to feel wanted by someone. Not by this emptiness that seems to taunt me. I know I am not perfect. I have my medical problems, which prevent me from doing so much. I try to ignore that I have those problems and live my life. Just seems when I do that they come to smack me back in the face. It really sucks. I only hate my medical problems, I don’t hate me. I’ve been constantly thinking about this dream I had. I don’t know why it just keeps coming to mind. Then I find myself thinking about Nick. I keep trying to push the two out of my mind. Not really working at the moment. I want to stop thinking about him so much. But I guess I haven’t found the right distraction. I don’t know. I just know I miss him. I’m certain I’ll have feeling for him for a long time. I want him to be happy. So I’m trying to tuck these feelings away just to maintain a friendship with him. I know I’ll shove them aside sooner or later. It’s just a matter of time. So onward I go looking towards the future. Wondering what it holds for me. I’ll find out sooner or later. I need to stop being so impatient about it. When I went to see my doctor, he put me on birth control. To help with my symptoms during that time of the month. I kinda wish its was because I was getting some but oh well. I’m on it for now. Untill the state cuts me off of my benefits or till I decide I want a child. I can’t stop thinking about what the future holds. I need to stop wondering. I need to feel happy. I want this emptiness to go away. I just don’t know how to. I don’t want it to be filled by having someone I want to find what I can do to fill it on my own. It’s just a matter of what will. Anyways, I’m making this sound really depressing so I’ll shut up for now. Laterz!


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Okay, so my last couple posts didn’t really have a happy feel to them. So lets try to make this one a little happier. Now then, lets start with a quote.

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."

Dalai Lama XIV

This quote to me means, that if you want to be happy you must work for it. It is not just dropped into your lap. So, work hard and strive to be happy. Don’t worry about the past. Look to the future. And remember that today is a gift, for it is the presant. (^_^)

Those are my thoughts on that. If you have anything to add, let me know.

I put myself on another dating site. I’m trying to find that special someone. Who will except me for who I am no matter what. We’ll see how well it goes. Haven’t really talked to anyone that makes me jump up and say lets hang out yet. I know it’s going to take time. I need to stop being impatiant about it. I am aiming for happiness and I will find it somehow.

I tried that new shattering nail polish. I love it! I couldn’t decide what color to put underneath so i did each of them different colors. I got purple, yellow, silver, red, and green on them. They look so good. (^_^) hehe.

Well, I just wanted to do a quick post today. I’m gonna film a new youtube video tonight. If I don’t post it on there tonight I’ll post it tomorrow morning. Anyways, till next time. Laterz!


oh oh I just found this quote I like,

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness."
Bertrand Russell

Okay, this to me means. Don’t be cautious with love. It will happen. And when it does you’ll be happier then you ever expected.

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Okay sense last night I’ve calmed down. The only thing I can do now is just be friends with him. If he ever wants more then that he knows where to find me. But till then I’m gonna be searching for someone else. I just know I felt really happy and at ease with him. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

So i’ll get back to what I was talking about last night. Back to reading the Night Angel series. I still got a stack of books sitting on my desk waiting to be read. I’ll prolly be going back and forth from book to book reading them till one catches my attention to where I can’t stop thinking about it. So thats all I have to say about books.

Got the shattering nail polish. I can’t believe it thats the most I’ve ever spent on a nail polish. Though, I’m happy so its all good lol. Planning on getting alot more makeup and polish. Not sure what I’m gonna get next but we’ll see how much money I have next month.

I gotta put my dream on here that I had. I just can’t stop thinking about it. In the dream I’m climbing a mountain. when I get to the top theres a lake thats clear blue and you can see several jewels on the bottom. I walk around till I’m suddenly standing in the middle of the lake with an arrow. Aiming at a jewel that’s shaped like a heart. I have to bend back wards and aim through to sticks. But I hit the target straight on. This dream has intrigued me so much. Then last night I had a dream that I was standing next to a tiger that the people around me were trying to cage up. Then put into a zoo. That was on private property. I know that before that happened I was upset and I met this man who sat and comferted me. I don’t know who he was. But I know I felt him to be a good friend. I have a feeling those two dreams have strong meanings behind them and I’ll find out soon what that is. 
 
Well this was what else I wanted to add to my post last night. Before I found out that Nick didn’t want more then a friendship. Anyways, I hope everyone is doing good and living happy right now. I know it’s going to take some time for me to find that special someone. And I have patiance and hope that it will happen. I’m hoping it’ll happen this year. But lets not push it lol. Okay till next time. Laterz!

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Well, I’ve been busy these past couple weeks sense I posted last. Where should I start? I guess I’ll start with what I’ve been up to sense I posted last.

First of all, my valintines day went well. I actually had a date that day. It was a first for me. I really enjoyed it. I’ve been going out on dates with the same guy sense. But we haven’t decided if we’re gonna get into a serious relationship or not. I know what I want between us but he wants more time to think about it. Which I don’t mind. I rather want to figure out his feelings then getting hurt. I know it’d be too much for me to say that I hope things work out between us. But I’m not gonna try and pressure him into anything. I want it to be something he wants. Though, I have to say, he does take me breath away. I see him and my heart skips a beat. I dunno, sometimes I feel he’s too good to be true. He’s so sweet and kind and very respectable. But we’ll see what happens. As I said I don’t want to pressure him into anything. So for now I’ll just wait.

Well, while writing this he just told me he doesn’t want to be more then friends. So no more waiting. Yes, I hurt right now. But I’ll live. Back to square one on finding a good man to be with. I guess he was just too good to be true.

Second, my uncle came into town and hung out for a day. He came over to an orintation for a fishing job. I really hope he gets the job. That would be so good for him. He’d be sent up to alaska for it and he’d make pretty good money. And that’s also good. My mom hasn’t seen her little brother for 9 years. So she was really happy to see him. I’m gonna try to save up some money so they can come back over this summer. I just don’t know how much that it’ll take to get them over here. But we’ll figure it out. I really want them to come over and stay for a few days instead of one.

Third, I went and saw a couple movies this month. First went and saw The Rite and then I saw True Grit. Rented Red. So I’ll give ya my thoughts on them now. lol. We’ll start with The Rite.That was a good movie. Anthony Hopkins is a very good actor. He played a possessed person very well. There was also some really good makeup done in the movie during the possesions. The interesting thing about that movie was. That it was based off of actual events that happened. So I found that pretty intriging. Now for True Grit. It was a good movie. Though, I want to watch the older version so as to compare the two. So I think till I watch that one I wont have a full opinion about it. Now Red was a good movie. I liked that one. It makes you think "Never mess with old people.Cause they might kick your ass!" lol I liked it. It was good. I want my mom and dad to watch it too.

Fourth, I got through about a 1/4 of the book fallen blade. But got into reading The Night Angel series again. What can I say I really enjoy that series.

Anyways, I’m a bit emotional from my convorsation with Nick. I’m just happy he didn’t see me cry. It sux cuz every time I hope for something to happen it turns to emtyness and shit. This really sux. Till next post. Laterz….

Still Slacking lol….

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I’m still slacking on updating this thing. I’m trying. Just gotta stop getting distracted. Lol.

Well, I got a total of 12 video’s on my youtube channel so far. Though, still need a lamp for light. I am thinking about redoing the ones with makeup. Possibly recording those in the bathroom sense theres more light in there. But we’ll see.

I still have my pile of books on my desk. Been trying to read The Fallen Blade by: Jon Courtenay Grimwood. I also found some others in my room I haven’t read yet. So they’ve been added to the pile too. I’m not gonna read the book Dragon’s Deal till I got the first two. My friend read Black Wings and she loved it. We’re both waiting for the next one to come out in August.

On to other stuff. I’m trying to save up a bit of money for my next tattoo. Or atleast get enough money for my next piercing. Which will be the other side of my lip. I need to balance out my face. Sense I have my nose ring and lip ring on the same side. Not sure if I’m gonna end up doing my tounge or not but I’ll think about it. I prolly will end up doing it lol.

Been trying to lvl up Ellenor finally. But only trying to do it through archeology lol. Same with loonybin. Arn’t I lazy. I’ll get there eventually. Not sure when, but it’ll happen sooner or later lol.

Yeah, I haven’t been up to much other then that. Spending time with my friend cindy and my family. Trying to look for a bf but we’ll see where that goes. Other then that I’m just gonna try to dwindle this pile of books down. But I’ll prolly end up adding to it instead lol.

Well thats all I have for right now. Till next time. Laterz!